What is your best joke?

Question

nothing nasty please

Answer 1

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Maria!

TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO : Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher

As a man was leaving Minnesota for Colorado, he decides to make a stop at a rest area on the side of the road. He goes in the washroom and sees that the first stall is taken so he goes into the second stall. Just as he sits down he hears a voice from the next stall...

"Hi there, how is it going?"

While not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road the man didn't know what to say. He pauses a minute and finally says:

"Not bad..."

Then the voice says:

"So, what are you doing?"

He starts to find this a bit weird, but responds anyway:

"Well, I'm going back to Colorado..."

Then the man hears the person in the first stall say all flustered:

"Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."



A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, butt-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."



Several men are in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I'm at the mall, two blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500."
"Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2007 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000!"
"Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! Before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and... well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000, OK?"
"Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and asks aloud, "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"



A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answers the woman.
"We dont have a maid," says the man.
The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."
The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."
A long pause and the man says, "Is this 567-5309?"




that's all!
hope its enough!

Answer 2

Dave owned a flower shop. One day some friars opened another flower shop directly across the street from Dave. He went over to ask them to move their shop. When the refused, his mom crossed the street to ask them to leave. Once again, they refused. Finally, at his wits end, Dave asked his friend Hugh to threaten the friars. It worked and by the end of the day the friars were gone. This just goes to show that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Answer 3

It was autumn, and the Red Indians on the remote reservation asked
their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Red Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never
been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't
tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that
the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the
village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and
asked "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the
meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even
more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it
going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's
definitely going to be a very cold
winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are
you absolutely sure that the
winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest
winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Red Indians are collecting wood like
crazy."

Answer 4

Well this is gonna be hard to beat Pink Cloud but OK




One day a mole stuck his head out of his burrow and exclaimed " Yum somebody's cooking breakfast!" Upon hearing this his roommate squeezes next to him and says "By George your right!" Then the third mole tries to squeeze through then exclaims "Well all I can smell is Molasses!!!!!!!!!!"

Answer 5

This little Indian boy went to his Father one day and asked, "Father, how did you choose the names of my Older Brother and Sister?"

The father replied saying "Well son, the day that your older brother was born, I went outside the tee-pee and looked into the heavens to give thanks, and the first thing I saw was an eagle soaring high in the heavens, so I decided to call your brother SOARING EAGLE."

The small boy smiled. Then the father continued, "When your sister was born, I went outside ready to give thanks, and the first thing I saw was a fawn in the meadow, running, so I called your sister RUNNING FAWN."

The boy smiled again and the father asked, "Why do you ask Pooping Dog?

Answer 6

Good one pinkcloud

Answer 7

Yea...all the ones above are good. I dont any any:)