funny jokes!?

Question

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

haha....ok now u tell me a joke...the best one will get 10 points..

why the ***** am i a retard?!?! ****** ******.....and yea so what if its old!! its funny soo shut the ***** up...

Answer 1

1....
TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Maria!

2......
TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO : Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

3.....
TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher

4......
As a man was leaving Minnesota for Colorado, he decides to make a stop at a rest area on the side of the road. He goes in the washroom and sees that the first stall is taken so he goes into the second stall. Just as he sits down he hears a voice from the next stall...

"Hi there, how is it going?"

While not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road the man didn't know what to say. He pauses a minute and finally says:

"Not bad..."

Then the voice says:

"So, what are you doing?"

He starts to find this a bit weird, but responds anyway:

"Well, I'm going back to Colorado..."

Then the man hears the person in the first stall say all flustered:

"Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."


4.......
A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, butt-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."


5......
Several men are in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I'm at the mall, two blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500."
"Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2007 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000!"
"Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! Before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and... well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000, OK?"
"Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and asks aloud, "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


6......
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answers the woman.
"We dont have a maid," says the man.
The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."
The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."
A long pause and the man says, "Is this 567-5309?"




that's all!
hope its enough!

Answer 2

OK...TWO GUYS OUT IN THE WOODS WHEN THEY HAPPEN ACROSS A GRIZZLY BEAR...

ONE SITS DOWN AND STARTS TO PUT ON HIS RUNNING SHOES...

THE SECOND GUY SAYS "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING...YOU CAN'T OUTRUN A GRIZZLY"?

THE FIRST GUY SAYS "I DON'T HAVE TO...I JUST NEED TO OUTRUN YOU"

HOPE YOU LIKE IT

Answer 3

okay, one day me and my friend got a phone call from the news paper company, and they were asking us what we do on our free time. so we acted like dudes and said....
" i watch porn and eat cheetohs all day, and i still dont know why my penis is orange."

Answer 4

ok...........................How Old?
An older woman gets a face lift and shes proud of the way she looks so she goes out in the town and askes a man "how old do you think I am". The man replies "Ummm, I dont know 28?" the woman answers "Nope I'm 48 but nice try!"

She then purchases brunch at a local McDononalds. She askes the waiter "How old do you think I am" he says "31?" she says "nope 48 but nice try" Then she walks up to an old man and asks him "How old do you thik I am?" he says "I can tell how old women are by sticking my hand down their pants" She reluctantly allows him do to so... and he does and he says "Ok your 48!" she gasps "How did you know" he says "Well to tell you the truth I was standing behind you at McDonalds"


here is anthoer one!
Tell Yo Mama:

Tell Yo Mama
Tell Yo mama to stop wearing different color lipstick, because I have a rainbow dick.
Tell Yo mama that I'm mad at her... and her jagged-*** teeth. A circumcision is a one time procedure and I've already had mine.
Tell Yo mama to stop wearing green lipstick, my balls are starting to look like ninja turtles.
Tell Yo mama to stop wearing blue lipstick, my balls look like Smurfs.
Tell Yo mama to send me some makeup remover, I can't get her lipstick off my dick.
After I'm done whoopin' your a*s, tell Yo mama she's next!
Tell Yo mama that the tip's under the pillow.
Tell Yo mama that I want a refund.
Tell Yo mama to stop calling me.
Tell Yo mama that I need my underwear back.
Tell Yo mama that I want my dime back.
Tell Yo mama that my dog wants to know how much he owes her for last night.
Tell Yo mama to wear a bra, she looks like she's got 4 arms.
Tell Yo mama I love her in those panties Yo daddy gave her.
Tell Yo mama I'll be home late for dinner.
Tell Yo mama I love the way she blows me.
Tell Yo mama I want her to get her sh**t out of my house now!

Now taht was funny!!!!!!! LOL

Answer 5

i have heard b-fore but is still funny

Answer 6

lolhaha

Answer 7

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Answer 8

ok

Answer 9

retard...

Answer 10

LOL, love it!