Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst.
An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by, they fired, and a duck fell.

The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird,
never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to
retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"Yes, I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

2006-09-08 13:24:29 · 12 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

2006-09-08 13:22:54 · 12 answers · asked by get_unlost 4

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, Ireland, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked,sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black willies (British slang for p-e-n-i-s), but the one in the middle had a pink willy.

The curator of the gallery, realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over a half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white,
patriarchal society.

"In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willy, also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?", asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted the picture, "he replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners.

The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

2006-09-08 13:21:01 · 14 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

Willys cynical thought for the fugging day,

I never explain sh*t; my friends will not need the explanation and my enemies will not believe it. I have enough of both don't need any more... So why waste time?

9 TYPES OF BOYFRIENDS

1. Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, okay?"
Also Known As: Mr. Nice Guy, Family Man, Honey, Darling, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

2. Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also Known As: Grumbles, Sour-Puss, Stick-in-the-Mud, Old Fogey, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Pain in the ***

3. Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also Known As: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

4. Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also Known As: Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, The Hulk
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

5. Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also Known As: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Hobo, Bum, Sleepyhead
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams

6. The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also Known As: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, SOB
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

7. Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels."
Also Known As: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

8. The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
Also Known As: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Story Teller, Fool"
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

9. Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht."
Also Known As: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-09-08 13:07:18 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

super funny!

http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/driving.htm

2006-09-08 12:30:02 · 8 answers · asked by .oh snap.london bridge.oh snap. 3

2006-09-08 12:15:20 · 18 answers · asked by MissChatea 4

2006-09-08 12:13:28 · 23 answers · asked by MissChatea 4

2006-09-08 12:09:26 · 12 answers · asked by MissChatea 4

2006-09-08 12:07:16 · 18 answers · asked by MissChatea 4

one day three guys are walking down an alley and one of them kicks a box and finds a lamp. they all are arguing over who will rub the lamp when the genie comes out and say, "wow, I usually give one guy three wishes but since there are three of you I will give you one each.
the first guy says, 'oh I want to be in a gorgeous beach with beautiful women, great food and I want to stay there forever. bam! he is gone
the second guy says, oh, I want to be the richest guy in the world and I want to travel anywhere I want and for this to be forever. bam! he is gone.
the third guy says, 'I am there boss and I want them back by lunch time

2006-09-08 12:05:40 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-08 12:05:23 · 12 answers · asked by MissChatea 4

aint bounced off glass lately.

2006-09-08 11:26:28 · 8 answers · asked by enord 5

and turned off all the lights and now I'm just standing here where am I.

2006-09-08 11:10:11 · 17 answers · asked by kauaiboi 2

it would be my

2006-09-08 11:06:09 · 16 answers · asked by VINCE r 1

2006-09-08 11:05:02 · 15 answers · asked by telavivlover 2

waiting for him who are the men and what are there names?

2006-09-08 10:58:01 · 3 answers · asked by cheges12 2

2006-09-08 10:57:14 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

let say we have 12 balls: 6 white and 6 black. I am gonna put x amount of balls in one bag and the rest in the other bag. You have a chance of picking one bag and taking one ball of this bag. If hte ball is white you win 2$ if not I win one. Would you take that bet...

2006-09-08 10:46:44 · 4 answers · asked by atanasgagov 2

Hey, anybody have a good joke. It doesn't have to be anything dirty just a good joke to tell amongst college people/adults. The best joke will get 10pts...so if you have one that's good post it up! I need a laugh! (Please, only good/real jokes) Thanks.

2006-09-08 10:33:01 · 13 answers · asked by butterball 3

first correct answer gets it.

2006-09-08 10:20:20 · 10 answers · asked by katz 4

2006-09-08 10:18:18 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-08 10:15:49 · 3 answers · asked by Bashek 2

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in.

The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"

The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.

"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"

"OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof.

Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."

2006-09-08 10:15:05 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,"Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.

"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...

Now give me back my dog.

2006-09-08 10:11:46 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

a new york man left the snowy streets of the big apple for a vacation in florida. his wife was on a business trip and was going to meet him there the next day. when he reached his hotel he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

unable to find the scrap of paper he had written he e-mail adress on he tried to type it from memory. unfortunatly he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preachers wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. when the greiving widow checked her e-mail she took one look at the moniter let out a piercing scream and dropped to the floor dead.

at the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE,
JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING IS PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMARROW.
YOUR LOVING HUSBAND.
P.S. IT SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE!!!!!!





how funny is that??????

2006-09-08 10:08:30 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was talking about a SUBMARINE SANDWICH!!

2006-09-08 10:00:12 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy phones up his Boss, but picks up the bosses' wife instead:
"I'm sorry he died last week." she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss.
By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:
"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK!
WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
"Coz . . " he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it. . "

LMAO

Any Jokes?

Have a great day!!!

2006-09-08 09:56:10 · 18 answers · asked by TRANSLOPEDIA 4

what is it that the maker doesn't want, the buyer doesn't use and the user doesn't see?

2006-09-08 09:54:16 · 9 answers · asked by nakita 6

is baby oil made from babys?

2006-09-08 09:52:46 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-08 09:17:50 · 12 answers · asked by MissChatea 4