Good Joke?

Question

Hey, anybody have a good joke. It doesn't have to be anything dirty just a good joke to tell amongst college people/adults. The best joke will get 10pts...so if you have one that's good post it up! I need a laugh! (Please, only good/real jokes) Thanks.

Please don't just copy and paste random jokes -only respond if you know of one or some that are really funny. Anyone can do that.

Answer 1

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-a big eel ;had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

Answer 2

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If
the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around
me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

Answer 3

One day there are some kids in a psychology class. The
teacher stands up and says to the class," stand up if you
think you're stupid!" After about 5 minutes Little Johnny
stood up and the teacher says, " do you think you're stupid
Johnny?" To which Little Johnny replies, "No miss I just hate to
see you standing there all by yourself!!"

Answer 4

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better


You like the joke, E-mail me for some more!!!

Answer 5

I like the one that Don't Ask Me told. But! Mine's Better!!!

One day johnny came home and told his dad, don't be mad at me, but I had sex with the teacher. The dad said, "boy, I aint mad atcha, I'm proud of ya." The father said, "I'm so proud, I'll buy you anything, anything you want." The boy thought about this and decided, he was still about ten years old, He still had use for a bike. The father said no prob and took him into town. The father picked him out an expensive bike and he said, "Son, you have earned the right to tide this bike home." Then Johnny said, "I'd love to dad, but my A@# is still sore." LOL, pretty funny, but pretty gross too.

Answer 6

An Italian man and his three sons are sitting at the dinner table waiting for Mama to serve dinner. The father turns to eldest son and says, "Lorenzo, you a big a guy. How come a you so big ana fat? Lorenzo replies, "Its a Mama's a pasta, it taste a so good I always eat a too much." Papa says, "Lorenzo, maybe you take a too big a bite." He then turns to his middle son and says, "Luigi, how come you so big ana fat like a you brother?" Luigi replies, "I like a Mama's a pasta too. It taste a so good, I always eat a too much." Papa says to Luigi, "Luigi, maybe you take a too big a bite like a you brother, eh?" Then he turns to his youngest son, Joseppi, and says, "Joseppi, you a little a skinny guy. How come you not so big ana fat like a you brothers, you don't like a you Mama's a pasta?" Joseppi replies, "I like to eat p*ssy better." Papa says, "P*ssy...p*ssy taste a like $hit!" Joseppi says, "Well Papa, maybe you take a too big a bite!"

Answer 7

there were a boy and a girl in sunday school and they sat by eachother. the boy always poke the girl with his pen and one day she got tired of it so the teachey asked a question and it was who is on the cross. the boy poked the girl and she yelled jesus christ!the teacher said correct. then the teacher asked another question and it was what did eve say after she had her 26th baby? the boy poked the girl and she yelled you stick tha tthink in me one more time and i will break it in half! the teacher fainted and the girl got detention

Answer 8

PPL!!! you are telling so long jokes. Read this one and u can even try it on ur teacher.

JOKE

Boy: Will you punish me for something i didn't do?

Teacher: Of corse not!

Boy: Good cause I didn't do my homework!

Answer 9

Teacher : Alfred, how can one person make so many mistakes in one day??

Alfred: I get up early.

Answer 10

Q: Why did God create man?
A: Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.