Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realise they'll have to inform his wife. Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her ?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replies Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack ?

"She gave it to me."

"WHAT ??" exclaims Jeff, "You just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack ??"

"Sure," Bob says.

"WHY ?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "When she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow ? 'Widow ?', she said, 'No, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow !' So I said, "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE

2006-09-09 20:06:34 · 27 answers · asked by .oh snap.london bridge.oh snap. 3

2006-09-09 19:37:20 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

i need to know if this has happened tonite to anyone else . i gor mad threw a ladder and it bounched off the floor and came back and hit me in the face . or am i the only one in the world that this has happed to

2006-09-09 19:37:08 · 28 answers · asked by k dog 4

2006-09-09 19:18:28 · 9 answers · asked by ♫♪♫TAY-LUR♫♪♫ 3

What is more powerful than God, more evil than the Devil, rich men need it, poor people have it, and if you eat it you will die?

2006-09-09 19:09:45 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

tali and Foley were having dinner at a restaurant one night when tali noticed a spoon in their waiters apron. tali didn’t think too much of this until another waiter came over with glasses of water. he, too, sported a spoon in his apron. tali told Foley of her observation, and as they both looked around the room, they could see that all waiters had spoons in their aprons. when the first waiter returned to take their order, tali asked, 'what’s with the spoons, waiter?' 'well,’ explained the waiter, this place is under new management, and our new boss has all these fantastic ideas about how to improve efficiency. apparently he read some study about how patrons drop spoons on the floor 80 percent more often than any other utensil. so now we all carry a spoon with us to cut down our trips to the kitchen and save time.' just as he concluded, a 'ch-ching' came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced the fallen spoon with one from his pocket. 'I’ll grab another spoon the next time I’m in the kitchen instead of making a special trip,’ he proudly explained. Tali and Foley were both impressed, and sat back to wait for their meal. When the waiter came over again to bring them their steaks, Foley noticed a black plastic cord protruding from the waiters fly. A quick look around the room revealed that a similar piece of cord dangled out of each waiters fly
‘excuse me,’ said Foley to their waiter, a little embarrassed. ‘what’s the deal with the cord hanging out of your fly?’
‘oh, that,’ smiled the waiter. ‘that’s another good idea the new boss came up with to save time in the bathroom.’
‘how’s that?’
‘you see, we use the cord to pull out our p-e-n-I-s-e-s at the urinal and thereby eliminate the need to was our hands, cutting time spent in the bathroom by over 95 percent!’
‘oh, that makes sense,’ said Foley, thinking through the process. ‘hey, wait a minute. If the cord helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?’
‘well,’ the waiter whispered, ‘I don’t know about the other guys, but I use my spoon

2006-09-09 19:05:45 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

a ventriloquist walked into a Kansas town and saw a farmer with his dog.

ventriloquist='hey, cool dog. mind if I speak to him?'

farmer='dogs don’t talk!'

ventriloquist='is this your owner?'(pointing at the farmer)

dog='yep'

ventriloquist='does he treat you well?'
dog='yeah, great. he walks me every day, feeds me great food, couldn’t be better.'

farmer=(look of disbelief)

ventriloquist='mind if I talk to your horse?'

farmer='horses don’t talk!'

ventriloquist='hey horse, how’s it going?'

horse='not bad, not bad.'

farmer=(look of disbelief)

ventriloquist='is this your owner?'(pointing at farmer)

horse='yep'

ventriloquist='how’s he treat you?'

horse='really well. lots of fresh hay and oats, he rides me every day, and the water is always clean.'

farmer=(look of disbelief)

ventriloquist='mind if I talk to your SHEEP?'

farmer=(stuttering, and hardly able to talk).... 'th-th-them sheep are nothing but liars!'

2006-09-09 18:33:02 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

a tourist dining in a five star restaurant noticed that the waiter had his thumb in every dish he served. when the chicken soup came out, the waiters thumb was resting in it, when the lamb casserole was brought to the table, the waiters thumb was in it, and when the hot apple pie for dessert was brought out, again, the waiters thumb was in it
‘what’s going on here?' demanded the tourist. you’ve had your thumb in every dish I’ve been brought. its disgusting.' the waiter said, ‘I have arthritis in my thumb and must keep it warm.
the tourist was furious. I don’t care, you filthy bastard, putting your thumb in my food. why don’t you stick it up your a-s-s!'
'I do,' replied the waiter. 'in the kitchen.'

2006-09-09 18:07:24 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A travling entertainer enters a bar. He is a ventrilaquist so he takes out his dummy. He decides to start out w/ some blond jokes. All of a sudden, a blond lady stands up. Shes pissed off bad, and screams "Listen here you little f*cker!". The lady goes on a tirade about how ignorrant people who tell jokes like that are keeping blond women like her down in society. Taken aback, the man starts to apologise, but the blond interuppts him. She says "Im not talking to you! I'm talking to the little wooden bas*ard on your knee!"

haha lol! whatcha think? rate it out of 10. and give me a thumbs up or thumbs down! thx!

2006-09-09 18:00:45 · 21 answers · asked by .oh snap.london bridge.oh snap. 3

a guy walks into a club and sits down. he starts dialing numbers on his hand, as if using a telephone, then holds an animated discussion with his fingers. the club owner notices and walks up to him. 'listen, buddy. this is a rough club. I don’t want any fights breaking out here, so you better stop that funny business of yours.'
the guy says, 'look, pal. I’m not trying to start anything. I’m just a high Tec guy I’ve had a phone inserted into my hand so I can always be contacted. whenever my wife or agent want to call me, they can, without the batteries dying. by the way, where’s the bathroom?' the club owner points the way and the guy walks off. after 20 minutes go by and the guy hasn’t emerged from the bathroom, the club owner starts to get a little worried. after all, the club attracted some rather nasty people sometimes. fearing the worst, he goes into the bathroom. he finds the guy leaning towards the wall, spread eagled. his pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper sticking out of his butt.
‘oh s-h-I-t!’ said the club owner. ‘did the rob you? Are you hurt?’
the guy turns and says, ’oh, I’m fine. I’m just waiting for a fax.’

2006-09-09 17:45:27 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Learn from the mistakes of others, You can't live long enough to make
them all yourself"


New CEO

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired
a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all
slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them
know that he meant business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall
and asked, "Howmuch money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and
replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed,
"Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling
pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,

"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from
Domino's."

2006-09-09 17:37:34 · 13 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

Sorry, guy's but I found this funny! What do you think?
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
>harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
>were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
>oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
>
>My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
>Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for
>Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part- time job, both for extra
>income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she
>started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get
>home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.
>
>Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest
>for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
>Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner
>on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so
>eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I
>hit that door.
>
>She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not
>unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do
>what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that
>they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does
>seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
>
>Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say
>that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
>her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile
>and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even
>three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that
>missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know
>what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
>
>When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She
>had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.
>
>I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a
>nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
>while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make
>one for me too.
>
>I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie. I'm
>not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find
>it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do
>how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you
>just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because
>of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
>
>After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....
>
>Signed,
>
>Bob
>
>EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that
>he was found with a Callaway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf
>club rammed up his ***, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Debbie
>was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her
>Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it...

2006-09-09 17:33:19 · 14 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

two unemployed men are bumming around town when man #1 says, ‘I’d really like a night on the booze, but I don’t think $2 is gonna stretch that far.'
man #2 replies, 'alright, I’ve got a plan. we start with buying a hotdog.'
man #1 asks quizzically, ‘and how is that going to help?'
man#2 replies, 'well, we get the hotdog and throw away the roll. then I’ll take the sausage and put it down my pants and we go to a bar. we order some drinks, and when the bartender asks for his money. I’ll pull down my zipper. you drop to your knees and act like you’re having a good time down there, and the barkeeper will throw us out, and we wont have to pay.'
man #1 agrees. so they go into a bar, order some drinks, and gulp them down
when the bartender says, 'that’ll be $8.50, 'man #2 drops his pants and pulls out the sausage. man #1 drops to his knees. the bartender immediately throws them out of his bar
the two then visit several more bars, pulling off the same trick. after the seventh bar man #1 finally says, 'buddy, we’ve gotta stop this. My knees are killing me!’
man #2 replies, ‘you think that’s bad, I lost the sausage after the third bar

2006-09-09 17:22:22 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-09 17:09:37 · 7 answers · asked by ashers 2

a male and female whale were out for a romantic swim one sunny day when the saw a whaling ship. the male whale said to the female: 'lets go and blow out our air holes at the same time so the ship will sink.' so they went over and did it. sure enough, the ship capsized and sank. but the sailors found their way out and were swimming to shore
furious, the male whale said to the female, lets chase them and eat them before they get to shore!' but this time his companion was not so keen. 'look,’ she said. 'I went along with the b-l-o-w-j-o-, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.'

2006-09-09 17:03:14 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-09 16:40:41 · 11 answers · asked by ockid95 2

2006-09-09 16:39:09 · 29 answers · asked by Beth S 1

babysitting is so boring!!

2006-09-09 16:36:56 · 18 answers · asked by Katie K 2

one night a bartender notices this hideous guy at the far end of the bar with several hot women around him. the bartender says to him, ‘please don’t get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn’t help but notice you have several beautiful women hanging all over you
forgive my honesty, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I’ve ever seen. in fact, you’re quite ugly. now, normally, I would think these ladies are attracted to you because of your money, but I can tell by the way you’re dressed and the fact that they are buying YOU drinks, its not the money. tell me, sir, what is it about you that attracts all these babes?'
the man paused a moment, licked his eyebrows, and said, ‘I haven’t the faintest idea.'

2006-09-09 16:24:32 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A rich man was near death, and was saddened because he had worked so hard for his money, and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So, he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth along. An angel heard his plea and appeared to him.

"Sorry," the angel said, "but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implored the angel to speak to God to see if He might make an allowance. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man got his largest suitcase, filled it with pure gold bars, and placed it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man died and showed up at the gates of heaven to greet St. Peter.

St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission, and told him to verify his story with God.

St. Peter checked and came back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through." He opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind, and exclaimed, "You brought PAVEMENT???"

2006-09-09 16:19:00 · 25 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Read my the entry entitled "The Chronicles of Subway". Tell me what you think. http://blog.myspace.com/RightonDan

2006-09-09 16:13:29 · 10 answers · asked by Daniel G 2

2006-09-09 16:07:59 · 24 answers · asked by Sarah 3

three couples visited the local minister to see how to become members of his church. the minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went
the first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged, and the third couple was newlywed
two weeks went by and the couples returned to the minister. the retired couple said that it was no problem at all. the middle aged couple said that it was tough for the first week, but it was no problem after that. the newly weds said that it was fine until she dropped the can of paint
'can of PAINT?' exclaimed the minister. 'yeah,' said the newlywed man. 'she dropped the can and bent over to pick it up. I’m sorry to say that I had to have her right there and then. lust took over. we were out of control.'
the minister just shook his head, and said that they were no longer welcome in the church
'oh, that’s okay,’ sighed the man. 'we're no longer welcome in the hardware store either

2006-09-09 16:07:05 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-09 16:06:09 · 11 answers · asked by KatzPlace 6

>Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
>
> >A. Ask your mother.
>
> >Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
>
> >A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
>
> >Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
>
> >A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
>
> >Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
>
> >A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
>
> >Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
>
> >A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
>
> >driving.
>
> >Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
>
> >A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

> >Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's butt?
>
> >A. A mechanic!

> >Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
>
> >A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen
>
> >donuts.
>
> >Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
>
> >A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
>
> >Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
>
> >A. The one with the dirty knees.
>
> >Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
>
> >A. A battery has a positive side.

> >Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex A. "Honey, I'm home!"
>
> >Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
>
> >A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy

> >Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in
>
> >his sleep.
>
> >A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
>
> >Q. How can you tell a macho women?
>
> >A. She rolls her own tampons.
>
> >Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?
>
> >A: Hair balls.

>
> >Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
>
> >A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.

2006-09-09 16:03:02 · 14 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

> Quickie #1
> One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
>very sexy nightie.
> "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
> So he tied her up and went fishing.

> Quickie #2
>
> A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran
>into the house.
> She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
>pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
> The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
>mountain stuff?"
> "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
>
> Quickie #3
>
> Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
>the other is a husband.
>
> Quickie #4
>
> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
> First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
> The optician showed him a card with the letters:
> 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
> "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
> "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>
> Quickie #5
>
> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I
>must tell you all
> something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
> "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
>chardonnay."
>
> Quickie #6
>
> A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
> "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
>need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're
>going to STICK!
> Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
>you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST
>your mind?
> Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
>Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
> The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
>think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
> The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
>when I'm driving."
>
> Quickie #7
>
> Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North
> Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
> On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
> That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
> On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
> That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
> On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
> The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years

2006-09-09 16:00:04 · 17 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

2006-09-09 15:57:39 · 15 answers · asked by claymaker951 2

True story:
After a long and tiring day of futile potty training, the exasperated mother sent her little boy to his room, then washed and dried his clothes. After she finished she heard a commotion outside the kitchen window. By this time she was quite irritable and yelled out the window "You aren't out there peeing your pants, are you?" A deep masculine voice answered meekly, "No ma'am. . . I'm just reading your meter."

2006-09-09 15:56:22 · 13 answers · asked by ♥Jewel♥ 2

I know you may have heard different versions of this, but this is the one I wrote in 1972!
A commercial airplane left from England to the United States, halfway across the pond the plane lost two engines. The pilot made this announcement: Ladies and gentlemen we have lost two engines and the only way we can make it to America is to get rid of as much excess weight as we can so I’m taking the plane down to a safe altitude so we can open the doors and get rid of all unnecessary baggage, Well, all the passengers threw all their baggage out the door.

The Pilot then said: Thank you but I still don’t think it is enough, so I’m going to have to ask for volunteers to jump off the plane.

A British man jumped out of his seat and headed for the door, as he jumped he yelled: “God save the Queen.”

A Frenchman jumped out of his seat and headed for the door and as he jumped he yelled: “Viva La France”

A big man from Texas, not to be outdone by a Brit and a Frenchman headed down the aisle towards the door, as he reached the door he reached down and grabbed two Mexicans and as he threw them out the door he yelled: “Remember the Alamo”

Come on that’s funny, and just a joke!

2006-09-09 15:49:54 · 10 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

2006-09-09 15:40:48 · 15 answers · asked by God's Honest Truth 3