any good jokes 4 me?

Question

make it REALLY FUNNY! oh SO FUNNY!
best joke gets 10 POINTS!

Answer 1

LITTLE JOHNNY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little Johnny.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU."

"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married ?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."


LITTLE JOHNNY ON MATH

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father ?

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies Johnny.

"But that's right !" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"

"What's the ******* difference ?" asks the father.

"That's what I said !"



LITTLE JOHNNY ON ENGLISH

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word ?"

Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a *******."



LITTLE JOHNNY ON GRAMMAR


Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss !!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger ****, you'd be a TEN !"



LITTLE JOHNNY ON GRAMMAR


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael !" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Johnny.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just ******* beautiful !'"




LITTLE JOHNNY ON GETTING OLDER

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time ?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own ******* business."'

Answer 2

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Q: Have you any grounds?
A: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

Q: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
A: It made of concrete.

Q: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
A: No, we have carport, and not need one.

Q: I mean. What are your relations like?
A: All my relations still in Poland.

Q: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
A: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player
Q: Does your wife beat you up?
A: No, I always up before her.

Q: Why do you want this divorce?
A: She going to kill me.

Q: What makes you think that?
A: I got proof.

Q: What kind of proof?
A: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put in shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover."

Answer 3

A man won a ticket to the Super Bowl, but when he got there, he was very disappointed. He was on the far left, at the back. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than he was to the field.
But halfway through the first quarter, he spotted an empty 50-yard-line seat that had to be the best seat in the house. He went down to the empty seat and said to the guy sitting beside it, "Is anyone sitting here?"

"Nope" the guy replied.

So the man sat down, and about 30 minute later, he couldn't resist saying, "Man! This is an awesome seat! Whoever gave it up must be CRAZY!"

The guy sitting next to him replied, "Well, actually, that was supposed to be my wife's seat, but she died."

The man, feeling like a total jerk said, "Oh, that's awful, but couldn't you have asked a relative to come with you?"

"No", said the guy. "They're all at the funeral."

Answer 4

One day, the "Smart Blonde Committee" (a bunch of blondes that were trying to prove that blondes aren't dumb) [and they really aren't! This is just a joke...!] held a meeting where they were testing a young blonde woman with a few simple questions...
The president of the committee asked her, "What state is New York City in?"
The blonde woman said, "Umm... Oklahoma...?" The president sighed.
"Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" the rest of the committee chanted.
"All right", said the president. "How much is 6 - 0?"
The blonde stared off into space for a while, then asked, "Is it zero...?"
"Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" the committee chanted.
"Okay, fine by me", the president said. "The next question: What is 2 plus 2?"
After ten long minutes and counting on her fingers constantly, the blonde woman replied quizzically, "Four...?"
The committee shouted, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

Answer 5

a married couple is sitting at the bar...the bartender walks over and says to the man waz up..you have a strange look... he replya.. I cant wait to get home and rip my wifes panties off...there sooo tight ill never wear them again!!!!!!!

Answer 6

what did snoop say when he saw fiddys new jumper?


Yo G, you knit?

Answer 7

your joking,right?