Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister are out fishing in a boat in the middle of a lake. The priest says,"i'm getting thirsty."So the priest gets out of the boat, walks across the water, gets a soda, and comes back. Then the minister says, "You know, I could really go for a soda right now." he, too, gets out of the boat, walks across the water, and comes back w/ a soda. Finally the rabbisays, "my turn."
He gets out of the boat and immediately sinks. The priest then turns to the rabbi and says, "think we should've told him where the rocks were?"

2006-09-11 10:53:25 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

These three questions were asked to profesional to find out what their IQ was... most of them answered badly see if you can do it:
1. How do you put an elefant in a freezer
2. How do you put a giraffe in the same freezer
3. If the lion king make a party. Wich animal wouldnt go?
4. How do you cross a river full of crocodiles?
Good luck

2006-09-11 10:45:35 · 17 answers · asked by Riquitixxx 1

a person from Chicago is a Chicagoan, and a person from India is called an Indian ................ What is a person from Tampa called?

2006-09-11 10:40:45 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

what do you call a parrot with a raincoat on?

polly unsaturated

2006-09-11 10:32:05 · 43 answers · asked by Andrew Osbaldeston 2

2006-09-11 10:25:46 · 9 answers · asked by djbaum94@sbcglobal.net 1

2006-09-11 10:20:03 · 11 answers · asked by kezz 4

a girl goes to a doctor regarding breast enlargments,the doctor can't help,because she won't have sugery,but he recomends a herblist,that lives upstate.The girl decides to give it a go and takes the bus.The herblist gives her some cream,to aply to her bust,and then after an hour she must exercise by raising her elbows in line with her shoulders and thrusting her elbows back,while reciting,I must ,I must ,I must ,increase my bust! she is to do this 3 times a day and come back a week later.A week later on the bus upstate she rembers she put the cream on and its now time for the exercise,she looks around and theres only 2 other people, slightly embaresed she stands and preforms the routine verry quickly.When she sits back down a small guy comes and stands at her seat and asks if shes going to see the herblist,she is suprised and says no,but he insists that she is,and she gives in and says yes,but inquries how he knew this,
he smiles,rotates his hips and says Hickery Dickery Dock.......

2006-09-11 09:53:06 · 11 answers · asked by yellowdog 2

My wife loves it when I ask people that. ;)

2006-09-11 09:37:48 · 21 answers · asked by nospamcwt 5

A raccoon or a coon with a nice rack?

2006-09-11 09:34:01 · 16 answers · asked by ? 2

married Billy Beaver (game show host) her name would be?...

2006-09-11 09:33:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

married Billy Beaver (game show host) she would be?

2006-09-11 09:30:54 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you don't know what Dink Dinks are, then WATCH SAPCEBALLS!

2006-09-11 08:41:49 · 11 answers · asked by Danny 2

i got these hints so far
tv
dog
brown
32
what tis the answer

2006-09-11 08:24:11 · 14 answers · asked by Strife 2

A worm ate words. I thought that wonderfully
Strange-a miracle-when they told me a crawling
Insect had swallowed noble songs,
A night-time theif had stolen writing
So famous, so weighty. But the bug was foolish
Still, though hes belly was full of thought

2006-09-11 08:11:46 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Nominated as the best short joke this year.

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"
Not yet," she replied.

2006-09-11 07:56:13 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman takes her husband to a western. During the final showdown, she pulls out a pistol, shoots him, then casually removes the body from the theater without anyone being the wiser. How?

2006-09-11 07:41:55 · 19 answers · asked by ForeverLove 2

Form a sentence with atleast three 'because's sequentially.

Format : xxxx xxxxx ..... xxxx because because because xxxx .... xxxx xxxx.

2006-09-11 07:41:00 · 24 answers · asked by Naveen 2

A man gets into a cab and tells the driver of his destination. They do not know each other and neither says anything further. The driver turns into a deserted lane where he shoots the passenger DEAD. Why?

2006-09-11 07:18:41 · 11 answers · asked by ForeverLove 2

The following is the post mortem report of a dead body found floating on water.

Sex : Male
Aged about 35 years,
Died before 4 hrs,
No injury found over the body except one on head (it may be caused by the hard surface under water while committing suicide).
4 ounces of water found in lungs
Died due to ...... ..... ..... ?

Find either the person was murdered or committed suicide ?

2006-09-11 07:17:32 · 19 answers · asked by Naveen 2

2006-09-11 07:16:26 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman and man are driving through a rough part of town when they run out of gas. The man tells the woman to stay in the car, keep the doors locked, and the windows shut. He returns with gasoline to find his wife unconscious and a stranger in the car. What happened?

2006-09-11 07:13:15 · 10 answers · asked by ForeverLove 2

1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women
somehow deteriorate during the night.

3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for
a $2 item that she doesn't want.

4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A
man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

5. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before
and after marriage.

6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man
never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love
him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.

8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same thing!

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says
after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men
look at a wedding as the ending of romance.

2006-09-11 07:11:17 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Several children found a dead robin. Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they secured a small box and some cotton batting, dug a hole in the back yard, and made ready to dispose of the deceased. The minister's 5-year-old son was chosen to say the prayer. And so with great dignity, he intoned, "Glory be to the Father...and unto the Son...and into the hole he goes."

2006-09-11 06:49:51 · 12 answers · asked by butterfly 5

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed like heck," he thinks to himself. "But lets see what they think they can do." He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weigh himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds.
Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time.
As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.
I love this company, he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun." Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" Asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most vigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. Haven't felt this good in years!"
The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."

2006-09-11 06:48:13 · 54 answers · asked by butterfly 5

1) If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have left?

2) I have 2 US coins totaling 30 cents. One is NOT a nickel. How is this possible?

3) How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?

4) How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?

5) Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? why?

The first to answer all the questions correctly and fully (just enogh to know that you know the answer) gets the BEST ANSWER award.

2006-09-11 06:46:22 · 16 answers · asked by Cero Kool 2

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

2006-09-11 06:44:57 · 9 answers · asked by butterfly 5

the root tops the trunk on this backward thing, that grows in the winter and dies in the spring. what is it?

2006-09-11 06:34:47 · 9 answers · asked by A G 2

Trying to beat the blues...AGAIN...so if you have any clean jokes your kids told you or are in your inbox that you can cut and paste, I would really appreciate it.

2006-09-11 06:32:14 · 14 answers · asked by Mommymonster 7

two cowboys, were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions,

one said,"i enjoy the rodeo position the best"
"i don't think i've heard of that one" the other cowboy replies."what is it?"

well its whereyou get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. then you reach round and cup each one of her breast in your hands,

then whisper in her ear "boy these feel just like your sister's"
then u try to stay on foe 8 seconds....

;0)

2006-09-11 06:24:24 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-11 06:22:47 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous