Any clean jokes in your inbox today?

Question

Trying to beat the blues...AGAIN...so if you have any clean jokes your kids told you or are in your inbox that you can cut and paste, I would really appreciate it.

Answer 1

1.)--
Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Chuck grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron ...
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2.)--
>>>> Classic!!
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He
>>>> breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young
>>>> couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
>>>> While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed,the convict gets on top of
>>>> her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While
>>>> he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
>>>> "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
>>>>
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
>>>> I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
>>>> complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he
>>>> nauseates you.This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets
>>>> angry,
>>>> he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
>>>> His wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in
>>>> my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we
>>>> had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I
>>>> love you, too!"
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3.)--
> THE PARROT WITH NO LEGS
>
> A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
>
> The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
>
> The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
>
> "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
>
> "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
> intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
>
> "Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
>
> "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap
> my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
>
> "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
>
> "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable
> competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics,
> philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.
>
> You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
>
> The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't
> afford that."
>
> "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
>
> The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.
>
>He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal,
> he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's
insightful. The guy is delighted.
>
> One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,
"Psssssssssssst," and
> motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell
you this or not,
> but it's about your wife and the postman."
>
> "What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

> "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the
door in a sheer black nightie."
>
> "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
>
> "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie
> and
began
> petting her all over," reported the parrot.
>
> "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
>
> "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie , got down on his
> knees
and
> began to kiss her all over....">
>
> Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

> "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
>
> If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.
>
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4.)--
Mafia "Don" is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.

"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated 38 revolver so you always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup an'a lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business... You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a bigga home and maybe a couple o' bambinos.

"Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find your wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then... pointa to you watch and say "Times up"?

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5.)--
A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call [phone]" and decides to make the call. The operator asks, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

"Ten pounds," he replies.

"We’ll have a representative over in the morning," says the operator.

About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.”

The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds!

That night he calls the number again and says, "I want to lose 20 pounds."

"We’ll send someone over."

The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds!

That night he calls and says, "I want to lose 50 pounds!"

"Fifty pounds?" the operator asks. "That’s an awful lot."

The man replies, "Listen, just take care of it!"

About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…”

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6.)--
FIREMAN GO!
>
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>----
>
>A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have
>a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our
>jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and
>we're
>on the fire truck ready to go.
>
>"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2,
>I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love
>all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The
>wife promptly took all her clothes off.
>
>When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL
>3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
>"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
>
>"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

Answer 2

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replies.

The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?"

"Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one
I put that one on here before but i liked it LOL!!!!!!!!!!!♥♥♥

Answer 3

A professor at Mississippi State University was giving a lecture on the
supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe
in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,
do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic.
Now let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says ,
"Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture;
no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.



You've got to come up here

and tell us about your experience.



The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin,
and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room,
the professor asks ,

"So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied,

"Shazammmmm!

From way back thar I thought you said, 'Goats!!'

i think i have more too

Answer 4

well, this is kind of clean i guess. Whats the difference between a woman in church and one in the bath? One has hope in her soul, and the other has soap....
did you hear about the fire in the circus, it was in-tents.

Answer 5

Nope, just bad news about a few Nigerian millionaires dying and a couple of offers to enlarge my penis AND staying power. I guess that kind of counts as a joke because I don't have a penis to enlarge.

Answer 6

Q: How do you know a blonde is having a bad day?

A: She's got a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil

Answer 7

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
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WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
And I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
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UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
Pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
And still be afraid of a spider.
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MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
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CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string o n the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
To get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
And some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... So does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
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WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
Neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
The husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
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WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
So stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
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WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
Should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
And then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
You should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... "HEBREWS"
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The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
And were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
At 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only y to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
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God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.



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Answer 8

The Italian man who went to Malta

One day imma gona to Malta to bigga hotellIn the morning i go down to eat a breakfast I tell the waitress i wanna 2 pisses of toast
She brings me only one piss I tell her i wanna to piss
She says go to the toilet I say you dont understand
I want to piss on my plate She say you better no piss on the plate You son of a ******!
I dont even know the lady And she calls me a son of a ******
Later
I go to eat at a bigga resturant
The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife, but no fork!
I tell her i wanna the fcuk She tellin me everyone wanna fcuk I tell her you dont understand I wanna fcuka on the table She say you better not fcuk on the table You son of a ******!
So i go back to my room in a hotel And there is no sheeats on the bed Call the manager and im tellin him i wanna shiit!
He tellin me go to the toilet I say you dont understand I wanna shiit on my bed!
He say you better not shiit on my bed You son of you ******!
I go to the check out and the man in the desk says Peace on you, i said piss on you too you son of a ******!
I m goin back to Italia,

Answer 9

Here's a game. Click here: http://www.pibmug.com/files/map_test.swf

I lost : )

Answer 10

what's green, slimy, and smells like pork?
kermit's finger.
♣