Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

A man walked up to a farm house and knocks on the door, a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, though, the man knocked, and asked the same question the woman screamed at him and told him to leave.Later that evening, the woman told her husband of the incident. He said he'd stay home the following day just in case the man returned.Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew
how to have sex, she replied, "Sure, I do! Why do you ask?"
"Good," said the man at the door, "give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!"

2006-09-11 21:03:58 · 22 answers · asked by Pd 6

What goes up, but at the same time goes down, up to the sky and down to the ground, my present tense and my past tense too, lets go for a ride just me and you...what am i?

First person to solve gets 10pts

2006-09-11 20:08:34 · 24 answers · asked by Lady Bonah 3

A couple who'd been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?"
He moved over and sat close to her.
"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?" He reached over and held her tight.
"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"
With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth"

2006-09-11 20:05:57 · 19 answers · asked by Pd 6

I want to know where I can find a site with questions like the one about, If Sally and Jack were found dead on the ground and all that was around them was glass and water but No blood and the only person home was the cat how did they die, and the answer is : They are fish!

I want to find more problem solving questions like this one but where?

2006-09-11 20:01:43 · 8 answers · asked by E.F. Landeros 3

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it .The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.

No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.

I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.

2006-09-11 19:59:00 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-11 19:57:56 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-11 19:42:58 · 13 answers · asked by tripleP 1

Last time, we had this following riddle:

Why can't you borrow any money from a clam?
A: Because its sheelfish!

Heheh.. And here is today's riddle:

What would you call a cool rabbit?

Have fun! :)

2006-09-11 19:36:51 · 10 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

A man went to the pub with his wife. When he left for the counter a
prostitute approached his wife & whispered,

"You must DEMAND cash b4 sex I mean in advance, b-coz I know him... He doesn't pay!"

2006-09-11 19:36:13 · 15 answers · asked by Pd 6

say the dumbest thing ever, you win

2006-09-11 19:33:06 · 21 answers · asked by Danny 2

2006-09-11 19:26:56 · 6 answers · asked by battletank06 1

As we all know, sometimes we come face to face with the fact that it may be time to relocate.
The big question is: where to? Here are some tips.

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can Live in New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where..

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and snowbirds

2006-09-11 19:23:40 · 13 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

Lars, a Norwegian from Cook County in northern Minnesota, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Lars's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were prohibited from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.


The priest came to visit Lars, and suggested that Lars convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Lars attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over Lars, he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic."

Lars's neighbors were greatly relieved. But when Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood, the priest was immediately called in and, as he rushed into Lars's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Lars, he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Lars, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye.

2006-09-11 19:16:32 · 13 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

A farmer ordered a milking machine. He tried it in his pe**s and had a wonderful orgasm. But he can't remove it! He read the manual and fainted.... "Auto release after 10 liters"

2006-09-11 19:06:35 · 17 answers · asked by ♥Sapphire 7

A man observed a blonde woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl riding in the child's seat. As they approached the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through. Don't be upset...it won't be long."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to ask for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said softly, "There, there, Monica, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased.

The mother patiently said, "Monica, we'll be through this checkout stand in five minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.

The mother sighed and replied, "Oh, no. I'm Monica. My little girl's name is Tammy."

2006-09-11 19:00:57 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-11 18:56:10 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

2006-09-11 18:38:08 · 16 answers · asked by stephanie f 3

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice: picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.


He made the women aware of his presence and they all swam to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

(Old men can still think fast.)

2006-09-11 18:34:42 · 8 answers · asked by Woody 3

High Nooner

Jeremiah's Johnson

True, He Grits

How The West Was Hung

2006-09-11 18:32:45 · 9 answers · asked by Woody 3

My housemate told me this one:

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I think your the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my ass???" She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

2006-09-11 18:24:13 · 18 answers · asked by Lady Bonah 3

There was a blonde. She was very poor and needed a job. She looked in a newspaper and saw an ad for a tickle-me-elmo company. She rushed over there and applied for the job. The manager gave her a task to do and then went upstairs to watch how she was doing. All of a sudden, he saw that the conveyor belt was backed up. He rushed down there and saw that each elmo doll had two marbles sewn onto their crotches. Then he said "I told you to give each Elmo two TEST-TICKLES, not TESTICLES!" ha ha ha.

2006-09-11 18:15:43 · 8 answers · asked by rk_927 2

2006-09-11 18:12:42 · 17 answers · asked by just_4_frenz 2

On the 16th hole of a golf course, Fred hit his ball into the woods. Harry laughed at Fred, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods too, just a few yards beyond. It took Fred a long time to look for his ball and he was getting angrier every minute. Finally, he found his ball in a patch of yellow buttercups. Instead of simply continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.

Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!"

Then poof! She was gone.

After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered to his friend, "Harry! Harry! Where are you?"

Harry yelled, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."

Fred screamed back, "Don't swing! For God's sake, don't swing!!!"

2006-09-11 18:05:02 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-11 17:42:15 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-11 17:20:20 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok here's the plan..!!!
In my secret Lab I'll prepare an Army of rats and rabbits by mutating them into killer rats and killer rabbits...and then I'll control their activities by implanting a microchip in their brain...
slowly they will burrow the entire earth's crust so everything will collapse into that huge hole and the entire world will be at my mercy!!.....then i'll be able to OVERTAKE the world easily...he he...

And yes all the BAGPIPERS will be executed before I'll implement this plan so that no one will stop me......muahahahahahahahahaha

What do u think????

2006-09-11 17:14:28 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mail plane is halfway between Dallas and Miami, at an altitude of 2000 feet, on a clear, windless day. It dropped a 100 pound sack of airmail letters, and a 100 pound steel rod at the same time. Which one hit the ground first?

2006-09-11 17:13:48 · 12 answers · asked by 42ITUS™ 7

2006-09-11 17:06:15 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-11 17:02:51 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-11 16:36:01 · 7 answers · asked by thru a glass darkly 3