Where To Live After Retirement (this is for old farts only)?

Question

As we all know, sometimes we come face to face with the fact that it may be time to relocate.
The big question is: where to? Here are some tips.

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can Live in New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where..

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and snowbirds

Answer 1

OK I'm not an old fart yet just like your jokes, but I have been all around the country because the ex was in the military.......and my gosh you are so right. I call it Africa hot not ARE YOU KIDDING Me but same diff. And in Louyanna....yeck....it was so humid that when you got out of the shower you had to dry off 5 mins after you dried off. Thanks for the memories. BTB I was born raised and bred in California and love it. Will never leave again, but you hit the nail on the head.

Answer 2

LOL. Choices.
Well, Jackson, Mississippi is North to me. Anything further is Up North. LOL.
I love the Deep South. I only wish I could live in the Bayou!

Answer 3

Hey.. I LIVE in Wisconsin...

Apparently the people in the deep south can't count. There was no number 4...

And, as long as we're (we were) on the subject of the land of cow sh!t and beer farts (Wisconsin), there are only two seasons here... Packers football, and road construction.

Answer 4

Midland, Texas and North Carolina including Charlotte are still cheap, quite, and appreciating.

You sound like you could be the town celebrity in those places.

Answer 5

If you like high taxes and rabid liberals, choose Maine, NYC, and California.

Answer 6

You must be retired, because you have way too much time on your hands.

Answer 7

Go to Alaska.

Answer 8

Live on a boat.

Answer 9

I enjoyed reading this question. Do some more!

Answer 10

u re n o rty