Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

please?

2006-09-12 07:38:41 · 9 answers · asked by No Name 2

What do you get if you finger a gypsy when she's on her period?
Your palm red for free!!

A vibrator and a banana on a bedside table, the banana says "don't know what your shakin for, she's gonna fu*kin eat me"

Man give's blood to save his girlfriends life. Later they split up. He says "gimme the blood back" she throws a used tampon & says "i'll pay ya monthly ya bas...."

Italian guy "when i finish makin a love to my girl a friend i go down and gentle tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6" above da bed in ecstasy"
Frenchman- "zat is nothin, when i finish with ze girl ah kiss her all ze way down her body and zen lick the soles of ze feet, she float 12" above the bed in ecstasy"
Irishman- "dats nothin when i finish riding me bird i get out of bed wipe me knob on the curtains n she hits da roof"
Ok not the best but hey, you do better..
Roal Mail have released a new stamp with a picture of a clitoris on, but have had to withdraw it as only 5% of men knew where to lick

2006-09-12 07:31:24 · 4 answers · asked by Platinum 3

Because if I was you would be stuck with Cheyney!

2006-09-12 07:28:09 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

This was from a comedy sketch ages ago, possibly from the 1970's. Does anyone remember who did it and how it went?

I am not sure if this was in the sketch, but if a heart sergeon gets sacked, does he get de-fibrilated?

Anyone got any others?

2006-09-12 07:26:03 · 9 answers · asked by footynutguy 4

Hi Bennie it's Jamie your best friend and your'e eating outside my porch with me.
Hi Jamie I would love to have a picnic outside with you sitting in your patio table. Is April joining us for lunch?
Jamie: Yes bennie you troll kidz doll don't be in such a hurry to eat my homemade sandwiches.

2006-09-12 07:22:49 · 3 answers · asked by April Ann Codon Cruz 2

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the
boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.

"That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends. For
stomping him you will do without honey for a week."

Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped it.

"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and
for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."

The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his
plain toast with no honey or butter.

Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother
stomped it.

The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her,
Dad, or should I?"

2006-09-12 07:03:23 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Imagine this. There is a hole in our earth starts from top and ends in bottom. From one side Put a stone into it, what will be the stone’s final position and how much time it will take to reach the that position. (don’t consider lava and much temperature).

2006-09-12 06:47:04 · 23 answers · asked by Naveen 2

Gimmie a candy cane so I can bite on it!

2006-09-12 06:44:09 · 10 answers · asked by Poptart Demoniac 1

First correct one will be given 10 marks.

2006-09-12 06:43:14 · 17 answers · asked by Naveen 2

A thought-provoking contribution from CJ:

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you’ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say “**** YOU”
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer **** you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you’ve got.

2006-09-12 06:26:25 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Life Cycle...

I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy;
go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous
and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you
have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in
spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger

quarters every day,and then...

you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

2006-09-12 05:01:01 · 15 answers · asked by Grandma of six 5

horror gripped the heart of a world war-I soldier.as he saw a life long friend fell in the battle field.caught in a trench with continuous gunfire whizzing over his head,the soldier asked the lieutenant if if he could go out in to he no mans land between trenches to bring his fallen comrade back.
"you can go" said the lieutenant but i dont think it will be worth as your friend probably is dead and you may loose your life in the attempt.but the soldier went and miraculously managed to reach his friend mounted him on his shoulder and came back,the lieutenant checked the soldier and said "i have told you it is not worth your friend is dead and you are mortally wounded.the soldier said "no sir it is worth of it".the lieutenant asked "what do you mean by it is worth of it?" the soldier said "my friend is dead but i have got the chance to hear him say "i know you would come for me jim."

2006-09-12 04:54:34 · 4 answers · asked by Sai♥Pranav 3

I am we todd it.
I am sofa king we todd it.


You have to say it outloud, without necesarrily pausing at the end of every word. You may have to say it several times.

Let me know what you hear yourself say. The first one to get it gets 10 points.

2006-09-12 04:47:38 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-12 04:45:03 · 4 answers · asked by joseph m 4

ROFL


For you guys who won't lsiten to a woman because she is too stupid
to know ANYTHING!

>> In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into
the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to
touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one
labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice felling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things likethis.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm
air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.!

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure

The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

MEN NEVER LISTEN
>>

2006-09-12 04:44:33 · 16 answers · asked by wilowdreams 5

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts, have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

2006-09-12 04:42:14 · 23 answers · asked by Grandma of six 5

There was this Spanish guy, this Korean guy and this Russian guy all working for the same construction company.
At the beginning of the day the boss comes out and says to the Spanish guy, "You're in charge of the cement."
Then he said to the Russian guy, "You're in charge of the dirt."
Then he said to the Korean guy, "You're in charge of the supplies."
Then he said, "I'm gonna be back at the end of the day to check on your work. It better be good or you're fired." So they all go off to go get their work done.
At the end of the day, the boss comes back to check on their work. He looks at the big pile of cement and goes, "Good work," to the Spanish guy.
Then he looks at the big pile of dirt and says, "Good work," to the Russian guy.
Then he couldn't find the Korean guy so he asks, "Where the heck is the Korean guy?"
All of a sudden, the Korean guy jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt and yells, " SUPPLIES!"

2006-09-12 04:39:55 · 45 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-12 04:36:24 · 7 answers · asked by Lionel M 5

A Professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife it read:
"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

2006-09-12 04:36:04 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."

Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy ****.

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.

Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.

Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday

Q: Why is being in the military like a *******?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

Q: What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?
A: Hair balls

Q: How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive

Q: What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
A: Come in five flavours

Q: What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
A: Crust

Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork

Q: How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
A: By sticking your finger in his honey

Q: What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
A: Both can smell it... but they can't eat it

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snow blower coming.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence

Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q: What does a dog do that a boy steps into?
A: A lump of ****. no wait.. pants.

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy

Q: What do you call an amish farmer with his arm halfway up his horses ***?
A: A mechanic

Q: Why did the elephant paint his balls red?
A: So he could hide in the cherry tree.

Q: What is the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: A giraffe eating cherries.

Q: Why does santa have such a big sack?
A: Cos he only comes once a year.

Q: How do you define a "tough girl"
A: She kickstarts her own vibrator, or she rolls her own tampons


Q: What do you get if you cross a nun with a computer?
A: A system that won't go down.

2006-09-12 04:35:58 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-12 04:31:15 · 11 answers · asked by ? 2

Be as serious or funny as you want to be. Laughter is the best medicine. How do you deal with it?

2006-09-12 04:20:42 · 9 answers · asked by ? 2

2006-09-12 04:11:51 · 24 answers · asked by Roxy H 1

Yahoo Answers just made me laugh so hard, so i want to hear yrs now.

2006-09-12 04:10:23 · 20 answers · asked by Paul M 2

2006-09-12 04:03:34 · 16 answers · asked by john f 1

This bloke's ram dies just before lambing season. So he phones his neighbour who also is a famer and asks him how much would it cost him to buy a ram from him. He reply's 3000 pounds the bloke say's he can't afford that type of money. His neighbour say's "make love to them yourself".

So the next morning the bloke take's his Landrover and put 6 sheep into it and drives off to a place were he makes love to them and he then returns to the farmhouse.

The following morning he looks out the farmhouse window and the sheep are still standing and not lying on the belly's a pregnant sheep do.

So once again 6 sheep go into the Landrover for a seeing to?

The next morning his wife is getting up and he asks her to look out the window as he's knackered. His wife looks out and reply's there not standing up or on their belly's?

What are they up to said the bloke.

Oh there sheep jumping into the Landrover and one is tooting the horn!

2006-09-12 04:03:17 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-12 03:56:46 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

and the bees on your knees, sees that you are pleased?

2006-09-12 03:55:19 · 7 answers · asked by Nickname 3

A man walks up to his house and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he exclaims.
The old man looks off in the distance without answering.
“Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asks again.
The old man slowly looks at him and says, “Well This is your grandma’s idea., last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a STIFF NECK"
*****************
A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, “How much?”
He doesn’t hear her correctly and says “Come again?”
She giggles and says “No...it’s just mustard this time.”

2006-09-12 03:48:18 · 16 answers · asked by Pd 6

A man is hauling cargo in a tractor trailer, the total weight of said trailer is just over ten tons, fully loaded.

He comes to a bridge with a weight limit of 10 tons. Knowing that it weighs too much to drive across he thinks for a moment of what he can do.

He picks up a stick from the side of the road and beats on the side of the truck and drives across the bridge without incident and without having to remove any of his cargo.

What is the man hauling?

2006-09-12 03:36:47 · 16 answers · asked by jadednihilist 4