Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon and three legs in the evening? The ten points go to the first person that gets it right!

2006-09-12 15:33:46 · 14 answers · asked by ? 5

The Three Bears are in court one day because Mama and Papa Bear aren't getting along and want a divorce. The judge grants the divorce and turns to Baby Bear and says, "Okay, now that Mama and Papa Bear are divorced, you have to live with one or the other. So, would you like to live with Papa Bear?" Baby Bear looks at the judge in fear and says, "No Sir, I don't want to live with Papa Bear!" To which the judge replies, "Well, why not?" Baby Bear says, "Well, your Honor, because Papa Bear beats me too much." The judge says, "Fine. Do you want to live with Mama Bear?" Baby Bear replies, "no Sir, I don't want to live with Mama Bear either." "Why not?" the judge says. "Well, your Honor, Mama Bear beats me more than Papa Bear does!" Exasperated the judge says, "Well son, you have to live with SOMEBODY, so who do you want to live with?" Baby Bear replies, "Sir, I'd like to live with the Chicago Bears 'cuz they don't beat nobody!"

2006-09-12 15:27:10 · 12 answers · asked by ? 5

can anyone tell me a riddle that needs to be thought about to be solved

there is one about trying to figure out how to get 4 gallons of water exactly when u have a 3 gallon barrel and a 5 gallon barrel

anyways i want a riddle that makes u have to think like that .... do u no any...

thx so much in advance

2006-09-12 15:19:41 · 8 answers · asked by matrix15sam 3

A man goes of to war, now before he leaves he tells his girl that he will right her every day and when he comes home they will get married. So he keeps his promise and rights her everyday. NOw 6 months after he left he gets a note saying that his girl had found someone else and they were getting married. WHo did his girl marry?

2006-09-12 15:16:26 · 29 answers · asked by luckystar53 3

From stuff I've heard, some of the funniest insults come right outta middle & hs. Was the case when I was in school too.

So fill me in on some of the latest/ funniest ones you guys've heard....

Oh & just for the record, I grew up in the city, so answers from city dwellers encouraged....

2006-09-12 15:15:21 · 5 answers · asked by Fonzie T 7

So do you think that there will be jokes about Steve Irwins Death? I hope not he was one of the coolest guys on the Discovery Channel I will miss his shows...I wont find any of the jokes funny Will you???

2006-09-12 15:06:21 · 8 answers · asked by rapid57702 4

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

2006-09-12 14:53:42 · 52 answers · asked by I LOVE TACOS 2

not something cheesy or overused please. Its for a guy.....hahaha.

2006-09-12 14:48:01 · 9 answers · asked by alwaysright 3

I have my number blocked. Is that good enough?

I see a lot of people on Youtube doing prank calls using a cell phone. Is there a particular reason people use cell phones for prank calls? I'm just getting started in this so any advice would be appreciated.

2006-09-12 14:46:16 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok whoever can give me funniest dirty joke, will get the 10 points :)

2006-09-12 14:31:47 · 5 answers · asked by russianguyfrombrooklyn 2

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class: "There are two things you need to succeed in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. "Now you must do the same," he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

"Second," the professor continued, "You must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this corpse’s anus, but licked my index finger?"

2006-09-12 14:29:55 · 14 answers · asked by Lady Bonah 3

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.

Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm just so in love with my twenty-five-year-old wife."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, she cooks me breakfast and kisses me and tells me she loves me... At lunchtime she comes home and embraces me warmly, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home with ice cream, the best an old man could want. And then after a gourmet supper, she gives me a warm bath, and cuddles up with me all night." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "Oh, I think I see - I bet you just found out she's with you for your money?"

"No," the old man answers through his sobbing and tears, "I forgot where I live."

2006-09-12 14:24:30 · 15 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

2006-09-12 14:01:55 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

2006-09-12 13:55:21 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Journal Entry:

I'm back journal! just this blind old man, living in the same 2 story house, sadly still alone.a nice lady came by yesterday, it took me a while to find the door, though."


hmm...whas wrong with this? i made it up and its the easiest thing ive ever seen. (that was the biggest clue!)

2006-09-12 13:52:18 · 8 answers · asked by .oh snap.london bridge.oh snap. 3

hold them on ur hand face up. see any snakes, see any cars?

if youe done this b4 please dont answer!

2006-09-12 13:49:18 · 14 answers · asked by .oh snap.london bridge.oh snap. 3

2 hunters get lost in the woods after walking around for a day they come up on a cabin the first hunter says i will go ask for some food he knocks on the door a voice says come in he sees a fat woman in a dirty kitchen and tells his story she says you can have one of these pies if you f*ck me she raises her dress and has bumps and green sh*t all over it he runs out the house so the second hunter gives it a try he goes in and she says the same thing he says bend over picks up a stale corndog off the floor and ***** her with it until she comes then he throws it out the window she lets him have the pie he goes back outside to the other hunter and offers him some pie the mans says im not hungry anymore i was looking around out here and found a corndog and ate it

2006-09-12 13:46:51 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Husband likes put a joke on his wife. Wake her up put to her ear tape-recorder and include it at all capacity?

2006-09-12 13:42:38 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

How about you are you any good...if so give us an example of your joke telling skills? 10 points for the best.

2006-09-12 13:40:17 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-12 13:33:46 · 8 answers · asked by Aaron4me 3

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

2006-09-12 13:31:48 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young teenager askes her strict father if she could go out to the movies on a school night. " Did you do your chores? Your homework?", the father asked. " Yes, dad. I did everything I was supposed to. Can I go now?" she pleaded. " Yes, you may... under one condition: You polish my knob." The teenager rolls her eyes and obliges. Before she starts, she says, " Peee- ewww! Dad, why does it smell so bad down there?!" " Oh, sorry. Your brother wanted to bother the car an hour ago." he confesses.

2006-09-12 13:23:14 · 15 answers · asked by Suz E. Home BAKER 6

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

2006-09-12 13:20:39 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

In boyhood days guys from our yard beloved in dark porch hang bucket with gritty at the level of face of enter person. That was fun. Do you like this joke?

2006-09-12 13:08:11 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-12 13:07:13 · 15 answers · asked by english_rose10 3

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!

2006-09-12 12:58:46 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-12 12:24:04 · 4 answers · asked by Irish eyes 2

What does: "one in the hand is worth as much as two in the bush" mean? Is it a joke or a riddle???

2006-09-12 11:50:05 · 7 answers · asked by sugarpacketchad 5

two Irish hunters were driving through the country to go deer hunting. they cam upon a fork in the road where a sign read 'DEER LEFT' so they went home

2006-09-12 11:35:38 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

My friend and I were talking about riddles and I started to try and figure out the one where there are two men guarding two doors, one to heaven one to hell. The one says something like "I will always tell the truth and my partner will always lie. The one of us who tells the truth guards the door to heaven and the liar guards the door to hell. You may ask us one question." Can someone give me the name of this riddle? or possibly tell me it in its entirety, since when my friend asked me it, I simply asked them both this one question: Are you a guard? which told me which one was the liar as he said he wasn't a guard. This seems way too easy, and I don't think it would be so easy to just state something you already know...

2006-09-12 11:31:29 · 6 answers · asked by SG22 3