Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

a couple of English lads were buying some groceries at the supermarket when a catholic priest, wearing his left arm in a sling, asked them to reach up and get him down some dishwashing detergent from the top shelf
'what happened to your arm?' asked one of the lads
'oh. I broke it. I slipped as I was getting out of the bath.' there was silence until the priest disappeared into the next aisle
'what’s a bath?' said one lad to the other
'I dunno, 'he replied. I’m not catholic.'

2006-09-12 11:23:38 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

a priest a Rabi and a Minister were talkig about the power of god and miricals,The Minister tells of a night when he was confronted by a Temptress of low morals,and thinking of his wife did,nt help him resist the Harlet,but he prayed,he prayed so hard and sudently the temptation passed.
The priest then told the story of a plane plummiting to the ground,with the pilot passed out and an air hostest trying to level the craft ,and he prayed out loud and hard and sudently the craft leveled off with only feet to spare
The rabi then told of when he had locked up the synagogue and was walking home,he spoted $100,000 in a bag on the ground
It been the sabath he could,nt touch it,but he took out his prayers and began to pray,he prayed so hard
suddently for a hundred yards all around him it was Tuesday!!!!!!

2006-09-12 11:18:12 · 4 answers · asked by yellowdog 2

let me reword that (confusing!) ex: everyday is a "holiday. like march14 is actually 'save a spider day'. is there a site i can go to to find out everyday's??

2006-09-12 10:54:10 · 3 answers · asked by KYthehumpit ₪scrappyboy₪ 1

I need someone to go on the myspace http://myspace.com/lil_paul07 and click on the blog that says sport of love or w/e. First person to paste what it says gets ten points.

2006-09-12 10:47:38 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-12 10:39:38 · 17 answers · asked by Foxy 1

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck, the bartender says, "I hope you're not planning on starting anything in here!" Does anyone have any clean jokes like this? Thanks.

2006-09-12 10:39:18 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Looking for a short sentance, upto say 6/7 words max.

2006-09-12 10:38:56 · 17 answers · asked by dirtyharry 1

Answer: 42

2006-09-12 10:36:33 · 10 answers · asked by Foxy 1

If a friend asked what type of cake you'd like her to make for your birthday, which of the following would you choose?

Angel food
Brownies
Lemon Meringue
Vanilla with Chocolate Icing
Strawberry Short Cake
Chocolate with Chocolate Icing
Ice Cream
Carrot Cake

Now that you've made your choice, this is what research says about you!

Angel food -- Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm fuzzy items. A little nutty. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day.

Brownies -- Adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your saber.

Lemon Meringue -- Smooth, sexy, and articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try To walk and chew gum at the same time.

Vanilla with Chocolate Icing -- Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious shaking hands, however, you are a friend for life

Strawberry Short Cake -- Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt.

Chocolate with Chocolate Icing -- Sexy, always ready to give and receive, very energetic, and really likes to get into life. The opposite sex is always attracted to you.

Ice Cream -- You like sports, whether baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control.

Carrot Cake -- You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person.


(If you believe this, then I have some costal property in Florida that I want to sell you.)

2006-09-12 10:33:21 · 11 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?", asks the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The estatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"
Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's c-o-c-k."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP -- the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold the club in your hands...."

2006-09-12 10:31:14 · 5 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

Inspired by Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail I am trying to find a real answer to this. I was thinking of doing it kind of as a a science fair project but I do not have the proper connections.

2006-09-12 10:12:33 · 6 answers · asked by Al 2

Every morning my hair seems to get a lighter shade of blonde and it is starting to freak me out

2006-09-12 09:51:17 · 7 answers · asked by dishwasher67 6

A Goblin.

2006-09-12 09:49:52 · 13 answers · asked by wash_yer_nuts 3

Two guys saw their friend Lefty walking through town with nothing on but his hat and socks. They ran over to him and said, “Hey man! What are you doin’ walking through town naked?”
Lefty said, “Well, Old Man Pritchurt is out of town for a couple weeks and he asked me to go out and check on his farm and his wife while he was gone. So I did. When I got there his wife was sittin’ on the porch drinkin’ out of a bottle of wine. She asked me to join her. So I did. Then she asked me to go into her bed room with her. So I did. Then she asked me to help her out of her clothes. So I did. Then she lay spread eagle smack dab in the middle of the bed. Then she told me to take off my boots. So I did. Then she told me to take off all my clothes. So I did. Then she said, “Lefty, Go to town!” so here I am!”

2006-09-12 09:47:19 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Whichever country it was, it was called that between 1617-1769. Whoever tells me the correct country with the site that they got it from, I will choose them as best answer. Thank you so much!!!

2006-09-12 09:46:46 · 3 answers · asked by Anistasia 2

'Was there a seamens stains in captain pugwash the cartoon series?'

2006-09-12 09:39:51 · 19 answers · asked by confused 6

I was on the phone with my grandmom. I said, "I wonder why the ice tray is in the sink. Danny won't use ice made from the well water here; and he just bought a bag of ice yesterday."

She said- "Will the ice he bought fit in your ice trays?"

Do you have a story where the person was completely serious and said something as silly as that?

2006-09-12 09:35:42 · 3 answers · asked by imjustasteph 4

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office.

He's using it as a ceiling fan.

2006-09-12 09:35:38 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-12 09:35:01 · 14 answers · asked by Foxy 1

2006-09-12 08:55:57 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks
into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the
girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and
goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He
probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if
we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong
honey. I love you too!!"

2006-09-12 08:54:11 · 21 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

2006-09-12 08:54:03 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Where's the button at?



ohhh...I like that face you make when you are mad baby that's it don't move...

2006-09-12 08:53:13 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

The first divorce directly related to the September 11th terrorist attacks has been filed in New York. It appears a guy with an office on the 103rd floor of the WTC spent the morning at his girlfriend’s apartment with his phone turned off. He wasn’t watching TV either. When he turned his phone back on at about 11 am, it rang immediately. It was his hysterical wife, “Are you OK? Where are you?” He said, “What do you mean? I’m in my office of course!”

2006-09-12 08:38:54 · 12 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

A deaf couple were honeymooning in Hawaii. Having lived sheltered lives, they were very nervous about their sex life, and communicating their desires to one another in a darkened bedroom. The husband asked the wife in sign language “Honey how should I tell you when I want to have sex?”.

The wife replied in sign language, “If you want have sex nibble my right nipple once, if you don’t want to have sex nibble my left nipple twice”.

With the ice broken, the wife asked the same question to the husband.

He replied “darling, if you want to have sex pull my penis once, if you don’t want to have sex pull penis 27 times”

2006-09-12 08:29:56 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

there is a jessica in bobbies world but no alex in bobbies world
there are blood in bobbies world but no orgens in bobbies world
there are books in his world but there are no words in his world
there are mammles in bobbies world but no people in bobbies world
there are no jokes in bobbies world but there are riddles in bobbies world can you figure out the riddle of bobbies world? best answer to first person who gets it right

2006-09-12 08:23:19 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into a bar...

2006-09-12 08:12:08 · 11 answers · asked by Tom D 2

Starkle starkle little twink
Who the hell you are I think
I'm not under the alcofluence of incohol
As some thinkle peep i are

2006-09-12 07:45:37 · 7 answers · asked by due 6/30/10 3

A student said to his instructor, "Can you give me a simple example illustrating Einstein's theory of relativity?"
"Yes. Say, you've put your nose into my ars. Now you say, 'I've nose in the a*s,' and I say 'I've a nose in the ars.' The expression is the same, but the sensations are quite different!"
-------
A group of professors is standing in a university corridor discussing something. Suddenly a student in a big hurry runs by and pushes one of the professors slightly. That professor says to the student:
- Young man, you are not just being rude to us, you have disrupted our scientific discussion, your ignorant buffoonery might have deprived the world's civilization of the greatest scientific discovery ever and pushed it back to the Stone Age ...
The humbled student mumbling zellions of apologies sneaks away. The professor turns back to his colleagues and continues:
- All right, then I, like, throw her legs up my shoulders...

2006-09-12 07:42:18 · 10 answers · asked by Pd 6

Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abby was a man?

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with my sister and me.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of
you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from
being an issue, this can bring all of the family together. Why not
get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let
him be with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and
cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories
per spoonful. It is nutritious, helps you to keep your figure, and
gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His
offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral
sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. The
best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present,
and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged.
The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other
men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a
stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for him. Just
look at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his
stable home. The best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive
present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of
his behavior.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess
with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you
may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and sell it. To
ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice, expensive present, and
cook him a delicious meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do
not love your man as much as you should-he has to work a lot to get
you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to
him by buying him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice
meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-
hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention
it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice,
expensive present, and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

2006-09-12 07:40:12 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous