A guy walks into a bar...?

Question

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck, the bartender says, "I hope you're not planning on starting anything in here!" Does anyone have any clean jokes like this? Thanks.

Listen, I absolutley agree that this is one of the worst 'jokes' of all time. Don't get me wrong but this is why I need more. I admit I get a sick enjoyment out of annoying certain people that I know with lame, extremley corny crap like this. Thanks to those of you who are helping me in my twisted endeavor.

Answer 1

A salesman whose car breaks down in a rural area, walks to the next farmers house and asks whether he could put him up for the night.
The farmer says yes, but mentions that the salesman would have to share a bed with his 20 year old son.
To which the salesman replies, 'Damn, I am in the wrong joke'.

Answer 2

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says to the horse, "Why the long face"?

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A blind man walks into a bar, takes a stool, and calls out "Anybody want to hear a blond joke?". There is total silence, then the bartender says,

"Sir, you might want to think twice before telling that joke. I am blonde and a karate champion. The girl sitting to your right is blonde and a weight lifter. The girl sitting to you left is blonde and a cop. Are you sure you want to tell that joke?

The blind guy thinks for a few seconds and says, "Nah, I don't want to have to say the joke over three times".

Answer 3

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.

Answer 4

A pirate walks into a bar,and the bartender notices that he has a helm hanging from his zipper,so the bartender asks.."hey,you know you got a helm hanging from your zipper?"The pirate says"Argh,I know,it's drivin me nuts."

Answer 5

2 guys walk into a bar, the 3rd one ducks.

Answer 6

♣♥♠♦ ♦♠♥♣♣♥♠♦ ♦♠♥♣♣♥♠♦ ♦♠♥♣♣♥♠♦ ♦♠♥♣♣♥♠♦ ♦♠
You Can Develop this One Yourself,
2 pieces of string walk into bar.
bartender points to sign "No String"
kicks them out.
one goes" just do this & We'll get in"
ties a knot in head
both walk back in
bartender "hey arent you that STRING from before !?"
Sting "No, Frayed Knot"
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A Horse Walks Into A Bar And the Bartender Says Hey!, Why the Long Face.?
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Did you hear about the fire in the circus ?,
It was in-tents.
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> THE PARROT WITH NO LEGS
>
> A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
>
> The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
>
> The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
>
> "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
>
> "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
> intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
>
> "Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
>
> "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap
> my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
>
> "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
>
> "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable
> competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics,
> philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.
>
> You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
>
> The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't
> afford that."
>
> "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
>
> The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.
>
>He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal,
> he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's
insightful. The guy is delighted.
>
> One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,
"Psssssssssssst," and
> motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell
you this or not,
> but it's about your wife and the postman."
>
> "What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

> "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the
door in a sheer black nightie."
>
> "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
>
> "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie
> and
began
> petting her all over," reported the parrot.
>
> "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
>
> "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie , got down on his
> knees
and
> began to kiss her all over....">
>
> Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

> "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
>
> If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.
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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string o n the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
To get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
And some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... So does she
------------------
A man walks into a ceramic shop, he sees a ceramic cat. He asks the shopkeeper how much the cat was.
The shopkeeper tells the man it is $50, but for $250 more he could have the directions for it. The man thinks it over, and wonders why he would need directions for a ceramic cat.
He tells the shopkeeper he will take the cat for $50.
The keeper gives it to him and tells him that he'll be back for the instructions.
The man walks down the street and gets a block away. And notices behind him there are about 10 cats following him. He thinks to himself that's strange.
The man continues on for another block--looking behind him he sees 100 cats this time. Wow he says to himself this really is peculiar.
One more block passes and he turns around and behind him are 1,000 cats. The man is amazed. He looks at the ceramic cat and wonders what's going on. He walks up to the edge of the nearest bridge and throws the ceramic cat off the side.
One by one the cats follow the ceramic cat into the water--where they all drowned.
Still bewildered the man heads back to the ceramic shop. The shopkeeper smiles and told him she knew he would be back.
He asks the gentleman if he would like to purchase the special instructions for the cat. The man says no.
I want the George Bush Ceramic bust.
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A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call [phone]" and decides to make the call. The operator asks, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

"Ten pounds," he replies.

"We’ll have a representative over in the morning," says the operator.

About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.”

The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds!

That night he calls the number again and says, "I want to lose 20 pounds."

"We’ll send someone over."

The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds!

That night he calls and says, "I want to lose 50 pounds!"

"Fifty pounds?" the operator asks. "That’s an awful lot."

The man replies, "Listen, just take care of it!"

About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…”
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>>>> A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He
>>>> breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young
>>>> couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
>>>> While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed,the convict gets on top of
>>>> her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While
>>>> he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
>>>> "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
>>>>
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
>>>> I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
>>>> complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he
>>>> nauseates you.This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets
>>>> angry,
>>>> he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
>>>> His wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in
>>>> my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we
>>>> had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I
>>>> love you, too!"

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♣♥♠♦ ♦♠♥♣♣♥♠♦ ♦♠♥♣♣♥♠♦ ♦♠♥♣♣♥♠♦ ♦♠♥♣♣♥♠♦ ♦♠

Answer 7

A guy walks into a bar and says "outch"

Answer 8

It was a joke??
Sorry, clean like this I´ve never seen.

Answer 9

-two guys walk into a bar...which is pretty stupid, because after seeing the first guy, the second guy should know better.

Answer 10

A man walks into a bar...

OUCH!
----
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm a schizophrenic
And so am I