Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

A guy got a credit card bill stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it
but next month he got another one stating they were going to cancel
his credit card if he didn't send them $0.00. He called them, talked
to them, they said it was a glitch and told him they'd take care of it.

The following month he tried to charge something and couldn't. He
called the credit card company who again said they would take care of it.
The next day he got his bill for $0.00 stating that he was very delinquent.

So he thought he had a solution. He mailed the credit card company a
check for $0.00, and the credit card company's computer processed it,
noting that his account was now paid in full.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing
writing a check for $0.00. He explained and they said, "Well, your
$0.00 check has caused our check processing software to fail. We now
can't process ANY of our checks from that day electronically because
that $0.00 check has caused the program to abort. We are closing your
account."

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her
birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

2006-09-13 01:50:23 · 21 answers · asked by Swati 2

2006-09-13 01:48:38 · 26 answers · asked by Harshal M 3

As I'm a Scottish hedgehog here is a Scottish joke.

A pretty American lady on holiday in Scotland said to a man wearing a kilt,"I've often wondered what you have under your kilt"

He replied "I'm a man of few words. Give me your hand"


"Yes" hedgehogs go commando as well. that's why we curl up in a ball from Americans

2006-09-13 01:42:59 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students: "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a pee"
The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "

2006-09-13 01:40:56 · 9 answers · asked by Pd 6

An old man stopped to comfort a little boy who was crying on a park bench.

"What's wrong. son?" he said

The boy replys "I'm crying because I can't do what the big boy's do"

So the old man sat down and started crying too.

2006-09-13 01:34:59 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very handsome and confident man walked in to a bar,and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman,he gives he a quick glance, and looks at his watch...

The woman noticed and said " Is your date running late"

No! he replies, I've just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it"

The woman asks "Why is the watch so special"?

"It uses alpha waves and telepathically talks to me" says the man.

"We'll whats it telling you now? she asks

"Well its says your wearing no panties? the man replied.

The woman giggles and say" It must be broken as I am wearing panties?

The man tap's the face of the watch and explains " Damn thing must be an hour fast"......"

2006-09-13 01:23:29 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

wat is the 10 letter word that can b formed frm the 10 letters
M U E R V A N H Y L ???
condition : repetition of letters is not allowed

2006-09-13 01:09:35 · 4 answers · asked by ambi 2

2 brothers Anthony and Paul Nis decided to open a business together and called the company Nis & Nis.
One day the receptionist told both brothers she was resigning with
immediate effect. Shock, the brothers asked "Why"?
She told them, that it is very embarrassing answering the phone Nis & Nis.
The brothers were confused, so the receptionist explained.
A caller will ask to speak to "Mr Nis", she then has to ask if they
want"
A.Nis or P.Nis ?"

2006-09-13 01:06:48 · 8 answers · asked by zaazzy 4

A woman stood out on her porch and yelled, "Praise the Lord!" The athiest next door yelled back, "There is no Lord!" Well, the next day she yelled it again, and the athiest yelled his response. One day, she stood on her porch saying, "Lord, I need groceries. I cannot afford them. Please, Lord, send me groceries." The next day, the woman stepped out on her porch and saw a big bag of groceries. She yelled, "Praise the Lord!" The athiest jumps out from a bush and says, "I bought them groceries! There IS NO LORD!!!!" The woman ignores him and says, "Praise the Lord! He gave me groceroes, and made Satan over here pay for 'em!"

2006-09-13 01:03:40 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-13 00:55:14 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

i have islamic project i need to have 10 topics
give me websites please best one gets 10 points

2006-09-13 00:30:33 · 2 answers · asked by Riya 4

I'm going to be a construction worker for halloween and want a dirty slogan to put on my apron, any ideas?

2006-09-13 00:21:50 · 5 answers · asked by Marie 2

Give it a try.
(examples)
Unsinkable Scuba Gear.
A spare tire made of lime Jello.
The Easy Inflight Exit Door for jet airplanes.
The Rooftop Sump Pump.

2006-09-13 00:04:04 · 11 answers · asked by opjames 4

You ask me day and night questions you cannot answer,
Through me you you breath every breath for you do not kow when will be your last,
The night and day pass with time and you look upon them as granted,
The birds fly through the sky and I let them pass by,
The wind, rain, and heat change with every passing moment
People make of me short and or they bloom and go beyond.
Through me men have been great and men have been meak,
I cannot dictate what they be,
People who have known me lie in the earth
and withered and frail,
The young are curious but the old are wise,
Change I welcome but some I do not
Men they come and go but I am eternal
make of me what you will for I am but,
a moment....

What am I talking about?

2006-09-12 23:52:38 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-12 23:24:55 · 32 answers · asked by nacho' 2

2006-09-12 23:14:22 · 16 answers · asked by Perfectly Flawed 5

Allllrrrighty then. Here's the topic.....
"Top ten ways you know you are watching a low budget Pirate movie".
I'll come up with the first 5, then you are on your own.

1. The prop department couldnt find a hook, so the lead Pirate was renamed "Captain Fork".
2. The Pirate ship is named the "S.S. Minnow" and one of the pirates is called "Mr. Howe".
3. The main sail has the words "This space for rent" printed on it.
4. Instead of a skull and crossbones, the pirate flag bears an image of Dick Cheney with the motto "Make the first shot count" under it.
5. The pirates are so old that they sing "Yo,ho,ho, and a bottle of Tums"

2006-09-12 23:12:18 · 4 answers · asked by opjames 4

Welcome to Egypt Air


zis is your captain Haridi welcoming both seated and standing
passengers on board of Egypt Air.

We apologize for z four days delay in taking off, it was due to bad
weazer and some overtime I had to put in at z bakery baking Kaak.

zis is flight 717 to Alexandria Airport. Landing zer is not
guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in Egypt. And, if luck is in
our favor, we may even be landing on your village !

Egypt Air has an excellent safety-record. In fact, our safety
standards are so high, zat even terrorists are afraid to fly wiz us!

It is wiz pleasure; I announce zat, starting zis year, over 30% of our
passengers have reached zeir destination.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can
arrange to turn zem off in order to make sure you are feeling
comfortable!

We regret to inform you, zat today's in-flight movie will not be shown
as we forgot to record it from z television. However, for our movie
buffs, we will be flying right next to Somalia Airlines, where zeir
movie will be visible from z right side of z cabin window.

zere is no smoking allowed in zis airplane. Any smoke you see in z
cabin is only z early warning system on z engines telling us to slow
down!
In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as
possible for z best view. If however, we go a little too close, do let
us know.

Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right srough z landmark!

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off
and fasten your seat-belt. For zose of you who can't find a seat-belt,
kindly fasten your own belt to z arm of your seat . And, for zose of
you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch wiz a
stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase.

sanking you all for choosing Egypt Air to fly for z first and last
time, I Wish you a nice trip,

Regards from ...

Captain Haridi

2006-09-12 23:00:45 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-12 22:50:37 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. A man was staying in a hotel in small town. He asked customer service where he can get a hair cut. The manager said there were only 2 barber shops, East barber shop and West barber shop. He decided to check out both shops. He went to the East shop and it was so messy and the barber had a messy cut himself, so he went into the West barber shop and it was clean and the barber had hair of a movie star. Where would the man get his hair cut from?

2. A boy saw two roads that split opposite directions and each road leads to a town, one is lietown where evryone lies and truthtown where everyone is always telling the truth. There was a girl in the fork of the two roads and the boy knew she was from either lietown or truthtown. He had to ask only one question to know where to go. What question should he ask?

when answering, please explain briefly why you chose that answer for the logic question. whoever knows a lot about this, will get the 10 points they deserve

2006-09-12 22:47:44 · 8 answers · asked by Princess Answers 3

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claim an unidentified flying object with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.

This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the US Air Force and the federal government

However, you may well NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr., Hillary Rodham; John F. Kerry; William Jefferson Clinton; Howard Dean; Nancy Pelosi; Dianne Feinstein; Charles E. Schumer; and Barbara Boxer were all born.

That piece of information has now cleared up a lot of odd questions concerning these politicos .

2006-09-12 22:32:11 · 10 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

When he says your parteners hair smell good

2006-09-12 22:21:42 · 10 answers · asked by Pottie 1

on a beach in Valencia, Spain in sept 2005. looking east at the horizon at about 6pm. clear blue sky, I noticed a vague grey line, ruler straightand narrow like someone had pencilled it in, touching the horizon and shooting up into the sky at a weird angle, about 80 degrees to the left. it was really indistinct and more visible looking at it periphirally if you get my drift. thought the sun had gotten to me until i noticed other people looking at it including my two friends who saw the same thing. It kinda disappeared high above us in that fuzzy way rainbows do.

Any ideas? this has bugged me for a year now

2006-09-12 22:11:07 · 7 answers · asked by migh 7

OK... here it goes...

3 friends walk up to the reception in a hotel and they each pony up $10 Dlls for the room. They pay, get the key and are on their way. When hotel clerk checks the price of the room, he notices that he over charged 4 dollars because the room was 26 Dlls, not 30, and sends the bell boy to return the change. On his way there, the bellboy was wondering how he could give back the change equally between the 3, and desides to give back $1 Dlls per person and keep $1 Dlls for himself. The original amount was $30 Dlls, he gave back one to each, that means they each spent $9.

9 times 3 is 27 plus 1 the bellboy kept is 28, WHERE DID THE OTHER 2 DOLLARS GO...??!!

2006-09-12 21:51:50 · 11 answers · asked by Marty K 2

its at night there is a bridge and a bomb on it it takes 17 min to blow up. there is 4 people they need to cross over but each one has a specific time to cross: a man 1min a woman 2min a baby 5min and old guy 10min. there is only one flashlight and they must cross 2 by 2 so that the other one would come back with the flashlight. now how you calculate the time ex: if the man and the woman cross together they take 2min so you take the time of the longest time. watch out you should take into consideration that someone is going back with the flashlight so they also have there own time ok? remember 17 min till the bomb explodes and they all die. how are they going to cross?

2006-09-12 21:41:14 · 11 answers · asked by lebanon_jules 2

A couple were driving through the countryside of Ireland when they came across a farmer standing motionless in the middle of a field.
The husband said to wife: "We better check on him ."
So the couple stopped and walked out to the farmer in the field and asked if he was OK.
The farmer replied:"Oh yes I'm fine. I just heard that any man outstanding in his field can win a Nobel prize."

2006-09-12 20:06:43 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

I was barely sitting down in men's rest room when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
And he says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? too bizarre so I said: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions to you!!!"

2006-09-12 19:35:23 · 27 answers · asked by Pd 6

Last time, we had this following riddle:

What would you call a cool rabbit?
A: A hip hopper!

Heh. And here is today's riddle:

What prize did the inventor get for the invention of door-knockers?

Good luck!:)

2006-09-12 19:24:52 · 12 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers
This one is worth passing on...
This one is for everyone who
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids

I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,
Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny
fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

2006-09-12 19:10:50 · 23 answers · asked by Daqueenfasho 1

10 pts for the best.

2006-09-12 18:56:34 · 7 answers · asked by momoftwo 3