Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

When they get inside Mohammed starts screaming about the evil of drinking and all of this sh*t, and then he rips open his jacket and detonates the bomb strapped to his chest.

When the paramedics arrived there was nothing left but a pile of rubble and the bodies of Jesus, Mohammed, the bartender, and the other customers.

Three days later, Jesus walks into O'Sullivan's Bar?

That was his favorite watering hole.

2006-08-07 20:42:18 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

TYPES OF FARTERS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

VAIN: A person who loves the smell of his own farts

AMIABLE: A person who loves the smell of other people's farts

PROUD: A person who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine

SHY: A person who releases silent farts and then blushes

IMPUDENT: A person who boldly farts out loud and then laughs

UNFORTUNATE: A person who tries awfully hard to fart but poops instead

SCIENTIFIC: A person who farts regularly but is only concerned about
pollution

NERVOUS: A person who stops in the middle of his fart

HONEST: A person who admits he farted but offers good medical reasons

DISHONEST: A person who farts and then blames the dog

FOOLISH: A person who suppresses a fart for hours and hours

THRIFTY: A person who has several good farts in reserve

ANTI-SOCIAL: A person who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy

STRATEGIC: A person who conceals his farts with loud coughing

SADISTIC: A person who farts in bed and then fluffs

2006-08-07 20:38:01 · 9 answers · asked by GS 3

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''
14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''

2006-08-07 20:33:22 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.

Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"

2006-08-07 20:29:35 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this noise coming from my car this morning. It sounded as if I was kicking a cat all the time, but I wasn't.
By the time I arrived at work, the noise stopped, but now I can see this strange fluid lying under my car.

2006-08-07 20:26:03 · 19 answers · asked by The Phantom 4

One man goes to a bar and after looking around saw a lady sitting alone in the corner.

He approches her and asked her if he could buy a drink for her.

Lady replies "Alcohal is not good for my legs".

The man asks "Why? Do the swallow."

Lady "No they open."

------------------------------------

A husband, naked, while looking in the mirror, saw his dcik and said to his wife "2 inch more and I will be a KING"

To which the wife replies "2 inch less and you will be QUEEN"

2006-08-07 20:22:14 · 12 answers · asked by GS 3

At the pharmacy, a man asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The lady at the counter said that she herself was the pharmacist, and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no male employees. She then asked how she could help.

The man said that it was something he would be more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

She reminded him that she was completely professional, and he could speak with her in the utmost confidence.

"This is tough for me to discuss," he said, "but I have a permanent erection. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."

"Just a minute", said the pharmacist, "I'll go consult with my sister."

She returned a few minutes later and said: "We discussed this at length. The absolute best we can do is: one-third ownership of the shop, a company car, and $3,000 a month living expenses."

2006-08-07 20:21:22 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it.

When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32.

This happened several weeks in a row.

The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor, which is to be expected in 67 year-olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave.

Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicaid".

2006-08-07 20:18:44 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two men are sitting in the doctor's office. The one looks at the other one and says, "What are you here for?"

The man replied "I have a red ring around my p-e-c-k-e-r, What are you here for?"

The other man said, "I have a green ring around my p-e-c-k-e-r."

The doctor called the man with the red ring first in his office and examined him.

As he was walking out he told the other guy it was no problem.

The doctor called the man in with the green ring around his p-e-c-k-e-r and examined him.

The doctor says, "Your p-e-c-k-e-r is gonna fall off and you are gonna die".

The mans says, "What?? You told the man with the red ring he was ok, but I'm gonna die??"

The doctor said, "Yes but there's a lot of difference lipstick and gangrene!"

2006-08-07 20:17:08 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tom and Mike, two gay men, are on their honeymoon.

After a passionate night together, Tom suddenly realises that they have run out of lube, so he says to Mike "I'm just off to the shop to get some

more lube - we've run out!" He also says "and there's to be no wanking while I'm gone, okay?"

"Yeah, sure." replies Mike.

Twenty minutes later, Tom returns and on opening the door sees a whole load of *** on the bed. He says to Mike "I thought I told you there was to be no wanking?"

Mike replies "No I didn't, I just farted!"

2006-08-07 20:15:01 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

2006-08-07 20:11:06 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother and daughter were riding in a cab though New York City daughter noticed some scantily clad women loitering on a street "Mommy," the little girl asked, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to come home from work." the mother answered.

"C'mon lady, they're hookers!" retorted the cab driver.

After a stunned silence, the daughter asked, "Mommy, do hookers have children?"

"Of course," the mother replied,
"where do you think cabbies come from?"

2006-08-07 19:52:28 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon
they were working in the garden together. As the
wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband
said "Hey, honey you are getting fat. Your butt
is getting huge. "I bet it is as big as the gas
grill now."

The husband feeling he needed to prove his point,
got a yard stick, measured the grill & then
measured his wife's butt. "Yep, he said, "Just
what I thought, just about the same size." The
wife got very incensed and decided to let him do
the gardening alone.

She went inside & didn't speak to her husband the
rest of the day. That evening when they went to
bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and
said, "How about it honey? How about a little
lovemaking?" The wife rolled over & turned her
back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
"What's the matter?" he asked. To which she
replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up
this big *** grill for one little weenie, do
you?"

2006-08-07 19:51:46 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

2006-08-07 19:50:48 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

glittering points that downwards thrust sparkling spears that never rust.

2006-08-07 19:50:31 · 16 answers · asked by jo 5

A man walked up to a farm house and knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, though, the man knocked, and asked the same question. Not amused, the woman screamed at him and told him to leave.

Later that evening, the woman told her husband of the incident. He said he'd stay home the following day just in case the man returned.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she replied, "Sure, I do! Why do you ask?"

"Good," said the man at the door, "give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!"

2006-08-07 19:49:47 · 12 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5
What absolute bliss!!

Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has
become dangerous...

Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and screw himself and he did.

Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

2006-08-07 19:45:11 · 8 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

ok here one for u: u have a sheep ,a wolf,and a head of lettuce... and u have to get them to the other side of the island without them being eaten...how do u do u get them across w/o them being eaten?????

2006-08-07 19:40:58 · 10 answers · asked by christian 1

Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long, ice fishing. One has been having no luck at all and the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secrect is.
"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm."
"I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm."
"I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you." The successful man spits something into his hand.
"You've got to keep your worms warm."

2006-08-07 19:38:49 · 4 answers · asked by heatherlynnmorrow 5

It took Saddam 20 years to get that unpopular.

2006-08-07 19:36:32 · 12 answers · asked by heatherlynnmorrow 5

Yesterday, we saw this following riddle:

Why did the cat throw "M" into the freezer?
A: It was trying to turn ice into mice!

Hehe. And now for today's riddle:

Why is it so hard to replace a human cannonball?

Good luck! :)

2006-08-07 19:32:23 · 9 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

So there's a bus full of ugly people. The bus full with ugly people crashes and everyone dies and goes to heaven. When they get to heaven they have to pass through a gate and meet god. When they meet god they can make one wish.So all the ugly people get in one line and start to wish. The first one wishes he was hansome. And god granted his wish The second one wishes she was pretty and when she finished she heard someone laughing at the back of the line. Well this went on, and down the line everyone who went wished to not be ugly anymore. And the guy at the back laughed even harder! Then it's finally his turn and he steps to god. god asks well whats your wish? And the man says I wish for everyone to be ugly again!

2006-08-07 19:26:50 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two Iraqui mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"
This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now."

"Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now, though," mum confides.

"Oh, so sad dear," says the other.

"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21."

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily. "He had such curly hair when he was born."

"He's a martyr, too," says mum quietly.

"Oh gracious me," says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."

"He is a martyr, also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Iraqui mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

2006-08-07 19:24:12 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

They be screaming "Shoot dat sucka!!" or "Let me cut him" while I'm playing Grand Theft Auto series..

"I ain't never gonna cheat on you baby you can take that to the bank.."

I told my girl after that..

"That's right ***** you better not play with me." She then said.

Wow....

2006-08-07 19:23:58 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a country road
when he passed by a three-legged chicken. He stepped on the gas, but at fifty miles per hour the chicken was still ahead. After a few miles, the chicken ran up a driveway and into a barn behind an old farmhouse.
The salesman drove up to the house and knocked at the door. When he told the farmer what he'd just seen, the farmer said that his son was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken so that he, his wife, and his son could each get a drumstick.
The salesman said,"That's fantastic.How do they taste?"The farmer said,"I don't know. We can't catch them."....

2006-08-07 19:23:00 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

I like video games more than I love y'all.

There I said it. You might have my heart but them games got my hands for now.

Preach.

Whatssup Butta?

2006-08-07 19:16:03 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal. As I answered it, I was greeted with, "Is this Jerrold Buller"? No one calls me "Jerrold" (not even my mom), so I asked who was calling. The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that. Then, a really rotten but brilliant plan just exploded in my brain!

I asked him if he knew Jerrold personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, "Get some pictures of the body at various angles -- and the blood smears."

I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had called a murder scene, making him a prime "person of interest," and that he must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to testify in this case.

I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.

I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying clatter of his running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears of laughter streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My food was cold, but who cares?

2006-08-07 19:15:22 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

5. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"

6. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

7. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

8. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

9. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

10. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

11. Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

12. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

13. Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier !!"

2006-08-07 19:09:54 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

2006-08-07 18:49:43 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-07 18:43:28 · 6 answers · asked by Firefly 4