Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

Jenny awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.She went downstairs looking for him. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw tears rolling from his eyes as he sipped his coffee.

"What's the matter with you, my dear? Why are you down here at this time of the night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us while dating?"
"Yes, I do remember," she replied.
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"
"Yes, I do," she said, getting a little teary- eyed herself at his fond recollection.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know... I would have been released today."

2007-12-16 00:01:59 · 17 answers · asked by Pd 6

1. I C U

2. U R A G8 1

3. I C U R N AZN

4. I H8 S8N

5. Y R U P N

6. I H O P ness

2007-12-15 23:40:51 · 15 answers · asked by Huh 5

Flatulence: Emergency vehicle that picks you up after
you are run over by a steamroller.
Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the
truth will do more damage.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are
wonderful even though they're sure you're not
raising
them right.
Grocery list: What you spend half-an-hour writing,
then forget to take with you to the store.
Handkerchief: Cold storage.
Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.
Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.
Hors d'oeuvres: A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still
vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be, as long
as they do everything we say.
Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the
paper.
Kissing: A means of getting two people so close
together that they can't see anything wrong with each
other.
Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full
of loot.
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die
rich.

2007-12-15 23:23:14 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Beauty parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.




Benign: What you be after you be eight.




Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.




Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late
when you are early.




Burglarize: What a crook sees with.




Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.




Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are
born and after they are dead.




Classic: A book that people praise, but do not read.






Clothes dryer: An appliance designed to eat socks.




Coffee: A person who is coughed upon.


College: The four-year period when parents are
permitted access to the telephone.


Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.




Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way
that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.




Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the
number present.


Control: A short, ugly inmate.

2007-12-15 23:22:49 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Let's delve into the wonders of our language with a
few reminders that even everyday words and expressions
can be a source of amusement—with the proper twist, of
course.




Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat
stomach.


Account: A countess' husband.


Accrue: The people who run a ship.


Acoustic: A stick used to play pool.


Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends
and is now growing in the middle.


Amnesia: The condition that enables a woman who has
gone through labor to have sex again.


Antique: An item your grandparents bought, your
parents got rid of, and you're buying again.


Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at
McDonald's.


Asset: A little donkey.




Atheism: A non-prophet organization.




Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.




Baloney: Where some skirt hemlines fall.


Barium: What we do to most people when they die.

2007-12-15 23:22:35 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hope you like = )

There were 3 men making their way to a stable by following the light of a star to see a baby. When they reached the stable they went in, one by one, but as the last one entered he whacked his head on the doorframe as he was very tall and exclaimed "Jesus Christ!"
The mother of the baby, Mary, turned to Joseph and said "Hey, let's call him that! It's better than Clive"

2007-12-15 23:08:36 · 9 answers · asked by ~Grace~ 5

A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in he lower.

At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying,

"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied.

"Just for tonight, why don't we pretend that we're married?"

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he is excited.

And she says :

"Get up and take it yourself"

2007-12-15 23:00:54 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

As a young boy enters a barber shop the barber whispers to
his customer's. This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove
it to you."


The barber puts a pound in one hand and 2 pounds
in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which
do you want, son?" The boy takes the pound and leaves.


"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That
kid never learns!"


Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young
boy coming out of the ice cream store.


"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the pound instead of the 2 pounds?"



The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the
day I take the 2 pounds, the game's over!"

2007-12-15 22:52:19 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-15 22:50:55 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other one is a husband.


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the driveway."

THE DOCTORS SAY I WILL WALK AGAIN, BUT I WILL ALWAYS HAVE A LIMP.

2007-12-15 22:16:17 · 11 answers · asked by Pd 6

Two guys sneak into a farmer's fruit garden and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of which ever fruit you want," said the farmer.
The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer.
The farmer says,"now shove em' all up your ***."
The guy gets all 100 up his ***. He feels really bad, but then e starts to laugh.
"Why you laughing?" asked the farmer.
To which the man replied, "My friend is out picking watermelons!"

2007-12-15 21:31:46 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

"They all make grreat smoothies" confided well-known celeb Tony last night. "You don't think I actually like those sugary conflakes do you? I deserve an oscar darlings"

2007-12-15 20:57:18 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok so a brunette is walking through the dessert and she find a magical lamp that when she rubs it a genie popped out . "i will grant u 3 wishes" he said. "but there is 1 condition."" yes?" she asked. "ok you can have 3 wishes but everything you wish for all the blondes in the world will get 2wich as much." "ok" she replied so the genie askes, " whats your 1st wish?"
"i wish i had 1 million dollars," ok but every blonde will get 2wice as much " ya ya, whatever." i wish i had the hottest boyfriend in the world. "ok but every blonde will get twise as much." " ya ya." ok see that stick over there, i want you to beat me half to death with it

2007-12-15 20:08:32 · 7 answers · asked by sk8jew 3

Learn To Speak Chinese In 5 minutes
(Important: Read Out Loud)

English Phrase / Chinese Translation

1. "That's not right"............... Sum Ting Wong

2. "Are you harboring a fugitive?".. Hu Yu Hai Ding

3. "See me ASAP".................... Kum Hia Nao

4. "There goes Stupid Man".......... Dum Dum Wa King

5. "Small Horse".................... Tai Ni Po Ni

6. "Did you go to the beach?"....... Wai Yu So Tan

7. "I bumped into a coffee table"... Ai Bang Mai Ni

8. "I think you need a face lift"... Chin Tu Fat

9. "It's very dark in here"......... Wao So Dim

10. "I thought you were on a diet".. Wai Yu Mun Ching

11. "This is a tow away zone"....... No Pah King

12. "Our meeting is next week"...... Wai Yu Kum Nao

13. "Staying out of sight!"......... Lei Ying Lo

14. "He's cleaning his automobile".. Wa Shing Ka

15. "Your body odor is offensive"... Yu Stin Ki Pu

16. "Great"......................... Su Pah

2007-12-15 19:38:34 · 13 answers · asked by sk8jew 3

would somebody answer pls.

2007-12-15 18:16:48 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I
picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel,
where I had s*ex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody."

2007-12-15 17:51:37 · 15 answers · asked by Nola 3

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog
for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish
priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a
mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services
for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane,
and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do
something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't
ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

2007-12-15 17:50:39 · 6 answers · asked by Nola 3

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his
wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said,
"You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his
side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,"You're
cute."
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was
now
"cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

2007-12-15 17:48:54 · 9 answers · asked by Nola 3

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his
priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together,
but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again for your penance, say five
Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then
walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then
started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over
to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor
box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

2007-12-15 17:46:34 · 14 answers · asked by Nola 3

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

He noticed one man in the front row nodding knowingly. "Yes?" the doctor says, asking the man to speak aloud.

"Wedding cake."

2007-12-15 15:49:39 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous eriction.

"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed, "What do you think we ought to do with it?"


With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

2007-12-15 15:47:15 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A koala is getting stoned in a tree, a lizard walks by and asks if he could join him. The koala says yes. After awhile the lizard tells the koala he is going to get water at the river. the lizards drinks water and falls in the river. an alligator helps him get out and the lizard invites him back to the tree to get stoned. the koala see's the aligator and says "damm how much water did you drink?"

2007-12-15 15:43:25 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy is out with buddies. He has few drinks served by a gorgeous barmaid, but being a true-to-his-wife kind of guy, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.

She awakes with a start, spits out the tablets, and demands to know, "What did you put in my mouth?"

"Two aspirin," he says.

"But I don't have a headache!" she says, a bit irritated.

"That," he says, sliding in next to her, "is all I wanted to hear."

2007-12-15 15:42:06 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.


When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond !!!!

2007-12-15 15:39:56 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

2007-12-15 14:43:07 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."








(keep going)











"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

2007-12-15 14:05:19 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

They both get the red out.
I know it's a bad joke. It's the only one I can think of now.

2007-12-15 14:03:30 · 11 answers · asked by jemark 6

Only in America...
Do drugstores make
The sick walk all the way
To the back of the store
To get their prescriptions
While healthy people
Can buy cigarettes
At the front.



Only in America ...
Do people order
Double cheeseburgers,
Large fries,
And a diet coke.



Only in America ......
Do banks leave
Both doors open
And then chain
The pens to the counters.



Only in America ....
Do we leave cars worth
Thousands of dollars
In the driveway and
Put our useless junk
In the garage.



Only in America ...
Do we buy hot dogs in packages
Of ten and buns in packages of eight.



Only in America .....
Do we use the word 'politics'
To describe the process so well:
'Poli' in Latin meaning
'many' and 'tics'
Meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.



Only in America ......
Do they have drive-up
ATM machines with
Braille lettering.



EVER WONDER ....



Why the sun lightens our hair,
But darkens our skin ?

2007-12-15 13:36:58 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

39. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

40. [Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay]
He he! Look at this country! 'You-are-gay.'

41. All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.

42. Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.

43. But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

44. I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.

45. Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.

46. That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!47. Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

2007-12-15 13:20:25 · 6 answers · asked by ? 3

28. I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

29. Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.

30. Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right; we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.

31. Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

32. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine making course, and I forgot how to drive?

33. Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

2007-12-15 13:18:13 · 5 answers · asked by ? 3