Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

Do You Really Have To Be Smart To Be A Lawyer?

It must be such a relief for you to find out it's not only Football Commentators who say the stupidest things !

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers' Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:


"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"


"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"


"Were you present when your picture was taken?"


Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."


"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"


"Did he kill you?"


"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"


"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"


"How many times have you committed suicide?"


Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"


Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"


Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"


Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"


Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"


Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"


Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."


Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."


Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."


Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."


Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."


Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood.

2007-12-14 20:57:05 · 18 answers · asked by tastybits 7

Two men are out camping. They are sleeping in their tent when on e of thme cries out in pain. the other man wakes up just in time to see a deadly, poisonous snake slithering out of the tent. "that snake just bit me right on my C@ck!" caries the man. " hurry! run and call a doctor to see what we should do!" without a moment's hesitation the other man springs from the tent and runs two miles through the woods to a campsite where ther is a pay phone. he calls the doctor and though he is totally out of breath, he manages, in gasps, to tell the doctor what has happended. "what should i do, Doc?" he asks. the doctor says " listen carefully. you must go back to your friend and with a razor blade cut and X right on the spot where the snake bit him, then suck out the venom. but do it quickly or your friend will die!" the man runs two miles back through the forest and arrives at the tent. his friend looks up anxiously in pain and says "what did the doctor say?" the man replies "your gonna die!"

2007-12-14 17:32:54 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did
you check for a pulse?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Witness: No.

Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?

Witness: No.

Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
jar.

Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been
alive, nevertheless?

Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law.

heheh :) star if you like!

2007-12-14 16:37:10 · 8 answers · asked by Alex 2

check this riddle out

2007-12-14 16:31:32 · 12 answers · asked by l_spgirlroxs 1

Here are five reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....



FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow***?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word .. he knew better.



SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"



THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.



FOURTH TESTIMONY

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident"? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!



LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Now, didn't that feel good?

2007-12-14 16:07:16 · 18 answers · asked by ~*Bella*~ 5

A young boy hurt his hand.
OMG!,yelled his teacher.'I'll get a band aid!'
No!said the boy.'get cider!'
Why cider?asked the teacher.
'My older sister says when she gets a prick in her hand,
she loves to put it in cider.'

2007-12-14 15:44:59 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman meets a man in a bar.


They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together. They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his
apartment. She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.


There are three shelves in the
bedroom,


with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put
into organizing the display.


There were small bears all alongthe bottom shelf, medium-sized bears
covering the
length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears runningall the
way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a
large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. but doesn't mention this
to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after
awhile, she finds herself thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' she turns to him
and kisses him
lightly on the lips


He responds warmly. they continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he
romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each
other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more
creativity, more heat than she
has ever known. After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together
in
the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
Well,how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,


strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,

and says:





"Help yourself to any prize from
the middle shelf"

2007-12-14 15:17:03 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

there was a car accident with a black car and a little blue car.
the little blue car ran into the blakc car,and somebody was dead
but the person driving the blue car wasnt charged for mansluaghter.
why wasnt the guy in the blue car charged for manslaughter?

2007-12-14 13:44:06 · 10 answers · asked by Emma♥'s David 4

A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in.

With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.

The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly.

He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti.

He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar.

The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?"

The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"

The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"

The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"

2007-12-14 13:08:37 · 11 answers · asked by Silent Anger 3

Three men - a Canadian farmer, A Muslin fanactic and a
Texan are all waiting for a bus one day.

A moving van drives by and a beautiful lamp falls of the back, the three men rush to get the lamp, each with their own agenda.
As all three grab the lamp a genie pops out.
"I will give each on you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ."
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for and the Canadian was gone.

The Muslin Fanactic was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels can come in our our precious land."

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries, and the Muslim Fanatic was gone.The Texan looking very perplexed says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall"

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet
high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The Texan sits down, cracks a wide grin, and says to the genie, "Fill the interior of the walls with water."

2007-12-14 11:41:27 · 7 answers · asked by Jessie H 6

ok is this joke good or not, one through five stars:

It was the last day of school until Christmas break and Mrs. Browns student Sally, whos father owned a Flower Shop, came in. Sally gave her teacher a vase with a cover on it, Mrs. Brown knew that it was flowers. "Thank you Sally!" Then, Billy came in, his mom owned a Candy shop and he came in with a big ol' box of candy. "Thanks Billy, How Sweet!" Then Kari came in, her father owned a liquer store. when Mrs. Brown got the package, she saw that it was moist at the bottom, she took her finger and tasted her finger and touched the bottom of the box and licked her finger again. "Well Kari, what tipe of wine is that?" "I didnt get you wine, i got you a puppy!''


Wadya Think???? BE HONEST! one through five stars. (****)

2007-12-14 11:36:24 · 19 answers · asked by Jonas Fanatic! 2

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly." She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up. Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

2007-12-14 11:13:25 · 18 answers · asked by Quizard 7

I know this joke has been posted before, but I would still like to tell it again. Tell me what you think of it and what your rating would be for it. Here is the joke:


A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

2007-12-14 11:09:20 · 14 answers · asked by layanne1 4

After giving a speech at an elementary school, President Bush allows the kids to ask a few questions. One little boy, Billy, gathers the courage to raise his hand and asks, “How come you invaded Iraq without the support of the U.N.?”

Just as Bush begins to answer, the recess bell rings and he says they’ll continue afterward. Half an hour later the kids come back inside.

“Where were we?” says George. “Oh, yes - does anyone want to ask me anything?”

A different boy raises his hand and says, “I have three questions: First, why did you invade Iraq without support from the U.N.? Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And third, where the hell is Billy?”

2007-12-14 11:00:29 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

An embarrassed man goes to see his doctor after several frustrating nights with his wife. “I have a sexual problem, doc, I can’t get it up for my wife anymore,” he mumbles. "I think I may need Viagra or something."

The doctor replies, “Don't get ahead of yourself Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.”

The next day the worried man returns with his wife. “Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,” the doctor says. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down, please. Uh-huh, I see. OK, you may put your clothes back on.”

The doctor takes the husband aside and says, “You’re in perfect health. Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”

2007-12-14 10:48:10 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

2007-12-14 10:29:29 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man comes home to find his pet parrot has taken his viagra. in disgust he puts the parrot in the freezer to cool off. the next morning he opens the freezer door to find the parrot sweating. how come your sweating? he asks. the parrot replies' do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken!!!!!

2007-12-14 10:07:59 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-14 09:19:53 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

My first is in pauper and also in prayer
My seconds in blanket but isn`t in Cher
My third is in ashen and also in wish
My fourth is in simple and also in dish
My fifth is in worship but isn`t in ship
My sixth is in ogre but isn`t in grip
My sevenths in garden and also in guard
My eighths in dinner and also in din
But if you don`t know the whole thing
I won`t let you in

2007-12-14 08:49:02 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you have or know some one who has, how did your/their colleagues react and how did you deal with it?

2007-12-14 08:47:32 · 3 answers · asked by Why does everyone hate me? 3

DEAL SILENT BRAVE CANDY V LAST

Is she sleeping He can look at a king singer /song..........easy peasy

2007-12-14 08:40:23 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

IF U GT BEBO DEN GO ON DIS
WWW.BEBO.COM/IMMACULATE07

2007-12-14 08:12:56 · 4 answers · asked by CRENTZONDISTING 1

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.

Q. What's better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.

Q. How do you say 69 in Chinese?
A. Twocanchew (two can chew).

Q. How do you teach a blond math?
A. Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root
her.

Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged


Q. What is the lightest thing in the world?
A. A pen*s...even a thought can raise it.

Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and
a man fighting with his wife...
A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.


Q. What does a female snail say during sex?
A. Faster, faster, faster!

2007-12-14 08:06:51 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. I need to whip it out by 5.


9. Mind if I use your laptop?


8. Just stick it in my box.


7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag.


6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!


5. HMMMMMMM..... I think it's out of fluid.


4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.


3. It's an entry-level position.


2. When are you getting off today?


And the #1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:


1. It's not fair.......I do all the work while he just
sits there.

2007-12-14 08:06:31 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: What did the mama buffalo say to her son when he went off to college?




A: Bison.

2007-12-14 06:39:58 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

choose the answer is four number (and are from 1-9)

The first is larger than the second;
the second twice the third;
the third smaller than the fourth;
the fourth is half the first.

Four of the numbers are not repeated
Three are not in the top row
Two are not in the right row
One of the numbers is the final key

2007-12-14 06:35:07 · 9 answers · asked by Paris, je t'aime 5

Little Johny was looking for his dad to ask him a question. He hears a comotion coming from his parents bedroom, so he opens the door, and sure enough theres his dad on top of his mother, just a lovein her strong. His dad looks back and sees little Johny standing there looking quite astonished. He yells "Johny get out of here!!! Go watch TV in the living room!!!" So little Johny stomps off to the living room. After his dad and mom get finished his dad walks into the living room, and there in front of him was little Johny puttin it to ole grandma. His father shouts, "Johny what the hell are you doing?" Johny said, "It aint so damn funny when its your mom is it?"

2007-12-14 06:33:31 · 14 answers · asked by EngSupCo 3

So the other night my wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we’re laying in bed. I looked over at her and, in my sexiest voice, asked her “Wanna have sex?”

“No.” She answered.

I said, “Is that your final answer?”

“Yes.” She replied.

So I said, “I’d like to phone a friend.”

2007-12-14 06:18:33 · 11 answers · asked by Keepin it real 1

http://www.terrisfunny.com/xmasflash1/frosty.swf

2007-12-14 06:08:02 · 11 answers · asked by ? 5

So this horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, why the long face?"

Horse....long face..... get it?

2007-12-14 06:06:44 · 7 answers · asked by cheezewhiz 3