Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

Am I the only one??? such as MICHAEL VICK,,BRITANNY,,that cop that probably killed both wives,,the kid that just killed in that MALL.etc etc etc. DUMB--

2007-12-13 09:25:25 · 4 answers · asked by themojoman_dj 1

- the optician says - 'can you read the card?' and the Polish guys says - 'of course I can, I know all these people'

2007-12-13 09:18:11 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - "This is the WORST book I've ever read!" "It has NO plot and far too many characters!"

The librarian looks up and calmly remarks - "So, you're the one who took our phone book..."

2007-12-13 09:17:48 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his manhood in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

2007-12-13 09:01:17 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

what did the dog say to the other dog.........



woof

2007-12-13 09:01:00 · 16 answers · asked by JB 4

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule.
We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife
quietly said, 'That's once.'
We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again.
Once more my wife quietly said,
'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.'"

2007-12-13 08:52:31 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

I want you. I shall seek and find you. I shall take you to bed and have my way with you. I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan. I will make you beg for more untill your breathless....








I am the Flu... :) x

2007-12-13 08:29:02 · 18 answers · asked by Gene 2

Which town has the biggest population in the world ....??

Dublin : because it keeps dublin' and dublin' and doublin'

2007-12-13 08:27:42 · 22 answers · asked by JB 4

Bush and Cheney are at a restaurant for lunch. The waitress comes over and asks what they will be having.
Bush says, "I'll have a quickie."

The waitress steps back in disgust and says, "Mr. President, I thought that kind of piggish behavior went out with the last administration!"

She storms off and Dubya looks confused. Cheney shakes his head at the president and says, "George, it's pronounced QUICHE."

2007-12-13 08:17:26 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Walking down the street, a man is approached by a tramp who begs him for some money.
"Let me give you a drink" said the man.
"I don't drink," replied the tramp.

"Then let me give you a cigarette."
"No thanks, I don't smoke."

"How about this betting slip for the 2.30 at Cheltenham tomorrow?"
Again the tramp refused, saying, "I don't gamble."

Suddenly the man has an idea.
"Why don't you come back with me and I'll cook you a 3-course meal with all the trimmings?"
"Look," said the tramp. "Wouldn't be be just easier to give me the money."

"Maybe, but I want my wife to see what happens to someone who doesn't drink, smoke or gamble."

2007-12-13 08:12:51 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very, very drunk man flops onto a bus seat next to a priest. His tie is stained, his face is plastered with lipstick and a half-empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his trouser pocket. He opens his newspaper and starts reading, but after a few minutes turns to the priest and asks, "Hey Father, do you have any idea what cause arthritis?"

"Yes," the priest replies sternly, "it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, drinking too much alcohol and having complete contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk mutters, and returns to his paper.

The bus carries on its way, and a few minutes later the priest, feeling guilty about what he has just said, nudges the man and apologises to him.

"I'm very sorry," says the holy man. "I didn't mean to come on so strong. It was mean-spirited and inconsiderate of me. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?"

"I haven't," says the drunk. "I was just reading here that the Pope has."

2007-12-13 08:10:25 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-13 08:08:16 · 9 answers · asked by Oblivion 2

The five questions are:

1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"


What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.

For example:

1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things: a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died

2007-12-13 08:04:23 · 9 answers · asked by Queen Latifah 4

This test was developed as an age test by R and D Department of Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake, The average person over 40 can not do it.

1. this is this cat.
2 . this is is cat.
3 this is how cat.
4 this is to cat
5 this is keep cat
6 this is an cat.
7 this is old cat.
8 this is fart cat.
9 this is busy cat
10 this is for cat
11 this is forty cat.
12 this is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down,


Gotcha didn't i....

2007-12-13 08:03:03 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

My friend who is
black said to me this morning.
when i was born i was black.
when i burn, i'm black
when i grow up i'm black
when i go in the sun i'm black
when i am cold i'm black
when i'm scared i'm black
when i'm sick i'm black
and when i die i'm black.

and you white Lady
when you are born you are pink
when you grow up you are white
when you go in the sun you are red
when you are cold you are blue
when you are scared you are yellow
when you are sick you are green
and when you die you are grey.


and ya know what you call me coloured

2007-12-13 07:58:39 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Anthony’s Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Bell’s Theorem:
As soon as the body is immersed fully in the bathtub, the telephone will ring.

Breda’s Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Cannon’s Karmic Law:
If you use the excuse that you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will actually have a flat tire.

Kovac’s Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

Lorenz’s Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

O’brien’s Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Owen’s Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Rubys Principle of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are in a situation where you do not want to be seen by anybody.

Willoughby’s Law:
When you try to prove to the repairman that a machine doesn’t work, it will.

Wooly’s law:
When you are working late, the boss will never be around. When you are surfing the net the boss will always drop by.

Zadra’s Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reachability of the area

2007-12-13 07:41:41 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''
Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''




A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ''Can I help you?''

''Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines.''

What did the blonde call her pet zebra?

Spot.

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.

Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."




Three men, an Scot, an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The Scot jumped off and shouted ''God save Scotland!''
The English man jumped off and shouted ''God Save England!''
The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted ''God save the person who I land on!''

2007-12-13 07:27:36 · 13 answers · asked by Silent Anger 3

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew. "

2007-12-13 07:26:48 · 11 answers · asked by Toothepaste Kisses-* 3

If you've noticed in the little mermaid and sponge bob square pants they have fire under water, so If you set a house on fire with their type of fire how would you get it out?

Just something my friend noticed so i was like hmm intersting..So what do u ppl think?

2007-12-13 07:23:40 · 4 answers · asked by The Book Smart Game Freak 3

2007-12-13 07:06:14 · 7 answers · asked by liz 2

PLEASE FORWARD THIS WARNING:


Do not open any message with an attached file called 'Merry Christmas'
regardless of who sent it, It is a virus that opens as an Open Log Fire
and will burn the whole hard disc in your computer.




This virus will be received from someone who has your e-mail address
in his/her contact list, that is why you should send this e-mail to all
your contacts. It is better to receive this message 25 times than to
receive the virus and open it.


If you receive a mail called 'Merry Christmas', though sent by a friend, do
not open it and shut down your computer immediately. This is the worst
virus announced, it has been classified by Microsoft as the most
destructive virus ever.


This virus was discovered by McAfee yesterday, and there is no repair
yet for this kind of virus. This virus simply destroys the Zero Sector
of the Hard Disc, where the vital information is kept

2007-12-13 07:03:56 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after
a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother
decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had
been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist
painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"

Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What
makes you say God did this with his left hand?".

"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that
Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

2007-12-13 05:45:28 · 7 answers · asked by Sparky 5

If it makes me laugh for 20 minutes I will chose that person as best answer X D
(I laugh at almost anything)

2007-12-13 05:36:51 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.

He come house.

I watch.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree-look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she.

She strip he.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me.

fall out of tree, not see.

......NO FEE

2007-12-13 05:34:28 · 18 answers · asked by Sparky 5

Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible.

Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
Coca-Cola would be green if colouring weren’t added to it.

On average a hedgehog's heart beats 300 times a minute.

More people are killed each year from bees than from snakes.

The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words.

More people are allergic to cow's milk than any other food.

Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.

The placement of a donkey's eyes in its' heads enables it to see all four feet at all times!

The six official languages of the United Nations are: English, French, Arabic, Chinese, Russian and Spanish.

Earth is the only planet not named after a god.

It's against the law to burp, or sneeze in a church in Nebraska, USA.

You're born with 300 bones, but by the time you become an adult, you only have 206.

Some worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food!

Dolphins sleep with one eye open!

It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open

The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old!

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds

Queen Elizabeth I regarded herself as a paragon of cleanliness. She declared that she bathed once every three months, whether she needed it or not

Slugs have 4 noses.

Owls are the only birds who can see the colour blue.

A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years!

A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!

The average person laughs 10 times a day!

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain

2007-12-13 05:26:43 · 8 answers · asked by Sparky 5

The word "queue" is the only word in the English language that is still pronounced the same way when the last four letters are removed.
Beetles taste like apples, wasps like pine nuts, and worms like fried bacon.

Of all the words in the English language, the word 'set' has the most definitions!

What is called a "French kiss" in the English speaking world is known as an "English kiss" in France.

"Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.

"Rhythm" is the longest English word without a vowel.

In 1386, a pig in France was executed by public hanging for the murder of a child

A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off!

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath

There is a city called Rome on every continent.

It's against the law to have a pet dog in Iceland!

Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day!

Horatio Nelson, one of England's most illustrious admirals was throughout his life, never able to find a cure for his sea-sickness.

The skeleton of Jeremy Bentham is present at all important meetings of the University of London

Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people

Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, everytime you breathe!

The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump!

One quarter of the bones in your body, are in your feet!

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different!

The first known transfusion of blood was performed as early as 1667, when Jean-Baptiste, transfused two pints of blood from a sheep to a young man

Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails!

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin!

The present population of 5 billion plus people of the world is predicted to become 15 billion by 2080.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian, and had only ONE testicle.

2007-12-13 05:25:45 · 9 answers · asked by Sparky 5

Unfairness At Work
When I take a long time... I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time... he is thorough.

When I don't do it... I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it... he is too busy.

When I do something without being told... I am over-stepping my boundaries.
When my boss does the same thing... that is initiative.

When I take a stand... I am stubborn.
When my boss does it... he is being firm.

When I overlook a rule of etiquette... I am rude.
When my boss slips a few rules... he is being original.

When I please my boss... I am apple polishing.
When my boss pleases his boss... he is co-operating.

When I get ahead... I am lucky.
When my boss gets ahead... that's hard work.

2007-12-13 05:16:32 · 7 answers · asked by Jake5282 3

is trying to get out the passenger’s side of the car. I see the Martin-Thing, The head is extremely like a geckos head but with two large antennas on the top of it’s skull, the neck had two gills, what would look like a cape dracula would wear, but it is the same color as the Martin-Things skin, the back is covered in hundreds of slimy scales, the fetid smell is coming from it’s back, and the legs are long and they look like crabs legs, since they are position so far away from the back. Quickly, I run the car, almost tripping over my shoe laces, to open the driver’s side door, and notice...The door is locked, that meant , the only way to get into the car is on the passenger’s side! So, I run around the car, and open the door, the Martin-Thing jumps towards me, and remembering what Shawn told me,“if a creature, ever attacks you, you should throw water on it” So, I grab the water bottle, and before I could grab the water bottle, The Martin-Thing knocks me down, and Shawn flew in

2007-12-13 04:52:16 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-13 04:39:56 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns,unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or femine.One puzzled student asked,'What gender is computer'?' The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.So for fun she split the class into two groups, appropriately enough,by gender and asked them to decide whether 'computer' should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender because:
No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to every one else.
Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrireview.
As soon as you make a commitment to one,you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
The womens group, however concluded that computers should be masculine, because:
In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
They have a lot of data but they are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve problems,but half of the time they are the problem.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

2007-12-13 04:29:13 · 26 answers · asked by Nasren7585 5