Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

In a surprise move England cricket selectors have called up Bob Geldof's estranged wife Paula Yates.

Coach David Lloyd explains: "Her experience in f.ucking Australians and bringing home the ashes should prove invaluable."

2007-12-13 17:11:41 · 8 answers · asked by jockman432004 4

Hope you like this little story. I thought you might enjoy it.


It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the creche when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. He hurried outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant Jesus.



So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get your passenger, my fine friend?"



The little boy replied, "I got Him at church."



"And why did you take Him?"



The boy explained, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told Him if He would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give Him a ride around the block in it ."

2007-12-13 17:02:00 · 16 answers · asked by Sparkles 7

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"

Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?

2007-12-13 16:18:31 · 11 answers · asked by rhay ♥ 7

“dead hilarious” level.

2007-12-13 15:56:25 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-13 15:03:42 · 7 answers · asked by Bryan D 1

2007-12-13 14:59:37 · 19 answers · asked by Riaz Shaikh 1

WIFE: Dear, what would be your present on our 25th wedding anniversary?
HUSBAND : i will bring you to Africa, hon
WIFE : wow!!! how sweet of you dear... but what about on our 50th anniversary?
HUSBAND : i will be back for you! (in Africa)
toink!

2007-12-13 14:41:07 · 9 answers · asked by Angelique 4

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 100?

Because everytime she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

2007-12-13 14:36:25 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

2007-12-13 14:34:05 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1971. Why?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

2007-12-13 14:30:16 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. Says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5.000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss we are very happy to have your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

2007-12-13 14:28:15 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-13 13:42:42 · 20 answers · asked by michael 1

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that! ]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far !]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and -sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
In Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

2007-12-13 13:25:55 · 10 answers · asked by PloPop 2

A group of carolers were singing carols as they went door to door for non-perishable food items for the annual Christmas Food Drive. They had just started singing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" when they arrived at a house and rang the doorbell. A blonde answered the door.

The carolers completed the first verse, and were singing the lines "Now bring us some figgy pudding/Now bring us some figgy pudding/Now bring us some figgy pudding/Now bring us some here/We won't go until we get some/We won't go until we get some/We won't go until we get some/Til we get some good cheer."

The blonde grinned and said, "All right, hold on. Just give me a few minutes." She began to search the house.

Around five minutes later, she returned with every unopened pudding pack and pudding cup single she had in the house. "I'm sorry, I don't have any figgy pudding," she told the carolers. "Would you like chocolate, banana or butterscotch instead?"

2007-12-13 13:21:43 · 9 answers · asked by Sharon Newman (YR) Must Die 7

Little Bugger owes me Money!


He's just a Face in the Crowd isn't he?

Kurt

2007-12-13 12:48:58 · 10 answers · asked by Bolles Harbor Alive-New 360 pg 3

two guys were best friends, one of them was blind and the other one had an artificial leg.
They were walking though the city, and the one with the artificial leg got mad and said: " you are walking much too fast for me, let's make a deal. Let me sit on your shoulders, because then I have not such an hard time to walk."
The blind guy said: " Ok, but then you have to tell me what you see, so one hand washes the other."
Great idea, so the blind guy let's his friend sit on his shoulder and they started to walk through the city.
The guy on the top said :" On my left I see a big house, on my left I see a lot of trees, there are children playing, now I see a nice black mercedes, now I see a little dog....."
All of a sudden, the blind guy said :" and look there is a beautiful, sexy girl !"
His friend was astonished and asked :" But how could you see that, you are blind?"
His friend said :" Oh, I didn't see it, I felt it on my neck..."

2007-12-13 12:32:01 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Chuck Norris

2007-12-13 12:11:09 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked.
On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."

2007-12-13 12:02:32 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

High school stories preferably.

2007-12-13 11:35:36 · 5 answers · asked by Peterbattahoggabatta 5

1.)A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”


2.)A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies:“Yeah, well we were married 35yr

2007-12-13 11:07:09 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

a Straight Santa comes and fills your stockings, when the Gay Santa comes and tries them on......teeheehee

2007-12-13 10:59:21 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Rate this joke on 1 to 10. 1 being the worst, 10 being best.

Ok so there are these three nuns who dont wanna be nuns anymore, so they go to the mother nun and say "we dont want to be nuns anymore. how can we do that?" so the mother nun replies, "well, in order to stop being a nun, you need to commit a really bad sin and come back tomorrow and tell me about it" So it's the next day, and the mother nun say, to the first nun, "So what sin have you commited?" and the nun replies, "I stole a kid's bike." The mother nun says, "Ok that's a sin. Go drink from the holy water and you will no longer be a nun" So she did so. The mother nun said to the second nun, "What sin have you committed?" and the nun replies "I had sex with a married man." The mother nun says "Wow that's a good sin. Now go drink from the holy water." Now the mother nun goes to the third nun and asks "What sin have you committed?" and the third nun says "I pissed in the holy water"

2007-12-13 10:55:19 · 63 answers · asked by personxyz 3

,36inch DD brearsts, covered in warm belgium chocoolate...1 inch erect nipp'les pierced with gold nip'ple rings topped with whipped cream .......Clean shaven minge framed by a open crotched leather thong .....Mosit saity c'lit smothered in blackberry jam........This is not ordinary porn........this is M&S porn!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-12-13 10:52:02 · 9 answers · asked by suzywong 4

Once there lived a man who had a passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they had a lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on." So making the supreme sacrifice, he gave up baked beans. They were married shortly thereafter.

Months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and he had to walk home. On the way home, he went into a small cafe and called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. After making the call, he smelled baked beans in the cafe. They were the best beans he had ever smelled! He could not resist and had three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home he had gas.

His wife seemed excited and somewhat agitated to see him, exclaiming,"darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the dining room table. He seated himself. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned. Seizing the opportunity of her absence, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and fanned the air about him.

Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on. So he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a prize winner. He figured that he must be done. But then he made a third fart. This one made the flowers at the table wilt! Yet somehow his wife didn't hear him.

While keeping his ear on the phone conversation in the hall, he again fanned vigorously until he heard the phone farewells, indicating the end of his freedom. He was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked. He assured her that he had not.

At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise -- Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!

2007-12-13 10:43:50 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong" asks the mother. "I was taking pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

2007-12-13 10:40:52 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"

2007-12-13 10:37:52 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

a smart blonde, a brunette and an alien jump off a bulding.

who lands first?
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i will answer this question after 10 answers are posted here! good luck

2007-12-13 10:03:05 · 29 answers · asked by <3 3

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand. "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"

2007-12-13 09:49:58 · 10 answers · asked by Sincerely Yours 3

Since Gillian Gibbons got sentanced to 15 days
for naming a teddy bear Mohammed,
Sooty has cancelled his holiday to Jamacia.

John Darwin walked into a police station after being
missing presumed dead for 5 years.
He said that's the last time i go on holiday
with the fcuking McCanns.

2007-12-13 09:47:22 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

~None of this is mine, I found it on a website and thought it was cute. Read:~

Please show the I.D.
The following supposedly a true story.

This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

2007-12-13 09:26:00 · 11 answers · asked by Min 3