Tell me the funniest joke ever,?

Question

“dead hilarious” level.

Answer 1

Maria's Wedding Night
------------------------------

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was
still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house,
she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria.
Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and
exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says
the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take
good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off
his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her
mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go
upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When
she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was
missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama,
Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for
Mama."

Answer 2

1)A man checked into a hotel in Australia. There was a computer in his
room,so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally
typed the wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent
the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting
messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed
into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen
which read:

To : My Loving Wife
Subject : I've Arrived
Date: May 27 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now,
and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived
and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is
as uneventful as mine was.

P.s It is damn hot down here !!

2)A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.

Answer 3

This?

An Irish man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks? "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman . "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman , so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."

"So, when do I start?"

or this?

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, I'm Jesus Christ."

So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, "No, son, I'm Jesus Christ."

The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." and walks back into the bar with the priests.

The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

Answer 4

A group of blondes were willing to prove that not all blondes were dumb. They established a judges panel of people to ask the questions.

On the day of the judging the people started off by asking, "What is 59 + 2?"

The first blonde contestant responded by saying, "57?"

The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"

Then they asked, "What is 15 - 5?"

The blonde responded, "20, right?"

Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"

The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, "What is 1 + 2?"

"3?" said the blonde.

The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"

I'll add a second classic blonde joke just for the heck of it: A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

Answer 5

Well, snarled the tough old navy chief to the bewildered seaman, " I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave." "Not me, Chief ! " the seaman replied. " Once I get out of the Navy , I'm never going to stand in line again !"

Answer 6

Steven Wright said he went to a 24-hour store but, as he got there, the owner was just locking up. "Hey, I thought you were open 24 hours." "WELL, NOT CONSECUTIVELY."

Answer 7

Man at an Art Gallery: "I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art?"
Art dealer: "I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!"

Answer 8

She (angry and feeling betrayed): You mean after all these years of sex in the dark, you've been poking me with this?!

He: (angry and confused): Never mind the stupid toy; you explain to me how we got our two kids!

Answer 9

Har har har!

Some of the jokes above aint funny!

Only "some."

LOL

Answer 10

your mammas so fat, she asked for a water bed, so they laid a blanket over the pacific ocean.





clever i know...