Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

I am having becoming increasingly fixated with A Christmas Story, I went to a tractor dance competition with Farmer Crabtree, got into a bit of a scuffle with Granny and Mr. Greenjeans, worried a Squirrel over my sanity and answered a harem question in Lebanon.
Are these symptoms of pregnancy? As a mother of 2, I think I need to know...

2007-12-15 05:25:16 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two cows,Dolly and Daisy, are standing in a field. Dolly, who has a reputation for pulling the udder one, say " I was artificially inseminated this morning ! " Daisy replies " I don't believe you " " It's true " counters Dolly, "straight up, no bull ! "
;D

2007-12-15 04:49:51 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a blonde calls her bff (a brunette) and sais "Im so happy! you know why"? the Brunnette sais "Why?" Then the blonde sais it only took me 3 months to do my jigsaw puzzle!" then the brunette sais "How is that a good thing?" then the blonde sais "The box said 4-12 years!"








Im not offending any blondes cuz im one!

2007-12-15 04:42:39 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

To find out which is the best law enforcement agency in the USA, the president sets a test for the CIA,the FBI and the LAPD. He releases a rabbit in a forest and challenges them to find it.

The CIA goes in first and,after months of interviewing forest dwellers and conducting forensic tests,they deduce that the rabbit never existed.

The FBI go in next and burn down half the forest claiming the rabbit had provoked them.

The LAPD go in last and after half an hour drag out a badly beaten bear yelling "okay,okay! I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

2007-12-15 03:23:54 · 13 answers · asked by First Ascent 4 Thistle 7

2007-12-15 03:07:51 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

im not racist, its just to share with my peruvian friend, he wont get offended trust me.

2007-12-15 02:58:40 · 2 answers · asked by Mr. Q 2

Just write the answers down and you can win 10 points

What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries?

What goes up and down the stairs without moving?

What can you catch but not throw?

At a family reunion were the following people: one grandfather, one grandmother, two fathers, two mothers, four children, three grandchildren, one brother, two sisters, two sons, two daughters, one father-in-law, one mother-in-law, and one daughter-in-law. But not as many people attended as it sounds. How many were there, and who were they?

2007-12-15 02:32:47 · 20 answers · asked by blue*dude 2

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend`s clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We`ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don`t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we`re gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE`RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It`s possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don`t have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we`re dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don`t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we`re aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won`t think we`re weird if we ask whether there`s spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We`ll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

2007-12-15 02:02:20 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine..."

2007-12-15 01:44:23 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother.

2. He liked Gospel.

3. He couldn't get a fair trial.



But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.

2. He lived at home until he was 33.

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.



But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands.

2. He had wine with His meals.

3. He used olive oil.



But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair.

2. He walked around barefoot all the time.

3. He started a new religion.



But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature.

2. He ate a lot of fish.

3. He talked about the Great Spirit.



But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories

3. He loved green pastures.



But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a Woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.

AMEN!

2007-12-15 01:31:07 · 11 answers · asked by smithtracey72 2

That Johnny is quite the little cut up!

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents
to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their
stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked.

"Yes ma'am," Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt
Nancy.
She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
"She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small
flask
of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then
her
parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of
them
with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife
till
the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare
hands."

"Good heavens," cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did
your
daddy give you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking."

2007-12-15 01:30:59 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

2007-12-15 01:24:49 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can you solve the riddle?
There is a bus with 7 Girls
Each girl carries 7 bags
Inside each bag there is 7 cats
Every cat has 7 kittens
All cats have 4 legs each
Question: How many legs are in the bus?


I dont know the answer okay? So all these people who say oh its old blah blah and dont bloody answer, you are the fools, if u know the answer post it and post why it is the answer.

2007-12-14 23:37:44 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-14 23:08:09 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is a story about 4 people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it.

Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!!

2007-12-14 23:06:48 · 19 answers · asked by kelly 3

i was veiwing a person's question who made up this game. it ended so i decided to bring it up again.

i ask a question say

'tv or ipod?'

then the next person PICKS one of those as an asnwer the starts up a new question like this:

'ipod. computer or laptop?'

then it goes on and on. ill do a few more examples.

laptop ---- burger or hotdog?

hotdog ---- 4th of july or christmas

christmas ---- santa or tooth fairy

santa ---- ..... and so on

get it?

now ill begin

xbox 360 or ps3?

2007-12-14 23:06:15 · 14 answers · asked by <3 3

1. Operator! Give me the number for 911!

2. Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

3. Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

4. Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

5. I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

6. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

7. Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

8. Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'

9. Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

10. Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

2007-12-14 22:51:42 · 13 answers · asked by ? 3

paddy was looking for someone to make an
advertising board so he rang his mate mick
to see if he could make one
mick said it would cost £100,000 pounds
ok it better be good for that price murphy said
so mick made one and stuck it on the motorway
with jesus nailed to it with a slogan below
stating ..USE MURPHYS NAILS
murphy was driving along the motorway the following week
and could not believe his eyes WHAT THE F/[[@K
so he rang his mate mick and told him to take jesus down
as it was bad for buisness
mick said it would cost another £50,000
go for it murphy said
the following week murphy is driving along the same
motorway he saw his sign in the distance but no jesus
on it but as he got closer he saw jesus in a heap at the
bottom of the sign saying NOW LOOK WHAT YOU GET IF
YOU DONT USE MURPHYS NAILS

2007-12-14 22:31:25 · 13 answers · asked by lanyon 3

There was this girl about 18 years old. She loved cookies. Her parents were going away on a trip.

“Dont let anyone in while were gone!” the parents said.

“Okay!” the girl said.

When they left, she heard the doorbell. She answered it. “Who is it?” she asked. It was a man. “I cant let you in!” she said.

“Ill give you 10 cookies!” he said.

“Okay!” she said.

She let him in. He said, “Can you show me to your room?” and she said, “No!”. The man bribed, “Ill give you 100 cookies!” “Okay!” she exclaimed.

When they were in the room, the man said, “Can you lay down on your bed?” and the girl said, “No!” The man bribed once more, “Ill give you 1000 cookies!” and the girl answered, “Okay!”

Once on the bed, the man asked, “Can I put my finger into your bellybutton?” and the girl said, “No!” and the man said, “Ill give you 10000 cookies!” and the girl said, “Yay! Okay!”

The girl said, “Uhh, thats not my bellybutton.”
The guy answered, “And thats not my finger

2007-12-14 22:23:38 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but “Nescafe.” Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: “Good till the last drop.” Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: “Benson & Hedges.” Mom now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: “Extra Long. King Size.” She was again slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: “British Airways.” Mom took out her latest Harper’s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: “Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.” Mom fainted.

2007-12-14 22:20:51 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

These came into by inbox swearing they were true examples of what conductors on the London Tube told passengers. Maybe they are, but it hardly matters: they're fun either way.

- - -

Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.
Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.
Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.
We are now traveling through Baker Street. As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that.
Beggars are operating on this train. Please do not encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.
Let the passengers off the train first! (Pause). Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I'm going home.
Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with Please hold the doors open. The two are distinct and separate instructions.
Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.
We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.
To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage: what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?
Please move all baggage away from the doors. (Pause) Please move all belongings away from the doors. (Pause) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your **** sideways!
May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.

2007-12-14 22:16:22 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand:

This virus has been dubbed by experts in the field the "Worm Overload Recreational Killer (WORK)" virus. It is highly contagious and spreading rampantly. Be on your guard!

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means, do not touch it! The consequences are severe: this virus can wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest retail outlet for either of the two known antidotes:

Work-Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).
Take either or both antidotes repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Warning: Severe cases can only be cleared out with Liquid Intensely Quenching Ultimate Obliteration Remedy (LIQUOR), which has multiple side effects.

Your best remedy, as always, is avoidance. Approach possible WORK infestations with great care.

2007-12-14 22:14:21 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?".
Granny: "Fcuk the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen!"

2007-12-14 22:11:06 · 2 answers · asked by WISKERS 2

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

and finally...

In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."

By the way, these are all true!

2007-12-14 22:08:32 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father yells to his son, "Hurry boy - go get your mother!"

2007-12-14 22:07:26 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," Little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," he answered. Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?" Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"
----------

2007-12-14 21:47:13 · 7 answers · asked by pearly 2

Why did it take so long for someone to solve Fermat's thing...he didn't even use a computer is what I heard..is it that hard? Weren't there attempts made to crack it with a Cray..?

2007-12-14 21:30:19 · 2 answers · asked by c0cky 5

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror,
the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you. I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - £400
New shirt - £36
New underwear - £6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS!

2007-12-14 21:03:41 · 17 answers · asked by tastybits 7

Psychopath test

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right.


A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.


Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?
[Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below]












































Answer:

She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.

Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.

If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my email list... :)

2007-12-14 21:01:04 · 28 answers · asked by tastybits 7

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.

The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.

Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

2007-12-14 21:00:35 · 7 answers · asked by Jake5282 3