Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

A group of kindergartners were
trying very hard to become accustomed
to the first grade. The biggest hurdle
they faced was that the teacher
insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use
'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he
had done over the weekend!
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went
to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell
what he had done.
I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a
ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use
'Big People' words."
She then
asked little Alex what he had done!
"I read a book," he
replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you
read?"
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with
great
pride and said, "Winnie the
S H * T."

2007-12-16 10:59:30 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

SMART *** ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART *** ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART *** ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART *** ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding roll ed down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART *** ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks t o the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART *** ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007

A college professor reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the professor smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

2007-12-16 10:42:38 · 15 answers · asked by KellyG 3

An old man, Mr. Peterson, was living the last of his
life in a Nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and
depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse
Tracy," said Mr. Peterson, "My Private Part died today, and I am very
sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she
replied,"Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Peterson, please accept my condolences.


The following day, Mr Peterson was walking down the
hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met
Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Peterson," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down
the hall like that..


Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas." But, Nurse
Tracy," replied Mr. Peterson, " I told you
yesterday that my Private Part died." "Yes, you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

"Well," Mr. Peterson replied, "Today's the viewing."

2007-12-16 10:25:44 · 14 answers · asked by KellyG 3

put the name of the song your listening to then 'in my pants' haha :P ..now youre gone in my pants!

2007-12-16 10:06:06 · 44 answers · asked by Yorkshire Gurlie ♥ 3

Its not meant to be an insult (those in government)..so i hope its not taken as one.

A man goes to the post office looking for a job. The interviewer asks him: do you have any experience. The man replies no. The next question is whether he served in the army / is a veteran to which he says Yes and tells that he fought in Vietnam. The interviewer asks him if he got injured..he looks up and says a bomb blew up my ball*. He is informed that he got the job. The job begins at 8 and he should come at 10. He is perplexed and asks : if the job begins at 8, why do i come at 10. The reply he gets is: dont you know this is a government job, we come here and do nothing for the first 2 hours but scratch our ball*

2007-12-16 09:34:35 · 6 answers · asked by freeboyonearth 2

At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
When you said you had 10 inches,
Lord I almost died,
But I'd spent oh so many years just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong, And I knew that I could take you on. . .

But there you are,
Another lie,
I was ready for a big mac and you've bought me a French fry, I
should have known that it was bullsh*t, Just a sad pathetic
dream, Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in those
jeans.

Go on now go,
Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with only 4, Weren't
you a prat to think that I wouldn't catch you out, Don't you
know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count.

(Chorus)

I will survive, I will survive,
Cos as long as I have batteries,
My sex life is gonna thrive,
I will always have good sex, with a handful of latex,
I will survive, I will survive. . .hey . hey

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud, But to
hell with all your ego's and to hell with all your needs, Now
I'm saving all my lovin for a cordless multispeed,

Go on now go,
Just hit the track,
Don't you bring me home no tiddlers,
Cos I'll always throw them back,
The only thing that I could do with a prick as small as yours,
Is to stick it with a tooth pick and dip it in tomato sauce.

Go on now Go!

2007-12-16 09:02:54 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.

"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!!"

2007-12-16 08:50:29 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey, Daddy! What are you doin'?"

His father replied, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."

Little Johnny remarks, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage, cause the postman filled her this morning."

2007-12-16 08:41:27 · 32 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

2007-12-16 08:06:31 · 20 answers · asked by Balamory86 4

What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2007-12-16 08:04:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walking along a street at night came across a blonde lady, on her hands and knees under a street lamp, clearly searching the ground for something.
He asks, "Have you lost something?"
"Yes" she replies, "I've dropped a false nail and I'm looking for it."
"Where abouts did you drop it?" he asks.
"Down there at the bottom of the street."
"Then why are you looking here?" he enquires with a puzzled tone.
She looked up and replied "Because the light's better here."

2007-12-16 08:01:40 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist.

At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.''

His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

2007-12-16 07:21:27 · 15 answers · asked by ? 6

3 mice are sitting in a bar drinking they start arguing over who is the hardest the first says " i set off a mouse trap the other day , i caught the bar, bench pressed with it for a bit then took the cheese " the second says " they put poison out for me the other day, i just took it home and put it on a pizza" the third says "thats very impressive boys , i can't compete with eather of you " he then gets up finishes his drink and heads for the door , one of the others shouts after him " where are you off to
" I'm going back to f@%k the cat again"

2007-12-16 07:19:57 · 10 answers · asked by I hate little green pigs 3

2007-12-16 07:18:56 · 8 answers · asked by ? 6

Two possible answers-: 1, If you are in a room with no windows or doors then the real riddle is how did you get there in the first place? (or how much alcohol did that take?{hahaha})
2, Break the mirror in half. What do two halves make?......... Exactly!

2007-12-16 07:18:54 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

2007-12-16 07:05:30 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you see a fat man

Who’s jolly and cute




Wearing a beard

And a red flannel suit,




And if he is chuckling

And laughing away,




While flying around

In a miniature sleigh


With eight tiny reindeer

To pull him along




Then let’s face it…





Your eggnog’s too strong!

2007-12-16 06:00:12 · 16 answers · asked by bellatrix 6

lesbian and a trisquit?
trisquit is a snack cracker

peeping tom and a pick-pocket?
pick-pocket snatches watches.

near-sighted marksman and a constipated owl?
marksman shoots and shoots and never hits.

girl in a bathtub and a girl in church?
girl in church has hope in her soul.

choris line and a magician?
magician has cunning stunts.

blonde girl with the runs and an epilectic cornfarmer?
cornfarmer shucks between fits.

2007-12-16 05:57:49 · 6 answers · asked by lawolifer 3

2007-12-16 05:31:16 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.


2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.


3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.


4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.


5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.


6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.


7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.


8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.


9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.


10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.


12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.


13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.


14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.

2007-12-16 04:41:05 · 38 answers · asked by Luck dragon 7

He laid her on the table,
so white, clean and bare,

His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
he rubbed her here and there,

He touched her neck and felt her breast,
then drooling felt her thigh,

The slit was wet and all was set
he gave a joyous cry,

the hole was wide....
He looked inside
All was dark and murky

He rubbed his hands
and stretched his arms

Then STUFFED THE CHRISTMAS TURKEY!!!!!

I wish you all (and your dirty minds) a very merry christmas

2007-12-16 03:48:32 · 23 answers · asked by willow glitter 6

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

2007-12-16 03:29:55 · 24 answers · asked by joe b 2

a little boy said "santa how come u drive a raindeer?"santa said "i cant afford gas"

if u like it plz give me a star

2007-12-16 02:53:16 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bush and Cheney are at a restaurant for lunch. The waitress comes over and asks what they will be having.
Bush says, "I'll have a quickie."

The waitress steps back in disgust and says, "Mr. President, I thought that kind of piggish behavior went out with the last administration!"

She storms off and Bush looks confused. Cheney shakes his head at the president and says, "George, it's pronounced QUICHE."

2007-12-16 02:27:29 · 15 answers · asked by ? 6

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland addressed the priest beside her. "Father, may I ask a favor of you?" "Of course. What can I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive! electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The customs officer asked, "Father, do you have any! thing to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare," the priest responded.
The officer thought this answer strange, so he asked,
"And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on
a woman, but which is, to date, unused." The officer laughed and said, go ahead,next

2007-12-16 02:18:07 · 4 answers · asked by cocosolo 1

Old woman goes into her local supermarket where a young girls is serving at the counter, and say's "Can I have 36 tins of cat food please"

The girls reply's " You must have a lot of cats"

To which the old woman says "Oh no,there for my husbands sandwiches, I use the cat food as a paste for the bread"

The girls reply's " That will kill him madam!"

"Oh no, its okay I read it in a book" Said the old woman.

So off she goes with her cat food only to return one week later, where the same young girl was serving again.

The girl asks "How may tins of cat food today"

"None, my husbands dead" said the old woman.

The girl is stunned and say's "I told you that you would kill him feeding him that stuff"

The old lady said " He did not die from that"

"What was the cause of death then" asked the girl

And the old lady replied "Oh, he broke his neck when trying to lick his backside"

2007-12-16 02:05:38 · 24 answers · asked by Nessie from Loch Ness 6

95 year old man is given a jar to provide a sperm sample for analysis at hospital.

He turns up two days later with empty jar.

Nurse asks why no sample?

He says sorry but i tried with my right hand,then with my left!

Then my wife tried with both hands! Then with her mouth,first with her teeth in, then with them out.

Then we got Ethel from next door to try! but it was no good we just couldn't get the lid off the jar!!!

2007-12-16 02:02:19 · 16 answers · asked by Nessie from Loch Ness 6

A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

2007-12-16 01:51:35 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Next week I have 14 friends coming to my house for a party. I want to do a game of Mr & Mrs anyone know a good, funny question to include? Nothing rude or embarrassing, just something to get everyone laughing

2007-12-16 01:38:34 · 3 answers · asked by freethinker 4

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any animal’s skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole.

This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot with a .22 rifle."

He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car.

He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion." Fingering the bullet hole, he added, "The rifle was a .308."

He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn’t get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?"

His wife replied angrily, "From me!"

"What did I do?" he asked.

She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, 'Skunk, killed with an ax!'"

2007-12-16 00:13:02 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous