Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.



Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."



"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."



A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."


A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?
"No, because he's really heavy"

2007-12-17 09:27:31 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. He turns up late
2. Drinks your booze
3. Emptys his sack
4. Only comes once
5. And f**** off before you wake up!!!

2007-12-17 09:25:43 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Woman in a bar walks up to the bartender and puts her fingers in her mouth.... after he kisses and licks each finger she says 2 him " tell your manager theres no toilet paper"

2007-12-17 09:22:57 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

why is six afraid of seven... 'cause seven ate nine i really laughed my panties off when i heard it :))) what's yours?

2007-12-17 09:22:27 · 5 answers · asked by bammy 2

fell from the sky all the sudden? Would his name be Bob?

2007-12-17 09:13:28 · 24 answers · asked by The Girl In Black [panic!] 5

ok my freind heard this and didnt get it till like an hour later.she told me the riddle type thing and i got it in like 2 seconds. lol.see if u can.

"if your parents didn't have kids, you won't either"

2007-12-17 09:05:55 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

what came first the chicken or the egg and why do you think so.

2007-12-17 09:05:26 · 65 answers · asked by Tyler M 1

Cat People

See these eyes so green
I can stare for a thousand years
Colder than the moon
It's been so long
And I've been putting out fire
With gasoline

Feel my blood enraged
It's just the fear of losing you
Don't you know my name
Well, you been so long

See these eyes so red
Red like jungle burning bright
Those who feel me near
Pull the blinds and change their minds
It's been so long

Still this pulsing night
A plague I call a heartbeat
Just be still with me
Ya wouldn't believe what I've been thru
You've been so long
Well it's been so long
And I've been putting out fire
with gasoline
putting out fire
with gasoline

See these tears so blue
An ageless heart
that can never mend
These tears can never dry
A judgement made
can never bend
See these eyes so green
I can stare for a thousand years
Just be still with me

Does it seem obsessive? Done something wrong?
the green eyes wonders if its the writers eyes or the person been written about?

2007-12-17 08:59:44 · 3 answers · asked by Me 1

WELL NEITHER DID I!

2007-12-17 08:56:13 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is coming home from work one day when he meets another man standing by a coffee shop. All of a sudden, the man shoves a donut in his mouth, then walks back home. The first guy is wondering why this happened.

He walks a little more down the road, sees the same guy, and stops to ask him why he did it. The guy takes a few minutes, and then replies, "I don't know!"

Eventually, the first guy walks into Starbucks and buys himself a donut. Apparently, no one was working there, because he just walked in and took it, and left money on the counter. I guess he must have had suspenders on or something, because someone said "hey, you have suspenders on." so the guy kept walking down the street and again met the same guy. "What the heck happened" I thought you needed a donut so I bought you one replies the guy.

He walks down the street some more and sees his wife at home. She is cooking dinner for the kids. Yeah i think she was making hamburgers or something, but that doesn't matter.

2007-12-17 08:53:31 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

DId you have BREAKFAST in BED today?

2007-12-17 08:32:34 · 12 answers · asked by tim b 5

...with your family what dares would you do

2007-12-17 08:29:48 · 9 answers · asked by What is Up 2

1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.

2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.

3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.

4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.

5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.

6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.

8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.

9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.

10) The entire British population lives in London.

11) It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.

12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.

13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

2007-12-17 08:17:28 · 17 answers · asked by **mum to a little miracle** 4

They were then kidnapped by tiki islanders who were going to kill them. The 3 men begged for their lives and finally the tiki decided to make a deal. The tiki leader said that he was going to give them a task, and if they can complete it he will let them go. The task was to go into the forest and find some fruit. So the 3 men set off.

The first guy came back with nice big juicy apples. The tiki leader said he had to stick 20 of these up his a** and he wasn't allowed to make any facial expression or noise. So he started 1...2...3...4... by 7 he couldn't put anymore in so the tiki killed him.

The second guy came with fresh small berries. The tiki told him to put 20 fruit up his a** without making any expression. So he started 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...15, 16, 17 and he burst out laughing. The tiki killed him.

Up in heaven the first guy asks the second guy "Aw man, you were so close! Why the hell did you laugh!?"

The second guy replied "Cos I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

2007-12-17 08:11:55 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

hey i wrote this quick but plz tell me if its good lol. I won't be angry if yu hate it!There is this donut and a cop walks up and says "mmmm, i am going to eat this donut" and the donut replies "please sir I am but a meir donut that will not fill you up but if you go to the shop down this little street you will find the baker who made me go in and buy some donuts" the cop scracthes his chin and says ' I will take you up on this offer my fair donut but if you are lying to me I will be back' "I assure you my leader of the law I don't tell lies" and the cop walks away. And the donut is picked up from a boy who was sitting there talking for the donut and walks the other way. Hey people tell me if you think this was funny... 1-10 plz! pretty_girl949

2007-12-17 08:06:40 · 10 answers · asked by pretty_girl949 3

He says Doctor I've got a mince pie stuck up my a*se!
Doctor has a look and says,"no problem, I'll give you some cream for it!"

2007-12-17 07:55:56 · 13 answers · asked by pure_dragonfire 4

that they were going to start using cuss words. They got up the next morning. Little Johnny told his brother to use the word "d*mn" and he would use the word "a*s". They went down to breakfast and sat at the table. Their mom asked them what they wanted for breakfast. Little Johnny's brother said, "I want some d*mn cheerios." His mother looked at him and said, "What did you say?" Little Johnny's brother said, "I want some d*mn Cheerios." Mom yanked her youngest up and took him to the other room and gave him the whipping of his life. They came back in the kitchen, little brother's eyes red from crying. Mom looked at Little Johnny and asked, "Now, what do you want for breakfast?" Little Johnny looked at her and said "you can bet your a*s I don't want Cheerios!"

2007-12-17 07:43:37 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.

He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"

Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"

"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary..."

2007-12-17 07:43:17 · 22 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel, '

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129

It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: ' Sure , why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients.' !

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the! tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


THIS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

2007-12-17 07:41:09 · 25 answers · asked by Bio Hazard 4

Roll, Roll, Roll your Jo!nt
Twisted at the end,
Lighted up and take a Puff
And pass it to a Friend!

2007-12-17 07:37:22 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mary had a little Pig
she couldn't stop it grunting
she took it down the garden path
And kicked its little Cu*t in

2007-12-17 07:30:18 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

2007-12-17 07:15:05 · 19 answers · asked by .... 6

Once I saw a Groom on Horse Back and asked him you Know why they Provide you with a Horse He replied it is a Custom etc etc.............. I told no it is your Last Chance to Run

2007-12-17 07:01:16 · 14 answers · asked by Deepak 3

Do YOU ever get the SHIVERS when you Get REALLY HOT?

2007-12-17 05:29:55 · 11 answers · asked by tim b 5

Ok Johnny wanted a parrot for X-mas so his mom goes to the flea market and finds one for $5.she asked the lady "why is this parrot so cheap?"..The lady replies "well this parrot comes from a prostitution house and the only words he knows is HEY WHORE..and the names of their daily customers.."Johnny's mom says ok well I'll take it we can teach him new words...When Johnny gets home he's all excited and says thanx mom..What's his name..His name is Polly..Johnny says Hi polly the parrot replies "hey whore"..his sister comes downstairs and johnny tells her look this is polly..Hi Polly.."hey whore"..Johnny's dad comes home later that night..look dad this is polly..Well hello there Polly..Polly replies "Hi Frank"....

2007-12-17 04:44:09 · 8 answers · asked by Chica 1

"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox
And there's one more-that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb,
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There's a hole inside my ear.

2007-12-17 03:12:16 · 10 answers · asked by Haitham Emad 7

... Is anybody else disappointed that they're bringing in these new self-sealing envelopes?

2007-12-17 03:03:23 · 12 answers · asked by Sitting Still 4

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:


FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.


PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.


TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated


HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.


SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.


WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.


TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.


EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.


HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.


THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

2007-12-17 02:17:04 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

2007-12-17 01:47:51 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two campers where hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them.
Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.

His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"

His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"

2007-12-17 01:43:58 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous