Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

2007-12-18 02:16:55 · 22 answers · asked by sunscour 4

Think it was in the 1st film.

2007-12-18 02:09:35 · 2 answers · asked by Andrea C 2

?? lol??
♥

2007-12-18 02:07:37 · 22 answers · asked by <3_gorgeous_blue_eyez_<3 3

steve wonder today suffered horrific burns to his face when he heard a ringing sound and answered the iron!!

2007-12-18 02:04:07 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear:
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

2007-12-18 01:38:19 · 10 answers · asked by jesse m_violated for nothing 3

There was a construction worker who was working on a building when he fell 15 stories to his bloody death.
He arrived at the pearly gates and St. Peter said "Oh, I am sorry, my son. But you have been sentenced to hell." The worker agreed -- not like he could do anything else -- and he was on his way.

When he arrived, the devil looked at him and said, "Ah! A new slave. We shall burn you and throw you in the fiery pits."

Then the worker replied, "What wall could use a bit of patching. I could fix it first and you could throw me in the pit afterward." So he fixed the wall.

Satan, intrigued, asked, "What else can you build?" So the construction worker went about his job and made many improvements; in fact, by the time he was done, hell was a paradise. It had air conditioning, pools, balconies, you name it.

Within a few days, God phoned Satan and said, "I think there has been a mix-up. That worker was originally supposed to come to heaven."

Satan replied, "No way -- he's built all sorts of useful stuff for us. We're keeping him."

God then said, "Oh, yeah? Well, I'll see you in court. We're going to sue you for this man's soul and damages."

Satan just laughed: "And where are you going to find a lawyer?"

2007-12-18 01:36:41 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

New York / Bronx

Goldman is visiting his rabbi. Goldman is 76 years old
and he is very excited...

»Rabbi. Rabbi. My wife wants to make love every night, but I am afraid to get her pregnant. What does the Talmud say about --birth control-- ? What can we do ?
My wife is too old for getting a baby. We — as You know, my master — do have 9 children already. Grown up children...«

The rabbi smiles and says :
»A big bottle of Red Wine will do... «

»Red wine... B.. b.. bevor or ... after ?«

The rabbi smiles again and says :
»INSTEAD !!!«

----

Star if You liked it....

Aaron.

2007-12-18 01:32:06 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you MAD? I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The bum was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "Hey, man, that's OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf!"

2007-12-18 01:30:55 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sister Mary Holycard was in her 60s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon early in the spring a young priest came to chat, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.

She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom.

Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, he thought, Sister Mary has flipped or something!

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. And of course, the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the strange floater; but soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer.

"Sister," he said, "I wonder if you could tell me about this?" (pointing to the crystal bowl)

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?"

"I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"

2007-12-18 01:27:39 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says,"What the h*** are you doing?"

"I'm wearing my love dress." responds the daughter-in-law,"We haven't made love in a long time."

So the mother-in-law says, "Hm, maybe I should do that."

She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, "What the f*** are you doing?"

"I'm wearing my love dress," says the wife.

"Well," responds the husband, "it needs to be ironed."

2007-12-18 01:09:01 · 8 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

There were 7 dwarfs in a shower all feeling happy, but then happy got out so they started feeling grumpy instead!

2007-12-18 01:06:20 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

she didnt quite grasp the 'fastest finger first'

2007-12-18 00:54:19 · 30 answers · asked by mmmmyeah 3

Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

2007-12-18 00:08:14 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man making the bar scene, was fairly intoxicated when he went into a popular night spot. The bartender refused to serve him and told him he should go home.



Man : My wife will kill me.

Bartender : Take her some candy.

Man : She is on a diet.

Bartender : Take her some flowers.

Man : She has allergies.

Bartender : Tell her a poem.

Man : She loves poems… But I don’t know any.

Bartender : Here is one for you. The Bartender recites:

YOU BABYLONIAN WITCH
BLUE EYES AND RUBY LIPS
BENEATH THINE EYES PASSION LIES
AND THAT’S WHAT MAKES MY PASSION RISE
-”Shakespeare”

Man : I can handle that. So walking home the man was reciting to
himself the poem. When he gets home he is unable to find his keys. So he knocks on the door.


Wife : You better not have been drinking!

Man : Sweetness, I have a poem for you!

Wife : It had better be good.

The man starts to recite the poem…

YOU BABYLONIAN ***** ..
BLUE EYES AND PURPLE ****.
BETWEEN YOUR THIGHS A PUSSY LIES
AND THAT’S WHAT MAKES MY PECKER RISE.

2007-12-17 23:51:44 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

a chunk of tarmac walks into a bar and says to the barman, ' gimme a drink, im the hardest tarmac around here, motorway tarmac !' , so the barman gets him a pint.
2 minuites later another chunk of tarmack walks in....' gimme a drink coz im the hardest tarmack around these parts, runway tarmac', so the barman gives him a pint.
5 minuites later a chunk of red tarmac walks in and says nothing, just orders a pint. the red tarmack finished his drink and walks out. the barman looks over to the other 2 chunks of tarmac who, by this time are cowering under a table, 'i thought you 2 are the hardest tarmac around here', he says. 'yeah we are ',says the runway tarmac, 'but we dont mess with him coz he's a cycle path'.

2007-12-17 23:25:02 · 30 answers · asked by PAZ.....GTFC 2

What comes next? p, a, l, j, n, m, c, l, m, y, k?

2007-12-17 23:19:32 · 5 answers · asked by Just me 3

a fridge doesnt fart when you take the meat out

2007-12-17 23:12:14 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking."

2007-12-17 22:54:23 · 16 answers · asked by Barbara Doll to you 7

Their balls are just for decoration.

2007-12-17 22:17:47 · 17 answers · asked by Barbara Doll to you 7

While driving during a horrible snowstorm, a young blonde became disoriented and lost. She remembered what her father had once told her. ”If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.” Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes.
Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, ”Well, I’m done with the parking lot here at Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart

2007-12-17 21:38:10 · 13 answers · asked by Jake5282 3

One fateful day the seven dwarfs left to go work at the local coal mine (hey, even little people have to make a dollar) while Snow White stayed home to prepare lunch. When she arrived at the mine around noon with their food she saw that there had been a terrible cave in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out for them. She prayed her dwarfs had survived. “Hello, hello,” she cried out… “Can anyone hear me? Hello…” For quite some time, without hearing a word.
Just as she was about to lose hope, Snow White called out one last time… “Hello. Is anyone down there? Please, can anyone here me?” She then heard a faint voice, deep from within the mine. The voice said, “Vote for Hillary!”
Snow White, relieved that at least one dwarf had survived, gasped “Oh, thank God Dopey is still alive.”

2007-12-17 21:37:20 · 12 answers · asked by Jake5282 3

A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and right in the middle of each was an arrow. “Who is this incredibly fine archer?” cried the duke. “I must find him!”
After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.
“You didn’t just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?” asked the duke worriedly. “No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.”
“That is truly astonishing,” said the duke. “I hereby admit you into my service.” The boy thanked him profusely. “But I must ask one favor in return,” the duke continued. “You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.”
“Well,” said the boy, “first I fire the arrow at the tree… and then I paint the target around it.”

2007-12-17 21:34:45 · 7 answers · asked by Jake5282 3

YOU CAN TELL YOU HAVE LIVED IN THE MODERN WORLD IF…..
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

2007-12-17 21:33:47 · 11 answers · asked by Jake5282 3

A man and his wife are awakened at three o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

Put your ad here!

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No. I did not! It is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him. You should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

2007-12-17 21:32:41 · 24 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny, not very funny at all.

Put your ad here!

2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A DOG, YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. Wow, you fooled a dog. What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there again.

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog coats & sweaters. Um...have you noticed the fur?

2007-12-17 21:21:54 · 16 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Ever wonder about those people who spend £2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea...does that mean that one person enjoys it?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

2007-12-17 21:02:42 · 15 answers · asked by Rainman 4

2007-12-17 21:01:17 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was having a intense and passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

Put your ad here!

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards....."

2007-12-17 20:42:14 · 14 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

it's always erect, it stays up for 12 days & nights, it has cute balls & it looks good with the lights on.

2007-12-17 19:00:17 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-17 17:06:38 · 8 answers · asked by matthew m 1