Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

(ok the answer makes no sence)
Your camping in the woods and you go to sleep, you wake up in a concrete room with only a saw and a table, how do you get out?

(there are no doors or windows or anything like that)

2007-12-17 17:05:37 · 5 answers · asked by Tony 2

1. As I walked along the path, I saw something with four fingers and one thumb, but it was not flesh, bone, fish, or fowl.
2. What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a head but never weeps, has a bed but never sleeps?
3. What can fill a room but takes up no space?
4. Only two backbones and thousands of ribs.
5. Four jolly men sat down to play, and played all night long till the break of day. They played for cash and not for fun, with a separate score for everyone. When it came time to square accounts, they all had made quite fair amounts. Now, not one has lost and all have gained. Tell me, now, this can you explain? ;]
6. Jack and Jill are lying on the floor inside the house, dead. They died from lack of water. There is shattered glass next to them. How did they die?
7. Why don't lobsters share?
8. A barrel of water weighs 20 pounds. What must you add to it to make it weigh 12 pounds?
9. Big as a biscuit, deep as a cup, even a river can't fill it up. What is it?!

2007-12-17 16:26:35 · 4 answers · asked by ? 1

so, there are 4 houses in one row. there are 3 stores across from the 4 houses in a row like this:

HOUSE-HOUSE-HOUSE-HOUSE




STORE-----STORE-----STORE


the question is, can you connect each house to each store WITHOUT intersecting lines and going off the page or lifting ur writing utencil?

2007-12-17 15:08:55 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

s'warm...

2007-12-17 15:05:29 · 5 answers · asked by Micky G 4

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!" The man was a real smart aleck and he said, "That's what you can do when you're young and quick."
Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do that for?" The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"

2007-12-17 13:38:50 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "This is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

2007-12-17 13:37:22 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok, so three blondes are standing at the pearly gates and ST. Peter tells them they must answer one question before they get in. He asks the first blonde, "What is Easter about?" and she replies, "It's when we hang up lighted trees and give each other gifts." "No," he tells her, "You'll have to go to Purgatory." He turns to the next blonde and asks the same question. She replies, "It's when we send pink cards to our lovers and eat lots of candy." He sends her to Purgatory as well. Finally, he asks the question the last blonde. She replies, "It is the time when Jesus was crucified for our sins and they took his body down from the cross and laid it behind a rock-"
"Very good," he says. "You may enter."
"-and every year he rolls away the rock and if he sees his shadow, its four more weeks of winter!"

2007-12-17 13:26:03 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very rich man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.

After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal..."

2007-12-17 13:21:39 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. You've got red and green bags under your eyes

9. You're serving reindeer pot pie

8. When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream,
"No! I'm not listening!"

7. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers in the a** with
your BB gun

6. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you.

5. Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make
photo copies

4. You're busted for running through town wearing nothing but mistletoe.

3. You've got eggnog coming out of your ears

2. Your standard response, "And happy holidays to you too, you bastard"

1. Two words: tinsel rash

2007-12-17 13:18:16 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.

"Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. I fell, but luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

2007-12-17 13:14:33 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"
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2007-12-17 13:13:19 · 17 answers · asked by cutegir11 3

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

2007-12-17 13:11:44 · 10 answers · asked by supertop 7

http://images.neopets.com/games/new_tradingcards/lg_chomby_day_2005.gif

^link

thanks!

2007-12-17 13:10:26 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics.

"So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying....... "Ehhhh... 22."

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.

"And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces ....."Five foot two!"

This isn`t looking good so well. The interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won`t have to count, measure, or lookup.

"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying ......."Mandy!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Ohhhh, that !" replies the blonde," I was just running through that song,...... Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you.... ".

2007-12-17 13:08:05 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 men walk into a bar.

After they drink a couple of beers they are ready to leave, but the bartender won't let them unless they have 12 inches of dick between them.

The first guy whips his out and shows 6 inches.

The second guy drops his pants and shows 5 inches.

Finally, the third guy shows his 1 inch dick.

The bartender says "Ok, thats 12 inches you can go".

As the're walking away the first guy sais to the third, "Thank god you had a ***** or we'd still be there."

2007-12-17 13:02:28 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A rich old man has died. After his death, his children are surprised to learn that he has left all of his money to his oldest son Jeremiah, who loved him dearly, and ignored his other children, who hated him.So, the funeral is a day or two later, and the other sons and daughters have decided to kill Jeremiah and take his inheritance. Since his father's death, Jeremiah has taken to drinking, and they know that, at the wake, he's going to be gulping down the liquor like it was nectar of the gods. So they decide to poison the drinks. One of the other sons, Wallace, tends bar, and gets the poison all ready. So Jeremiah comes up, crying and depressed, and orders a scotch on the rocks. Wallace serves him one, and he chugs it down in two seconds. "Give me another." Wallace gives him a second glass of scotch, which he also drinks in a matter of moments. The other siblings are puzzled...the poison is fast-acting; Jeremiah should be convulsing on the floor and retching his guts out. Finally, fifteen minutes later, a rather inebriated and very much alive Jeremiah orders one last glass of scotch, but as Wallace hands it to him, he changes his mind and leaves, sobbing. The other siblings come over to Wallace, and wonder what's going on. They talk about what could have gone wrong for a few minutes, and figure the poison's harmless. So Wallace sips the drink he poured for Jeremiah, and is pronounced DOA thirty minutes later. Why did Jeremiah live? (He had no immunity to the poison, he didn't know it was coming, and the poison was obviously deadly.)

2007-12-17 12:57:35 · 2 answers · asked by notreading1345 1

This guy has a spare $10 that he decides to spend on his first hooker ever.

He goes out, he gets one, then he brings her home.

They have hours of hardcore sex. Then she leaves when he falls asleep.

The next morning, he wakes up and discovers that he has crabs, he goes and finds the hooker again and says, "Hey, *****, you gave me crabs!"

She replies, "Well for $10 what did you expect, Lobsters?"

2007-12-17 12:48:14 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly couple (who lived in an old folks home) had had feelings for one another for quite some time.

Then one day they had a chance to meet up, as the old folks were going out on a day trip.

The two complained of some sort of illness and the carers told them to say put.

When the coach with the elders in had pulled away the couple made sure the coast was clear before slipping into the mans bedroom.

As soon as they'd taken their clothes off and got into bed the man asked the women did she like anything doing to her?

"I love to be licked down below!" came the reply.

So the man ventured downwards.

After five minutes the man came back up.

"Any wrong?" asked the women.

"Well yes theres a horrible smell and it tastes quite bad down there" said the man.

"Oh" said the women. "That must be my arthritis"

"In your Vagina?" enquired the man.

"No"answered the women. "The arthritis in my shoulder! I can't wipe my ****!!!"

2007-12-17 12:36:53 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

you should see a psychiatrist, not a dentist. and the man said "i know, but your light was on"

2007-12-17 12:25:09 · 15 answers · asked by shergal farkey 4

What is the value of the the bottle?

2007-12-17 11:56:18 · 15 answers · asked by hasd2kin 1

a guy went to school.his teacher asked him whats 1+1.he didnt know so ran back to his house and asked daddy.dad whats 1+1.STUDDDUP *****,he said.he went to his mom.she was playing with action figures.DA DA DA BATMAN.then he went to his baby sister.the mom said cmon baby LETS GO!then he went to his brother.he was playin a game.86!HIT EM HARD.he went back to school.the teacher asked him whats 1+1.STUDDUP *****,he said.WHO U THINK U ARE?!?!,asked the teacher.da-da-da BATMAN,he said.thats it!ur going to the prinicials office,said the teacher.cmon baby lets go.then he went to the prinicials office.HOW MANY SPANKIES YA THINK U DECSRve?86 HIT EM HARD.

sry for the bad spelling.

2007-12-17 11:46:20 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a little boy and a little girl, they were asking there dad about God.
the boy goes, "Dad, Is God black or white?"
THe dad goes, " Both"
and then the little girl asks
" Dad is God a boy or a girl?"
and the dad goes Both
and then the little boy goes
" Dad, is God **Micheal Jackson?"
funny?
lol
**spelling..sorry

2007-12-17 11:33:44 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

o
t
t
f
f
s
s

2007-12-17 11:30:54 · 4 answers · asked by jobees 6

there r 3 guys driving named poop,manners, and shut up they r runnin low on gas so they stop at a gas station. shut up gets out to pay 4 the gas while manners fills up. poop wants to get out to but he falls so manners is tryin 2 help him up.inside shut up meets a cop he sez wats ur name son? shut up sez shut up.the cop sez i'll give u another chance WHATS UR NAME? shut up sez SHUT UP! the cop asks shut up "where are ur manners?" shut up replys outside picking up poop. [1-10]

2007-12-17 11:29:09 · 9 answers · asked by Alexandria 1

knock knock
who's there
gay
gay who
gatorade

2007-12-17 11:28:57 · 53 answers · asked by Vijay B 1

I need to think of something funny to make into a joke about at&t formatted similarly to the joke shown below. Its the old mastercard commercials.....its for my fathers x-mas present, he has an at&t blackberry and pays a tone of money for data plans, cases, the blackberry itself, etc, but it constantly drops his calls. see what you can come up with....

heres an example:

14 Cases and other Accessories: $40
Plan with Internet Capabilities: $50
Swiss Army Knife of Phones: $300
Unable to complete a phone call: *Priceless*

2007-12-17 11:22:08 · 3 answers · asked by nostradamus 1

Polls and surveys. A perfect start. Ive just heard that joke on tv

2007-12-17 11:12:56 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do u think of this story:
The object was flying back and forth like a ping pong game in slow motion.It was a cool evening around 6"What is that?" I asked.My sister looked up from the t.v to where i was staring out the window."Where?" "Outside.Come here, I'll show u."I repiled.My sister got up from the floor and looked out the window w/me. "I don't see anything."She said."No, over there Aurora,By the woods,U see that?It looks like an airplane cicling the woods." I said"Oh yeah,I see it now,is it that blue and red flashy thing?" "Yeah but it looks like a v Shaped object."I said "yeah Vitoria, and zebras r purple w/ pink and orange polka dots, I know Ur letting that Criss Angel dude get in 2 ur head. It-" "Oh my God."I said."what?"
Oh my god,Duck aurora Duck!its coming straight 2 our house!"I started 2 painc.I was crying and i ducked down,but then got up and looked out into the horizon. W/out warning the lights died down I saw my life flashing b4 my eyes I whispered "Its here."

2007-12-17 09:50:11 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

My cousins are commin soon, and I want to tell some GOOD jokes. Most of them are around sixth or seventh grade, sothay have to be for kids. thax

2007-12-17 09:46:14 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

For the 12 days of christmas my true love gave to me
1 Sticky Tinny, 2 Magic Mushys, 3 Lines of Speed, 4 Tabs of E, 5 tokes of P, and the the other 6 days in A&E

2007-12-17 09:40:39 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous