Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

20. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gambler, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

21. When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

22. I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

23. Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

24. I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

25. Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

26. It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

27. Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.

2007-12-15 13:15:50 · 2 answers · asked by ? 3

11. You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

12. Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

13. When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

14. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

15. I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

16. [Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

17. What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

18. Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Lea and as smart as Yoda.

19. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

2007-12-15 13:14:08 · 3 answers · asked by ? 3

The vicar spoke as the lady was lowered into her grave. "Together at last"
"Ah" said a mourner "with her husband?"
"No" sid a friend "Her legs"

2007-12-15 13:02:48 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was an old man driving one night, when his wife called him. She said, "Harold, be careful! I just heard there's a mad man driving the wrong way on a nearby highway!" and he said, "Honey, I know, but there's not just one, there are HUNDREDS!"

2007-12-15 12:56:44 · 12 answers · asked by Hoffman 5

There are three men that are construction workers, a mexican, an african american, and a white blond man. They were all sitting on a bridge getting ready to eat their lunch. The mexican man says "if i have turkey again i'll jump off this bribge and kill myself!"The african american says "if i have ham again i'll jump off this bridge and kill myself!" The white blond man says "if i have tuna again i'll jump off this bridge and kill myself!" They all had the same thing for lunch so they all jumped off the bridge.

At the funeral, the mexican and the african americans wives were saying "im sorry i didnt pack you a different lunch!"
Everyone turned to look at the blond mans wife and she said "dont look at me he packed his own lunch!!"

2007-12-15 12:50:35 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it's triplets.
Ugly: You had a
vasectomy five years ago.




2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants
a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.




3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's
involved with the
woman next door. Ugly: So are you.




4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your
wife can't find
her birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.




5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's
a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than your wife.




6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to
your 10 year old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.




7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's the pet dog. Ugly: The dog is pregnant now.


8. Good: Your 15-year-old daughter got a new job. Bad: As
a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly:
She makes more money than you do.

2007-12-15 12:49:50 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A wife takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at
work.
The 9-year old son comes home early, sees them, and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch.
Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing
that the little boy is already in there.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the
lover find themselves in the closet again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my
glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000."

2007-12-15 12:42:27 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

a young boy with a wood eye is really self conscious about it.

one night he has a school dance to go to.

the whole night hes watching everyone dance, sitting in the corner.

he looks over and sees another girl sitting down too.
shes not very pretty and she had a big nose.
but he decided to work up the courage to ask her to dance.

he goes over to her and says " woud you like to dance?"

and she says "WOULD I?"

and he yells "BIG NOSE!" >:o

get it?

2007-12-15 11:40:59 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can some one help me with this sonnet

it is suppose to be traditional with and octet and a sestet

an iambic pentameter

Which i have trouble with. If you can read it and tell me wether i have 5 iambs on each line and help me with the ones i don't

Please






Out on the field
the wistle blew loud
cleats came aimed at my shins i had sheilds
and with the ball at my feet i plowed
i knocked the ball far wide
up to the six yard box i flew
a slotted ball center drew my slide
my foot hit the ball right on que
in the back of the net drawing cheers and boos
back to the center went the ball
the other team was now feeling blue
a sudden break away was a close call
but with forty minutes up the wistle blew
we won the game like every team intends to

2007-12-15 11:39:43 · 2 answers · asked by Hippo<3Looopppeerrr 1

2007-12-15 10:12:32 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A question for everyone, even Sam I Am.

2007-12-15 10:07:04 · 38 answers · asked by Kentucky Dave 6

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down a street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it?

The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

2007-12-15 10:02:17 · 42 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'
The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that he made the cat.
The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!'

2007-12-15 09:41:47 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

say something completely random. Most random thing gets 10 points! (you're more likely if you star!)

2007-12-15 09:37:09 · 21 answers · asked by Hot - Maddie - Rod 4

A man knocked on a persons door and said " oh Presidant Bush has been
captured by the Talaban and if we dont send them a billon pounds then
they will burn Bush on a fire with petrol." Can you help us
The man replies " Okay, so how much have you raised then"
He replies " About 2 gallons"

2007-12-15 09:19:25 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you hear this one? Star if worthy. Thanks.


Pls star if you like this one. Thx.

4 Letter Words


Please excuse the rough language in the following story... I would have deleted them, but the story wouldn't be the same.

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"

Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me
home..., "PLEASE MAMA! "

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT
4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama...., he said words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

2007-12-15 09:16:22 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. "

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "

2007-12-15 09:14:09 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

my name is so easy to rhyme? Should I change my name to Orange or something to test his affection?

2007-12-15 08:49:57 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

how can he bring them all over the river with out one of them eating the other, he can only carry one item at a time,,,,

2007-12-15 08:48:45 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because it said concentrate on it.

2007-12-15 08:01:36 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

and indifferent when their dog chases cars?

2007-12-15 07:59:45 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is a joke for all the noobie's out there. Welcome to the jokes section. YOU have a chance to win

A man wants to buy a car. He goes to a car dealership. He is looking at all of the cars when he sees one that looks so much better than any other. He looks inside the car and sees that it has no steering wheel. He calls the car dealer over and asks why it is. The car dealer replies, "You see, this car is futuristic. It is voice controlled. Directions are easy, you simply say: left, right, or back. But the starting and stopping of the car is tricky. To start it you say Thank God, and to stop it you say Oh ****."
So the man buys it and goes on a trip. He gets really used to the controls and is having fun. Suddenly, he sees a huge cliff ahead of him. He tries to say the words for "stop" or “back", but he cant remember them. He starts panicking and shouting random words. "Stop. Stop car. Please stop." By now he is about to go off the cliff. "Oh ****" and the car stops. “Thank God".

2007-12-15 07:03:36 · 16 answers · asked by Gary 3

2007-12-15 06:57:50 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Okay.. was it jolly old saint nick, or was it her boss from work? You fill in the blank here :)

2007-12-15 06:55:11 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

So he tells the clerk that he had whole lot rather work and support himself than draw well fare. The clerk tells him that he is in luck! That a man just came in and was looking for someone to drive his 20 year old daughter around and keep an eye on her. You get clean uniforms to wear every day, three meals a day, $30,000 a year, and a nice appartment furnashed over the garage. The well fare reciperant says " you're s--t ing me". The clerk says "well you started it"!

2007-12-15 06:36:28 · 3 answers · asked by Jackolantern 7

continue the sentence....

the answer for me is...

''i would have faint because of the smell :D ''

2007-12-15 06:32:51 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

is that cool? i think ima do it unless you guys have better gift ideas... my mom asked for an ab lounge even thought its like giving the gift of exercise (which sucks). but i have a lot of new friends... mostly girls if you know what i mean and is giving them all chocolate a good gift?

2007-12-15 06:22:02 · 39 answers · asked by ceesteris 6

2007-12-15 05:53:15 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

..................................................... Its's not come out yet!

2007-12-15 05:51:40 · 9 answers · asked by not2posh 5

2007-12-15 05:31:50 · 19 answers · asked by O'Papa Smurf! 3