Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1 Pass My Shotgun

2 Psychotic Mood Shift

3 Perpetual Munching Spree

4 Puffy Mid-Section

5 People Make me Sick

6 Provide Me with Sweets

7 Pardon My Sobbing

8 Pimples May Surface

9 Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one.

13. Potential Murder Suspect

2007-02-05 11:23:41 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

how do you ask a man the time when he's got no arms or legs

you got the time on ya cxck

2007-02-05 11:19:45 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."

2007-02-05 11:18:23 · 12 answers · asked by 株式会THE CITADEL 株式会 4

Six men are walking down the road.
Each man has six baskets.
Inside each basket there are six cats.
Each cat has six kittens with them.
Assuming all are healthy and whole ........
How many legs are there?

First to the post gets the tenner in points!

2007-02-05 11:14:14 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

Liberaci died and went to heaven.
Saint Peter was there and said sorry Liberaci but you can't enter the pearly gates.
Liberaci said why not?
Saint Peter said because when you were young you ate a Parrot.
Liberaci said No I did not I might have ate a Cockatoo.

2007-02-05 11:13:20 · 12 answers · asked by Ghostly Ghost! 3

"A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm. He says to the barman: ‘A pint for me, and one for the road’."

2007-02-05 11:11:27 · 19 answers · asked by 株式会THE CITADEL 株式会 4

Hello, may I push in your stool?

2007-02-05 11:03:21 · 10 answers · asked by Ghostly Ghost! 3

A young hoodie walking through a field in Wales where he sees a farmer up behind a sheep. so he asks "Are you shearing" the farmer says "No find your own. Well i found it funny.

2007-02-05 10:56:45 · 16 answers · asked by Loo 4

On the sixth day, God turned to the angel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada.

"It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes teeming with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so that the inhabitants prosper, and I shall call these inhabitants Canadians. They shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," God replied. "Just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them."

2007-02-05 10:55:44 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: What's the difference between a beer and a woman?

A: You can have more than one beer and not feel guilty.

Q: What is Dracula's favorite drink?

A: A Bloody Mary.

Q: Why was there a bug in the computer?

A: It was looking for a byte to eat.

A Scotsman is sitting at the bar with his pint of beer, when a fly suddenly lands in the glass.

The Scot yanks the fly out of the beer, grabs it by the throat, and yells: "Damn you! Spit that back out!"


Q: Why do so many blonds live in LA?

A: Because even they can spell it.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon?

A: A vacant possession.

2007-02-05 10:52:47 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger boobs'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your boobs for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my boobs bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your bum' says the boyfriend.

2007-02-05 10:49:49 · 18 answers · asked by Smurf 7

can u give me an example of social helath 4 my homework

2007-02-05 10:47:39 · 8 answers · asked by =] 3

2007-02-05 10:45:56 · 8 answers · asked by chpfranklin 1

There was a kid at my school that sat behind the bus driver.

He sang: "if my mom is an elephant, and my dad is an elephant, then i would be a little elephant"

The bus driver started to get annoyed. And then the kid continue to sang again: "If my mom is a bull, and my dad is a bull, then i am a little bull"

He sang for about 10 more animals, the bus driver get so mad and he yelled:
-"IF YOUR DAD IS A DRUNKER AND YOUR MOM IS A PROS*TITUTE, THEN WHAT ARE YOU HUH?"

The kid said: "A Bus Driver!"

2007-02-05 10:44:39 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Roses are red, Violets are blue. ___ _____ ___ ___ ___ ____ ____ ____ ______!!!!!

2007-02-05 10:40:39 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS $30, SO >EACH
MAN PAID $10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.

A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY $25, SO HE
SENT

THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH $5.

ON THE WAY, THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT $5 EVENLY BETWEEN >3
MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A $1 AND KEPT THE OTHER $2 FOR HIMSELF.

THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF
$27, ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $29.

WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR?

2007-02-05 10:34:07 · 16 answers · asked by marellac 1

she's got two arms to hold me, four legs to wrap around me, she's not your typical girlfriend, she's ______ ________

2007-02-05 10:33:14 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was found dead (by the police) in a small room with a gun and a tape player in the room as well. When the police pushed play on the tape player, the guy's voice began playing (the guy that is dead in the room)and he began talking about how he had such a bad life that he was going to just commit suicide. At the end of the tape, there was a gunshot. How did the police immidiately know that this was a murder?

2007-02-05 10:28:15 · 21 answers · asked by Kj 3

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian." The salesman bought a ticket & sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause & the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

15 years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian." He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.
Again, the center ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, 3 coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants & smashed the coconuts with 3 swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. You're incredible!" he told the Italian,” But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago & you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

....."Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be".



"Us Older guys are amazing ... only our eyesight goes... Ha ha!"

2007-02-05 10:27:14 · 9 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
"Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,"Up or down ?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were "**** or drown."

2007-02-05 10:24:59 · 3 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

2007-02-05 10:18:16 · 20 answers · asked by ♥ 5

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

2007-02-05 10:03:19 · 11 answers · asked by 株式会THE CITADEL 株式会 4

A Tractor has hydrolics and a Giraffe has a high Bo**ocks.

2007-02-05 10:02:30 · 11 answers · asked by Smurf 7

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"

The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

2007-02-05 10:02:09 · 15 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

2007-02-05 10:00:15 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down.
You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

2007-02-05 09:59:52 · 23 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

Where is everyone tonight - hardly any answers to the questions being asked???? :(

2007-02-05 09:55:45 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

An 80 year old man was having his annual check up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle, and do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

2007-02-05 09:50:08 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

there was a blonde, a red head, and a brunette. They were all gonna comit suicide together. They all jumped off the bridge at the same time. they were all the same wieght and height. who got to the bottome last?

answer:
the blonde, she had to stop and ask for directions.


kinda funny you gotta admit! hay i need points will you guys give me a star?

2007-02-05 09:48:24 · 11 answers · asked by sarah 2

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies

"No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."

2007-02-05 09:39:44 · 15 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7