Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

A man thumbing a lift is picked up by a lorry driver.
Hiker- What are you carrying mate?
Driver- Toilet tissue.
Hiker- It's a big wagon for toilet tissue.
Driver- There's ten ton of it.
Hiker- You've got ten ton of tiolet tissue?
Driver- Yes. and its tinted.
Hiker- You've got ten ton of tinted toilet tissue?
Driver- Yes, and it's textured.
Hiker- Where are you taking ten ton of textured tinted toilet tissue?
Driver- Todcaster.
Hiker- Why are you taking ten ton of textured tinted toilet tissue to
Todcaster?




Driver- They're R sole agents.

2007-02-05 22:45:16 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-05 22:44:07 · 8 answers · asked by v 2

A woman visited the the physiotherapist and she was told to lie on the couch while the physio manipulated her limbs. The physio urged her to shout out if she felt any pain during the procedure and he would stop.

He told her to turn on her side, then grabbed her firmly by the arm and started to apply pressure.

"Aaargh!" shrieked the woman almost immediately.

"Is it hurting already?" asked the startled and somewhat concerned physio.

"Yes," gasped the grimacing patient. "I'm lying on my car keys!"

2007-02-05 22:30:36 · 8 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2007-02-05 22:26:47 · 23 answers · asked by Jay A 3

2007-02-05 22:24:21 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Roses are red
violets are blue
I'm a schizophrenic
and so am I!

2007-02-05 22:23:34 · 13 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

The surgeon was moving to a new office, and his staff were helping transport many of the items. The display skeleton was put in the front seat of the secretarys car, his bony arm across the back of her seat.

At one traffic light, the stares from the people in the next lane became obvious, she looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

2007-02-05 22:19:59 · 9 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

1) How do you put a Giraffe into a fridge?

2) How do you put an Elephant into a fridge?

3)The Lion is hosting a meeting.
All the animals attend accept one................
which is it?

4) There is a river you must cross, but its inhabited by crocodiles.
how do you get across safely?

2007-02-05 22:15:03 · 14 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

clue... we use it everyday. :)

2007-02-05 22:13:19 · 6 answers · asked by l002_nights 1

The wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same, sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looks up at her and replies, "Yes dear, I do, you wore that same negligee the night we were married."

"That's right." she replied, "And do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?"

He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhh, Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big t!ts and scr*w your brains out!"

She giggles and says, "Yes, that was it. That was exactly what you said. And now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"

Again, he looks up at her and looks her up and down and says, "Mission Accomplished."

2007-02-05 22:12:10 · 8 answers · asked by Jay A 3

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.

The first blond said "These look like deer tracks,"

and the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks!"

They argued for quite a while, in fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them.

2007-02-05 22:09:59 · 23 answers · asked by Jay A 3

2 questions. or puzzles rather.

WHAT GOES AROUND THE HOUSE, BUT DOESN'T TOUCH IT?

WHAT DRIES WHEN IT'S WET?

please help. there doing ma head in. these are the only 2 i need.

2007-02-05 21:46:04 · 6 answers · asked by techno mentalist 4

2007-02-05 21:32:40 · 6 answers · asked by tahir i 1

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day.

"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some
languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.

However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

2007-02-05 21:28:42 · 13 answers · asked by lian 2

we have all heard the story of the three wise men, but did you know that one of them was extremely tall? as they entered the stable he bumped his head on the doorway and shouted out 'jesus christ'! joseph turns to mary and says, 'remember that honey it sure sounds better than nigel' !!

2007-02-05 21:27:04 · 8 answers · asked by sydneygal 6

If a pound of tea has twice as much caffeine as a pound of coffee, and if a pound of tea is enough to make 160 cups of tea, and if a pound of coffee is enough to make 40 cups, and if a 12-ounce can of cola has about one-fourth the caffeine as a cup of coffee,
How much caffeine does one cup of tea have compared to one cup of coffee?

How much caffeine does one cup of tea have compared to a 12-ounce can of cola?

2007-02-05 21:21:30 · 6 answers · asked by mrs.kerry 1

A girl who was just learning to drive went down a one-way street in the wrong direction, but didn't break the law. How come?

2007-02-05 21:14:59 · 13 answers · asked by mrs.kerry 1

I cant believe what I am seeing
A young couple surely fleeing
They we scared more, more then me
They left their clothes there on a tree

2007-02-05 21:08:50 · 3 answers · asked by gary_b04901 1

I'm from Sri Lanka. I watch Kasautii Zindagi Kay or Praveena as shown is Sri Lanka. We are at the point where Sneha Prerna's daughter gets sick with cancer and Anurag finds out that she is his own daughter.

What happens next? Do Prerna and Bajaj get married again? I may be leaving the country and think I might miss my favourite programme. Please help.

2007-02-05 21:08:29 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

As the howling wind did blow
I get eerie feelings from below
I can hear the crickets beeping
I feel behind me, people creeping

I was alone out here tonight
Now my feelings, full of fright
Are these people I am feeling
Alive or am I dreaming

I turned round, and started staring
All I see is moonlight glaring
As I turn more to the right
Slowly staring into the night

Then my body slowly quivers
Breaking out in all shivers
I get bad feelings from my past
Surely hoping they do not last

Do I run or stand my ground
Till these creatures come around
My heat pumps greatly from inside
I get this feeling I should hide

These strange sounds that I am hearing
Closely by, and near a clearing
There is a howl and then a pause
Like somehow it had a cause

So I give out an evil blast
For ten seconds, it did last
It was like a curling yell
Whose ever out there, go to hell

I cant believe what I am seeing
A young couple surely fleeing
They we scared more, more then m

2007-02-05 20:57:07 · 13 answers · asked by gary_b04901 1

2007-02-05 20:49:10 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

My host thinks I'm an irritation, a bother, a pain.
But he can't evict me, so I stay, remain.
Then one day I'm taken and ranked among my peers.
Can you guess just what I am? Then you might call me dear.

what am i?

2007-02-05 20:47:13 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-05 20:46:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere.

He walked into the centre of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain and started swinging him around his head.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated.

One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"

The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."

2007-02-05 20:46:19 · 13 answers · asked by Jay A 3

A man was found murdered on Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these alibis:
The Wife said she was sleeping.
The Cook was cooking breakfast.
The Gardener was picking vegetables.
The Maid was getting the mail.
The Butler was cleaning the closet.

The police instantly arrested the murdered. Who did it and how did they know?

2007-02-05 20:45:42 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.
''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says. ''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he almost died!''

''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, “earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''

All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway.

''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to pr!ck Mr. Smiths boil!'''

2007-02-05 20:44:02 · 9 answers · asked by Jay A 3

would they have to tickle u to get u to talk?

2007-02-05 20:42:48 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "What'll you have?"
The skeleton says "A beer and a mop."

2007-02-05 20:42:25 · 8 answers · asked by Jay A 3

2007-02-05 20:41:48 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest ones at the back are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

2007-02-05 20:36:14 · 11 answers · asked by Jay A 3