Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

You write on me and secrets I can keep,
In places never seen, I spin like a top,
Though stiff as a board,
I'm often described like a mop.

What am I?

2007-02-05 20:35:40 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-05 20:28:47 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Englishman is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"

Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Britain ." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"

Englishman: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Britain ."

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France ?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

Englishman: "We don't. In Britain , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France ."

2007-02-05 20:26:59 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

The teenager is trying to save money by cutting down on his smoking. He now smokes six cigarettes a day from Monday through Saturday. On each Sunday, he smokes the cigarettes made from the smoked butt-ends. He has discovered he can make one full cigarette from six butt-ends. How many cigarettes does he get to smoke each week - Monday through Sunday?

2007-02-05 20:25:56 · 3 answers · asked by Traveller 5

Show me a piano falling down a
mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor

What is the Local Area Network in Australia?
The LAN down under.

Jerking off seven days straight makes one weak.

If your new shoes hurt, it’s ok.
“Time wounds all heels."

I used to work as an optician. A customer came in.
I said, "If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.

How to make Holy Water:
Boil The HELL Out Of It.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko

What nationality are you when you need to take a leak?

First you’re a Russian.
Then European.
Finally you're Finnish.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I used to be in love with a midget
lady, Boy was I
"Nuts over her!"
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

What cheese isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese!

2007-02-05 20:23:17 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear whoever it may concern;

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an Adult.

I have decided that I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year
old again. I want to be able to go to McDonalds and think it's a 4 star
restaurant. I want to think M&M's are better than money, simply because you can eat them. I want to lie under a huge oak tree and play Doctor's and
Nurses with my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple and all I knew were colours,
multiplication tables and nursery rhymes and it didn't bother me, because I didn't know what I didn't know and I didn't care. All I knew was to be
happy because I was blissfully unaware of all the things that should make me
worry or upset! I want to think the world is fair and that everyone is
honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by all the little things again.

I want to live simply again. I don't want my days to consist of computer
crashes, countless paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, gossip, illness and loss of loved
ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice,
peace, dreams, imagination and making angels in the snow.

So......from here onwards, I hand over my cheque book, car keys, my credit card bills and my mobile phone, I'm officially resigning from adulthood.

And if you wish to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first,
because, "TAG"! "YOU'RE IT"!!

Yours Sincerely

Me

2007-02-05 20:18:09 · 7 answers · asked by Ness 2

Does anyone know the answer to the Alice in Wonderland movie riddle "Why is a raven like a writing desk?"
It's been buging me for years since I first seen the movie as a kid and I need an answer!!!!

2007-02-05 20:13:32 · 3 answers · asked by blu 2

1. A cab driver picked up a lady who was a chatterbox. He didnt want to talk so he pretended to be deaf and dumb. After she got off he pointed to the meter to see how much she owed him. She paid him and walked off. Then she realized he couldnt have been a deaf mute......how did she know??????
2. Two grandmasters played 5 games of chess each won the same number of games and each lost the same number of games There were no draws how is it possible?
3. One day 2 sisters decided to clean the shed. When they finished one had a dirty face other had a clean face. But the one with the clean face washed her face and one with the dirty face did not wash. Why?
4. A man in a restaurant complained that there was a fly in his coffee. The waiter took the cup away and brought another cup. The man tasted the coffeee and complained that this was the same cup with thefly in it. How did he know?
5.Three women were dressed in swimsuits. Two were sad but were smiling. One was happy but crying. Why?

2007-02-05 19:45:30 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have a really dry caustic sense of humor. My husband has a lame punny sense of humor. I'm just curious to see what others find funny. Tell me something funny. I'll pick the one that I like the most as my best answer and you'll get extra points!

2007-02-05 19:44:03 · 4 answers · asked by Nationalist 4

Hi, I am compiling a joke book. If you have an original joke which is hilarious and clean send it to me. In return, I'll mention your name as the contributor in my book.

2007-02-05 19:39:57 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

it is funny....?

2007-02-05 18:30:29 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-05 18:27:36 · 6 answers · asked by Alexandra M 2

Just a fun survey. :-)

2007-02-05 17:56:30 · 7 answers · asked by Charmaine * 3

I was so bad when I was a kid that the Quaker kids used to beat me up.

(Quakers are pacifists.)

Father Flanagan never met me.

(He was the one who said that there is no such thing as a bad boy.)

We were so poor that we got CARE packages from Korea.

(If you don't get that, you are too young to explain it to.)

I went out to the goat barn yesterday to do chores. The smell was terrible. It kept getting worse and worse and worse. Finally, it was so overpowering that the goats left.

What does Attila the Hun's wife say to him when he comes home from a long day of pillaging?

Hi, Hun.

I'm so stupid that people always ask me where my vantrilaquest is.

How do you tell if a blond has been using your word processor?

There is White Out on the screen.

2007-02-05 17:56:11 · 6 answers · asked by Mia R 4

I have a plan of getting Rich since i need a lot of money to overtake the world..
OK here is the plan!!
I will replace myself with a very rich man's baby when he is asleep .. since both of us will be only SIX months old so nobody will notice the difference and BANG I am RICH!!!
muahahahahaha
what do u think about the plan???


Note: I am only SIX months old!

2007-02-05 17:43:13 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

this .xls quiz contains 200 logos distributed in 14 spreadsheets.
the first logo is for "birdseye", followed by "swarovski".

If you are interested, i can forward a copy of the quiz and we can try to fill it up completely. so far i have 158 out of 200 logos. just share your email address.

or else, let me know where can i find the answers.

2007-02-05 17:37:57 · 8 answers · asked by parrandero_uk 1

The New Corvette



A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out

of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,

enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.



"Amazing," he thought as he flew down the interstate, pushing the pedal

even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol

behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.



He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought,

"What am I doing? I'm way too old for this," and he pulled over to await the

officer.



Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at

his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 15 minutes. Today is Friday. If

you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll

let you go."



The old gentleman paused, then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a

Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."



"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper, then he walked back to his

car.

2007-02-05 17:37:52 · 16 answers · asked by David 6

Looking for some funny jokes that are pretty short and can be clean or dirty but not too dirty. They are to tell people over the phone!

2007-02-05 17:30:14 · 0 answers · asked by kaelynnsmommy 3

A man lives in a high-rise apartment building. Every day when he goes to work, he gets into the elevator on the thirtieth floor (where his apartment is) and rides down to the first floor and goes out of the building to work. When he comes home in the evening, most of the time he rides the elevator to the twelfth floor, gets out there, and walks up the stairs to the thirtieth floor. Occasionally, however, he rides the elevator all the way from the first floor to the thirtieth floor. Why doesn't he always go straight home?

2007-02-05 17:09:42 · 15 answers · asked by blondie 2

you know the flash jokes porno styles anyone remeber it?have it?

2007-02-05 17:07:32 · 1 answers · asked by toilet 1

2007-02-05 16:54:51 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

does anyone know the name of the thing thats half man half horse. and about it?

2007-02-05 16:12:05 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

If a
mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball
replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls
should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding,
determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.
Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball
removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign
balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by
using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.
However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of
ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each
person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of
removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a
customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer

2007-02-05 16:01:41 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is looking a basket of bananas on a scale at the grovery store.



Funniest caption gets the ten

2007-02-05 15:36:06 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Mushroom Walks into a bar
and
the bartender says "Hey, get outta here, we don't serve your kind"
and
the mushroom says "why? I'm a Fun-gi !"



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For People who don't get it a Mushroom is a Fungi or Fungus.
And he meant Fun Guy! LOL I lnow its cheesy but i thought it was cute. lol

2007-02-05 15:01:59 · 7 answers · asked by Christy M 1

okay so in this world where cats could talk there was this poor suffering cat. He went to the cat doctor, who was not a human vet but a cat in a lab coat, and said "doc, there's something wrong with my purr, you see everytime I want to purr it gets caught in my throat!" the cat doc said, "you have temporary purring loss,"


Okay now its your turn to finish this!
What made the doctor realize that the cat's purr was back?

2007-02-05 14:59:14 · 3 answers · asked by harrypotterschick07 2

-Wears braces
-African American
-about 5feet 5inches

2007-02-05 14:47:49 · 7 answers · asked by Juju 1

2007-02-05 14:43:09 · 6 answers · asked by x_ampz_x 2

2007-02-05 14:33:54 · 16 answers · asked by Joanna A 1

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."

LOL
For more on this idiot read his sayings on this site and tell me ur
favorite!
http://www.thatsweird.net/funny_george_bush.shtml

2007-02-05 14:30:21 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous