Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

WHOSE YO Daddy?
>>
>>
>>>The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child >
>Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. Or >
>putting it another way... Who's yo Daddy! These are genuine excerpts >from
>the forms.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was >
>fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father >of
>child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was >
>being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can >
>provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party >if
>this helps.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was >
>conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex >
>with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good >that
>I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you >send me his
>phone number? Thanks.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a >
>BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. >
>Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if >he's
>had it replaced.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am >
>awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception >was
>ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that >
>to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic >
>implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and >
>right by the country. Please advise.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the >
>same to me.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, >
>can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also >
>borned at the same time.... well I don't have a clue.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney >
>World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember >
>for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the >evening.
>If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going >to the party
>at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained >unfertilized.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all >
>when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Yep, you guessed it right. You are all paying taxes to support these >
>dim bulbs!

2007-02-06 03:28:14 · 4 answers · asked by justuraverageperson 2

When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...

IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.

IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.

2007-02-06 03:22:39 · 12 answers · asked by justuraverageperson 2

A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game. As he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that guy. I expect him to be our best man next year."

His girlfriend snuggled closer, replying, "That's a unique proposal – but I accept!”

2007-02-06 03:15:22 · 8 answers · asked by talkingformydog 4

Mary's father have 5 daughters... their name is Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono, what's fifith daughter's name?

2007-02-06 03:11:06 · 21 answers · asked by John Cena's BIGGEST fan 2

Who is the man in the mask?

2007-02-06 03:09:04 · 14 answers · asked by Society Dweller 2

you can borrow it cheaper.

2007-02-06 03:08:35 · 10 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

and marriage is the alarm clock.

2007-02-06 03:04:53 · 13 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

2007-02-06 03:00:55 · 31 answers · asked by kiku 4

2007-02-06 03:00:29 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Have you heard of Picabo (Pronounced Peekaboo) Street the Olympic Skier? Well, one of her first jobs was working at the Hospital in the I.C.U. at the front desk. When she got fired from her job she came home and her husband asked, what happened. She said I don't know, the phone rang at the front desk and I answered and said, Picabo, ICU.

2007-02-06 02:54:37 · 9 answers · asked by Lids 5

Is a husband living proof that a wife can take a joke.

2007-02-06 02:54:09 · 17 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."

The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them.

She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?

2007-02-06 02:50:22 · 31 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right!!" , said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "that's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your goddamn attitude changes!"

2007-02-06 02:49:48 · 47 answers · asked by Tink 5

2007-02-06 02:48:25 · 8 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

Dormitory == Dirty Room

Desperation == A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code == Here Come Dots

Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em

Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's

A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one

That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil A. Armstrong

becomes:

A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

2007-02-06 02:46:28 · 12 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

2007-02-06 02:43:17 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

2007-02-06 02:41:04 · 15 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

2007-02-06 02:39:20 · 8 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.

One turned to the other and said, "Hello."

The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."

2007-02-06 02:38:00 · 12 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is £80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

2007-02-06 02:36:55 · 10 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

2007-02-06 02:31:52 · 10 answers · asked by kitten lover3 7

i missed it and like my fav actor was on it and yea and i cant rewind the tv thing and yea so please help!!!!!!!

2007-02-06 02:24:42 · 2 answers · asked by Tori 5

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

2007-02-06 02:16:28 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

2007-02-06 02:10:59 · 34 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad which read:

Lose weight

Only $1.00 a pound

Call (202) 208-0238

The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the man responded, 'Ten pounds.' The voice replied, 'Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.'

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.

Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, 'Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!'. He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the somewhat less overweight man replied, 'Twenty pounds.'.

'Very well', the voice on the phone told him, 'Give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.'

At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blond dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating 'If you catch me, you can have me'. The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, 'Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!' He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!

'This is fantastic!', he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?'. 'Fifty pounds!', the man exclaimed. 'Fifty pounds?', the voice asked. 'That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.' The man replied, 'Listen buddy, here's my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!', and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating,

'If I catch you, I'm going to scrxw you'

2007-02-06 02:06:47 · 27 answers · asked by Tink 5

A redneck's trying to become a naturalist. First, he decides to study the flea. He takes a flea and puts it on a white piece of paper and yells: "JUMP!"

The flea jumps, so the redneck cuts his legs off.

"JUMP!", he yells. But this time the flea doesn't jump.

Pleased with himself, the redneck writes in his entry book: "After having his legs cut off, the flea became deaf."

2007-02-06 02:02:05 · 19 answers · asked by neilhollydood 1

An Englishman, a Scott, and a Irishman walked into a pub.
Each orderd a pint of beer . Then a fly landed in each one's
beer . The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for another one .The Scott took the fly out ,
shrugged, and drank his beer . The Irisman pinched the fly
between his fingers and yelled " SPIT IT OUT! "SPIT IT OUT!"

2007-02-06 01:59:53 · 22 answers · asked by neilhollydood 1

I wanna funny jok!!!! ♥

2007-02-06 01:56:48 · 3 answers · asked by x.sassy_girl 1

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes get a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

2007-02-06 01:43:51 · 20 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

......"What the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?
Dad says "That's hard, but I have an idea... Ask Mum if she would sleep with the milkman for 1 million pound."
Kid comes back: "Mum said yes"
Dad says: "Now ask your sister if she'll sleep with the rubbish man for 2 million pounds."
Kid comes back: "She says yes."
Dad says: "Well, there you go son, that's your answer: theoretically we're sitting on 3 million pounds but realistically... we're living with 2 sl*gs!"

xx

2007-02-06 01:42:03 · 28 answers · asked by *BURNY* 5