Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

A Blonde complains to her doctor that her whole body is aching .She touches her knee and sreams.then she touches her nose and elbow and screams."Is it serious?" she asks. " Nah" he replies." Your finger's just broken"

2007-02-06 07:39:02 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-06 07:38:45 · 9 answers · asked by Pumpkin 2

A woman had married 10 different men and never divorced one of them. It was still legal though.How is that so? The first person to get it right will get 10 points!!

2007-02-06 07:38:32 · 32 answers · asked by halima b 2

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

2007-02-06 07:38:14 · 19 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"

God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."

So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I did that Adam so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"

"Well, Adam no. I did that so that she could love you."

2007-02-06 07:37:44 · 15 answers · asked by theo 2

In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.

Since then, weddings have been held there, and times haven't changed at all!

2007-02-06 07:35:50 · 9 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

2007-02-06 07:33:54 · 14 answers · asked by amk5376 1

A woman guest approaches the bar in a small restaurant.

She calls the guy at the bar and when he is standing in front of her, she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer. Then she bends over the desk and starts to caress his beard. 'Are you the owner of this place?' she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.

'Ehhh. No. Not at all!' he replies.

'Would you please call him here?' the lady asks and gently touches his hair.

'Oh, I'm very sorry. But no. Impossible!' the man sighs.

'Would you then please do me a great favour?' the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips.

'Of course. What ever you wish!' the man moans.

'I want to leave a message for the boss!' she says and let first one - then two - fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on.

'What message?' he asks with the two fingers in his mouth.

'Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel in the lady's room!'

2007-02-06 07:33:35 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

What did one old boob say to the other?
"If we don't get some support soon,they going to think we're Nuts"

2007-02-06 07:33:15 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.

Now, why can't you do that?"

"Gosh," Jack says, "why I hardly know the girl."

2007-02-06 07:30:55 · 12 answers · asked by ♥gigi♥ 7

Take away the supply teachers!!! Ha!

2007-02-06 07:29:45 · 10 answers · asked by purplesuperus 1

There was once a Trini and a Guyanese who lived next door to each other. The Trini owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day the Trini looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Guyanese's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Guyanese pick up the egg.

The Trini ran up to the Guyanese and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Guyanese disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Trini said, "Back home, we normally solve disputes by the following actions:
I kick you in your kook-a-looks and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the kook-a-looks and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Guyanese agreed to this and so the Trini went inside and found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Guyanese and kicked him as hard as he could in the balls.

POW!

The Guyanese fell to the floor clutching his groin howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Guyanese stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you,"

The Trini said, "Nah, keep the egg."

2007-02-06 07:27:02 · 14 answers · asked by bootygirl 2

hes meat balls realy are the dog bollarks

2007-02-06 07:26:04 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dumb Irish guy named Mike was traveling in a crowded bus. He was carrying a passport size photograph of himself. Accidentally, the photograph fell down from his pocket. He started searching for it frantically & found it on the floor, below the ends of a lady’s skirt. He asked her "Could you lift your skirt? I want to take a photograph..." The rest is history. He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted to hospital.

He was surprised to see his dumb friend Jimmy on the bed next to him, in a worse condition. Jimmy explained what happened to him. He had gone to a remote village to work. He finished late and missed the last bus. He couldn't find any hotel. So he approached a nearby house and asked the Owner whether he can stay there for the night.

The Owner replied "I have two grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow you to stay."

He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the night.

The Owner replied, "I have three grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow you to stay."

He went to the next house and asked:" Do you have "grown up" daughters as well?"

The Owner asked, “WHY?????????"

Jimmy replied, "I wanted to stay here for a night..." The rest is history!!!

2007-02-06 07:24:37 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-06 07:24:36 · 18 answers · asked by Renee D 4

Five things to say if you're caught sleeping at your desk

5. They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time
management course you sent me to."

3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here
just in time."

2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you
put your ear down real close?"

AND THE NUMBER ONE BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

1. Raise your head slowly and say "Amen."

2007-02-06 07:22:46 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Give ur comments plzzz.
This happened about a year or two ago near Lonavala, and even though it sounds like something out of the X Files or from Alfred Hitchcock Presents... it's real !

This guy drives from Mumbai to Pune and decides not to take the new expressway as he wants to see the scenery.

The inevitable happens and when he reaches the ghats his car breaks down - he's stranded miles from nowhere. Having no choice he starts walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest human abitation.

It's dark and raining and pretty soon he's wet and shivering.
The night rolls on and no car goes by, the monsoon rains are so strong he can hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he sees a car coming towards him.

It slows and then stops next to him - without thinking the guy opens the car's door and jumps in. Seated in the back, he leans forward to thank the person who had saved him when he realizes! There is nobody behind the wheel!!

Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming (remember, this is in the hills and there is a steep, steep drop beyond the curve).

Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life.

He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel!

The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they are before a curve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get the car around each bend.

Finally, the guy sees lights ahead.
Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard as he can towards the lights.

It's a small town. Wet and in shock goes to a roadside dha! bba, which is open, and asks for a drink. They find some hooch and give him a shot, he starts telling whoever is in the dhabba about the horrible experience he's just been through.

A silence envelops everybody when they realize the guy isn't drunk, and is really frightened he's crying and shaking.

So they give him more hooch and talk about what they should do, whether to call the Cops or find a priest, or what.

But just then two guys walk into the dhabba, and one says to the other "Look, that's the jerk that got in the car when we were pushing it."

2007-02-06 07:20:48 · 12 answers · asked by geniuswithU 2

2007-02-06 07:16:58 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too

2007-02-06 07:13:26 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

HOW

2007-02-06 07:12:51 · 9 answers · asked by hfhf h 1

woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features...of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?"

2007-02-06 07:10:26 · 2 answers · asked by postypaul 3

??? anyone know how?

2007-02-06 07:10:11 · 22 answers · asked by wolvie 6

A dog, A cat, and a penis are sitting around a campfire one night.the dog say's ," my life sucks.My master makes me piss on a fire hydrant." The cat says' "you think that's bad ? I have to take a dump in a box of sand ."Outraged, the penis says ," at least your masters don't put a bag over your head and make you do push-ups until you throw up!!!!

2007-02-06 07:08:57 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not come
in to work and had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with
one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and
was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No,"

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes,"

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No,"

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the
boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy" whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered "The search team just landed a helicopter,"

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are
they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...


"ME"

2007-02-06 07:06:40 · 15 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

..when she hears her husband coming in."Quick!," she says to her lover,"There's no time to get dressed.Stand in the corner and I'll cover you with talcum powder."

In comes the husband and he immediately asks,"Is that a new statue?" "That's right," replies the wife, "The Smiths had one in their bedroom and I liked it so much I got one,too."

The husband says nothing else,but gets into bed,leaving the "statue" standing as still as he can in the corner. Around four in the morning,the husband gets up and comes back with a cup of tea and a plate of biscuits,which he puts down beside the "statue".
"There," he says,"have a biscuit. I was stuck in the Smiths' bedroom for three days,and nobody offered me so much as a drink of water."

2007-02-06 07:04:42 · 19 answers · asked by Boo 2

woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features...of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?"

2007-02-06 06:59:32 · 3 answers · asked by postypaul 3

Two worms were digging in the ground. The first worm said,"How are ya doing?" The second worm replied.....

So how's the worm doing? Give me a good punch line, and we'll see how the joke goes!

2007-02-06 06:58:11 · 13 answers · asked by i_miss_sherry_07 1

A Nurse walks into a bank to cash a check.
She pulls a rectal thermometer out of
her purse and tries to write with it. She
looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says,
"Well, that's great..........
that's really great..........
some asshole has my pen."

2007-02-06 06:52:38 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Big gloves.

2007-02-06 06:46:39 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

If they're not upright they're grand

2007-02-06 06:41:20 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous