Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

2007-02-06 12:05:45 · 10 answers · asked by ghostguff3 2

Did you hear about the emo grass?
It cut itself.

2007-02-06 12:04:00 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Honey I'm home."

2007-02-06 12:03:17 · 59 answers · asked by Chris Bailey 2

Was Angus McCapup really a Scottish cloakroom attentant?

2007-02-06 11:42:10 · 12 answers · asked by δώδεκα 5

2007-02-06 11:38:08 · 7 answers · asked by j_dub864 1

when bernard matthews was asked what he was going to do with all his turkeys, that had contracted bird flu, he said, "Im injecting them with parkinsons, in the hope they can shake it off".

2007-02-06 11:18:40 · 14 answers · asked by hairyegg25 3

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why cant woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my names Bob. Im an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think ill squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligans Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why cant he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? Theyre both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesnt he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that theres billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you theres wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ***?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

2007-02-06 11:00:12 · 2 answers · asked by Poker Face 6

2007-02-06 10:51:44 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-06 10:48:59 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

of a belt. “Don’t you start anything!” she warned..

2007-02-06 10:48:25 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

How smelly was the smelliest poo youve ever done?

2007-02-06 10:48:22 · 3 answers · asked by somebodysfool316 2

comments appreciated

2007-02-06 10:43:45 · 14 answers · asked by roberto 1

Spotted in the toilet of a London office: "Toilet out of order. Please use floor below."

In a Laundromat: "Automatic washing machines. Remove all your clothes when the light goes out."

In a London department store: "Bargain Basement upstairs."

In an office: "Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday bring it back, or further steps will be taken."

In an office: "After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board."

Outside a secondhand shop: "We exchange everything -- bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?"

Notice in health food shop window: "Closed due to illness."

Spotted in a safari park: "Elephants stay in your car."

Seen during a conference: "For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care center on the 1st floor."

Notice in a farmer's field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."

Message on a leaflet: "If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons."

On a repair shop door: "We can repair anything. Please knock on the door -- the bell doesn't work."

2007-02-06 10:38:56 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A girl came skipping home from school one day. 'Mummy, Mummy,' she shouted, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," She shouted, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she shouted, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"

"No, darling, it's because you're 25."

2007-02-06 10:38:14 · 21 answers · asked by Quady 3

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To "I love you."


When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.


Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of your choice.


The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.


At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.


Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.


Tanks would be far easier to rent.


Garbage would take itself out.


Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."


more to follow???

2007-02-06 10:33:31 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Okay im still working but tellme what u think......
YO mama is so dumb she locked herself in the bathroom and peed her pants.
Yo mama is so fat, her shadow weighs 50 pounds.
Yo mama is so dumb she locked herself in the grocery store and starved to death.
Yo mama is sooo old that jesus was in her graduation-heiroglyphic

2007-02-06 10:27:48 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.

He asked his father, "How does this boat float"?

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breathe underwater"?

Once again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later, the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue"?

Again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind me asking you all of these questions"?

"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"

2007-02-06 10:23:17 · 6 answers · asked by steve 5

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particulary sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice the light had changed.
It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never had noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind me started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, Go! Go!" What an excelent chearleader he was for the Lord. Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.

Give me a star and come back in 15 min. I'm runing out of space!

2007-02-06 10:18:42 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Kidney dialasis machine....

2007-02-06 10:16:12 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-06 10:11:36 · 19 answers · asked by Graymalkin 1

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.



If these make you cringe, just think about me having to type them out.
Keep smilin’.

2007-02-06 10:10:35 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

u guess

2007-02-06 10:06:36 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

????????????? know the answer??? :)

2007-02-06 10:02:46 · 9 answers · asked by Captivated 4

i'm just bored and i want to be entertained by your funniness (if there is anyone more funnier than moi--which i do not think so). but anyways, say anything that is funny--a joke, whatever. but if it is inappropriate, i will report you to the reporting people. so make it be PG rated and put on your funny bones.

2007-02-06 09:55:59 · 8 answers · asked by bobiska 2

boo

2007-02-06 09:52:43 · 9 answers · asked by ilovedogsandcats17 3

2007-02-06 09:52:17 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

If Peter Piper picked a patch of pickled peppers, how many peppers did Peter Piper pick???

2007-02-06 09:43:23 · 4 answers · asked by Simple Plan Fan 3

what stinks when living and smells good when dead?

2007-02-06 09:42:19 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man is stuck in a cabin he has only got one match,and he needs to light these objects-a coal fire, a parrafin lamp,and a candle, in order to light all of these objects which one must he light first?

2007-02-06 09:40:28 · 24 answers · asked by stacie_yst 3

Run like hell because she has a hand grenade in her mouth.

2007-02-06 09:38:51 · 15 answers · asked by cereal killer 5