Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

2007-02-06 17:38:24 · 20 answers · asked by meggie 1

Any chance of a light, mate?

No

Oh, come on, why not?

Look, you look kind of familiar, if I give you a light we'll start chatting, and maybe we'll find out we served together in the Army. I'll buy you one, you'll buy me one, in fact we'll have several.
Before you know it. it's throwing out time, and you'll be unfit to drive home, so I'll put you up at my place.
In the night you'll need the loo. You'll walk past my daughter's room, the door will be open and she will be awake. You'll start talking. Before you know it, you'r in bed together, She'll fall pregnant and you won't marry her!

Yes I will!!!

No you won't, because you'r not having a light!!!

2007-02-06 17:29:13 · 21 answers · asked by lulu 6

no really think about it

2007-02-06 17:28:58 · 23 answers · asked by Nasty,2 1

I was riding to my friends’ house for a party when I just remembered
I had to get a couple of six packs of beer. I decided to quickly park in
front of a store & get the stuff. As I rush out, I found a cop writing a
parking ticket.

“Oh man, can’t you give a guy a break?” “It’s a brand new car.”

The officers’ mouth stays zipped as he continues writing in his pad
without ever once looking me in the face.

“…what a jerk”, I mumbled through my teeth.

He gave me one glance & went back to writing. I leaned over to
have a look.

1.Parking in a no parking zone.
2.Insulting an officer.

I was furious!

“Well looky here officer, hows about this broken side view mirror huh?”
“Gonna put that down too jerk?”

He checks the mirror, looks at me & returns to his pad.

I had enough!
I turned away, shook my head, picked up my bicycle & rode off!

Man, some people!

2007-02-06 17:22:44 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-06 17:17:25 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

best gets ten points, and no corniness please

2007-02-06 17:04:11 · 14 answers · asked by sarah 2

ok , i tried this on my fiancai last night . i told him no one can eat six of those soup crackers in one minute and he went on and on and on about how easy it would be so we set the timer on the stove and he tried shoving all of them in his mouth... he was done at 1 min 12 secs.... then he tried eating two at a time... he realized it took him 12 secs to eat two so he said forget it.... can anyone do it???

2007-02-06 16:56:22 · 9 answers · asked by tammy 1

The leaders of a town wanted to increase attendance at the town hall meetings since attendance had been really low as of late. They decided to invite a hypnotist as an entertainer to increase attendance and they advertised his presense all around town.

The next meeting was packed. After the hall filled, the hypnotist went to the front of the room, faced the assembly, and pulled out his watch. He began swinging it back and forth, telling everyone to stare at the watch and things like that.

Everyone in the audience became hypnotized. However, before the hypnotist stopped swinging, he accidently dropped the watch.

"S**t!!!", the hypnotist exclaimed.

It took several weeks to clean up the town hall.

2007-02-06 16:31:42 · 12 answers · asked by Steady As She Goes 2

Counterfeiter
A counterfeiter decided that the easiest way to pass off his phony $18 bills would be to unload them in some small rural town, so he drove until he found a tiny town with a single general merchandise store.

He entered the store, went up to the counter, and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Could you change this for me, please?"

The store clerk looked at the bill for a few seconds then smiled at the man. "Of course I can. Would you prefer two $9 bills or three $6 bills?"

2007-02-06 16:24:53 · 11 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

if a pizza boy was delivering a pizza and got pulled over and the cop found drugs and took him to jail would another pizza boy have to go a pick up the pizzas and deliver them him self?

2007-02-06 16:23:29 · 12 answers · asked by sexyeastgrad18 1

Ouch.





lmao..for some reason i couldnt stop laughing at that joke!

2007-02-06 16:18:41 · 14 answers · asked by Ashleyxo 3

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a big brothel and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"

2007-02-06 15:59:13 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Malika Serawat starts wearing full clothes in all her films ?

2007-02-06 15:58:27 · 20 answers · asked by sweetie 3

If you're an American when you go INTO the restroom and you're an American when you come OUT of the restroom, what are you WHILE you are IN the restroom?

2007-02-06 15:45:13 · 12 answers · asked by scruffycat 7

"Who's your proctologist?," what does the dummy say?

2007-02-06 15:37:19 · 4 answers · asked by Heyjay 4

a husband is worry about getting something 4 his wife on val-day.so he goes to his fav bar 4 some ideas.he tells his fav bartender 4 ideas.the bartender says" y dont u get her some flowers?"husband.no.i gave flowers 2years ago.a guy over heard the problem n said." get her a necklace or perfume."husband said "i gave her a necklace last year." a black guy also over heard the story n said." y dont u get her a love song?".husband responds." wat do u reccommed?black guy says"I LIKE BIG BUTTS N I CANT NOT LIE"=)

2007-02-06 15:35:57 · 9 answers · asked by cutespanishhomeboy 1

A man in the desert prays for GOD to give him something to survive, so GOD gives him a camel, but tells him that HALILUA is to go and AMEN is to stop. So a couple hours later the guy see's that the camel is heading toward a cliff. The man prays: "Lord, please make this camel stop. AMEN" Then suddenly the camel stops a few inches from the edge of the cliff. As a sign of relief he says HALILUA.....



Get it??

2007-02-06 15:35:37 · 14 answers · asked by Stefik 2

John rows his boat at the same speed. He left his front porch one morning rowing upstream. When he was one mile from his house his hat fell off and landed in the water. It was an old hat so he continued rowing. Ten minutes later he remembered that he had a $1 bill stuck inside that old hat so he turned (without losing any speed) down river. He caught up with his hat just as it bumped up against the front of his porch. What was the speed of the river current that morning in mph?? and why? I can't solve this problem and would like some help : ).

2007-02-06 15:31:03 · 6 answers · asked by Luis L 2

special power can be made up

2007-02-06 15:16:21 · 5 answers · asked by Harry M 1

Nana(banana) of Power
The Sacred Cracker
The Cheese of Youth

2007-02-06 14:52:04 · 11 answers · asked by Warriors Harvest 1

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps.

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him.

The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a "pinata"?

2007-02-06 14:47:32 · 7 answers · asked by jcturtle001 4

Why do people get upset at my bumper sticker?
" I DRINK GRAPE JUICE BECAUSE OJ KILLS."

2007-02-06 14:32:59 · 21 answers · asked by Jim R 4

Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
>>>Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very
>>>well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him
>>>if he could arrange a divorce for him.
>>>
>>>The lawyer said "Why do you want this divorce?"
>>>She is going to kill me.
>>>
>>>What makes you think that?
>>>I got proof.
>>>
>>>What kind of proof?
>>>She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle at drugstore and
>>>put on
>>>shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says: "Polish Remover"

2007-02-06 14:29:10 · 43 answers · asked by Stefik 2

im' shitfdced rigr now.... dare me to do somethinf... make my night more interesting!!!

2007-02-06 14:28:32 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

how can fire a dual agent and still purchase a house?

2007-02-06 14:24:40 · 11 answers · asked by Beautiful had a BOY on 3.7.09!!! 3

2007-02-06 14:18:49 · 13 answers · asked by Stefik 2

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and of course, the power went
off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word
known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files
from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

"JESUS SAVES"

2007-02-06 14:16:22 · 16 answers · asked by RidiculousTallness 5

2007-02-06 14:07:44 · 13 answers · asked by blackshiny_rosa 1

- My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.
- How is she now ?
- She's fine. But the dog died.

2007-02-06 13:59:12 · 15 answers · asked by russia 3

what happens when you cross a singer and a rocking chair? -- you rock to the beat.

how do you mend a broken jack o lantern? -- with a pumpkin patch.

what do you call a lease of false teeth? -- a dental rental

Where did the kittens go on the class trip -- to the meow-seum.

What goes tick-tock, woof-woof? -- a watchdog

What did the art dealer say when a mann asked what a picture was supposed to be? -- a reflection of you.

what did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date? -- shore

What falls down but never gets hurt -- snow

What kind of brush do you use to comb a bee's hair? -- a honey comb

How do you get a peanut to laugh? -- you crack it up

Who greets you at a haunted house? -- a host ghost

Why did the farmer bury all his money? -- to make his soil rich

Where can you find an ocean without water? -- on a map

What do you call a horse that likes arts & crafts? -- a hobby horse

Why do shoemakers go to heaven? Because they have good soles

What do you call an avid gardener? -- herb

If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does chicken come from? -- a poul-tree

What do you get when you cross a grape with a lion? -- a grape nobody picks on

What did the tree say to the mountain? -- stop peaking at me

What are sailors' favorite fruits? -- naval oranges

Where does a penguin keep his money? -- in a snow bank

What did the boy chip say to the girl chip (crisp for the brits)? -- Lets dance and I'll dip you

Why do bees have sticky hair -- they use honeycombs

Why did the reporter go into the icecream shop? -- he wanted to get the
scoop

Why was it hard for the geometry teacher to walk? -- she broke her angle

What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips? -- a chipmonk

What kind of trees sew? -- pine trees, they always have needles around

What did the plate say to the other plate? -- lunch is on me.

What did the man say whin the picture fell on his head? -- I've been framed

did you hear about the mummies who went to the theater? -- They gave the actors stage fright

How do you turn soup into gold? -- add 24 carrots (karats)

What do sneezes wear on their feet? -- ahh-shoes

What do wolves say when they are introduced? -- howl do you do.

What does a car run on? -- wheels

What did the sink say to the water faucet? -- you're a real drip

where do pigs park ther cars? -- in a porking lot

Why did the banana leave the cinema-the film didn't appeal to him

Why did the little cookie (biscut) cry? -- because his mother was a wafer so long

What do you call a hot dog in a bun? -- an in betweenie weenie

Why did the rabbit eat lunch under the sink -- He found a leek there

How do you make a witch itch? -- take away her W

What do you call two guys fighting over a prostitute? -- tug of whore
*ok, so that was mine. Just threw it in to see if you were paying attention*

What do you call a crab who plays baseball -- a pinch-hitter

What is the clumsiest bee? -- a bumbling bee

What kind of bean can't grow? -- a jelly bean

Whats green and fluffy and comes from mars -- a martian mellow

how does a man on the moon get his hair cut? -- eclipse it

What do you do when you have no rubber bands? -- find a plastic orchestra

-- -- -- -- and some old favorites -- -- -- -- -- -

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? -- time to get a new fence

What is green, red, and runs 100 mph? -- a frog in a blender

What is yellow, has wheels and lies on its back? -- a dead school bus

Why did the man throw his margarine? -- he wanted to see the butter fly

What did the finger say to the thumb? -- I'm in glove with you (heather's favorite)

whats brown and sticky? -- a stick

whats red and not there -- no tomatoes

Whats white and flies through the sky? -- the coming of the lord

What do you get when you cross a turkey with a penguin? -- a very cross penguin

2007-02-06 13:55:22 · 4 answers · asked by moneyman_0101 2