Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

There was a death on Treebark Ln. The victim was identified as Mark Oswalt, who recently was married. The police went to the crime scene and they reported the death as a suicide.

Later that day, after the police left, a private detective, hired by the victim's friend who thought it was a murder, searched the crime scene and found a note the police missed.

It read,

"4,3: 8,1:_: 9,1: 2,1: 7,4:_: 6,1:9,3:_: 9,1: 4,3: 3,3: 3,2: !"

The detective took out his cell phone and started dialing the police to tell them about his findings. Once the detective opened the phone to dial he immediately screamed out, "I SOLVED IT!"

Who was the murderer and how did the detective find out?

2007-02-07 01:49:51 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was once a college that offered a class on probability applied to the real world.

The class was relatively easy, but there was a catch. There were no homework assignments or tests, but there was a final exam that would have only one question on it.

When everyone received the test it was a blank sheet of paper with a solitary question on it: "What is risk?"

Most students were able to pass, but only one student received 100% for the class! Even stranger was that he only wrote down one word!

2007-02-07 01:47:10 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

One snowy night, Sherlock Holmes was in his house sitting by a fire. All of a sudden a snowball came crashing through his window, breaking it.
Holmes got up and looked out the window just in time to see three neighborhood kids who were brothers run around a corner. Their names were John Crimson, Mark Crimson and Paul Crimson.
The next day Holmes got a note on his door that read "? Crimson. He broke your window."
Which of the three Crimson brothers should Sherlock Holmes question about the incident?

2007-02-07 01:45:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

You are a prisoner sentenced to death. The Emperor offers you a chance to live by playing a simple game. He gives you 50 black marbles, 50 white marbles and 2 empty bowls. He then says, "Divide these 100 marbles into these 2 bowls. You can divide them any way you like as long as you use all the marbles. Then I will blindfold you and mix the bowls around. You then can choose one bowl and remove ONE marble. If the marble is WHITE you will live, but if the marble is BLACK... you will die."

How do you divide the marbles up so that you have the greatest probability of choosing a WHITE marble?

2007-02-07 01:43:56 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Do you remember The Waltons?
"night John-boy!"
They were wierd

2007-02-07 01:31:04 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

This Cowboy is riding the range when he gets ambushed by some indians. They take him back to their villiage to see the chief. The Chief looks at the cowboy and says:
"You White man, you will die at sundown, but Chief is not as evil as white man, so you gettum three wishes.

" What is your first wish?, The cowboy looks around, thinks, then, with a gulp, say: "well, can i talk to my horse o' great chief?
"The Chief looks puzzled, laughs to his tribe and says "he-he, sure white man you can talk to your horse".

So the cowboy goes to his horse and wispers in it's ear, the horse looks puzzled, but then with bright eyes it gallops off in a cloud of dust. The Indians just sit and laugh at the cowboy for wasting his wish. BUT, all of a sudden the horse returns with a Blonde riding upon its back. The indians look amazed. The chief grins, points to a secluded Teepee. The cowboy now looks embarrassed, so he takes the blonde and goes into the teepee. An hour later he comes out and says, "Chief, can i talk to my horse again"? The chief says sure, but that be wish number two. Ok says the cowboy.

The cowboys goes to the horse and once again wispers into it's ear, and with a gallop the horse is off!... 15 minutes later, the horse returns, this time having a Brunnette aboard. Once again the cowboy is shown the secluded teepee.

An hour later the cowboy comes out, obivously tired now, with only a few hours left before sundown. He looks to the chief, and before he says a word, the chief grins and says "Sure crazy white man you can talk to your horse.."

So the cowboy goes to the horse and GRABS him by the ear and yells

"LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT,...I SAID - GO GET A POSSE!!!"

2007-02-07 01:23:04 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

O.k ... A monk was walking to the showers in the monastery hwen one of the other monks said Hey will you grab me a bar of soap on the way there... So he said yes and started walking the other way to get it ( naked)... Then he got scared because he saw 3 nuns walking down the passage he was going thru... so he saw some statues against the wall And he froze just like one... Then one of the nuns said..Hey this looks sooo lifelike...So she reached down and pulled his Ding-dong and the monk in pain dropped a bar of soap,then the other nun tried it too and the same thing happened..Now the 3rd nun said Well thats soo cool its a soap dispenser I wanna try too.. So she pulled ....but nothing happened..Then she pulled really hard and Then she yelled out

COOL its a LOTION dispenser too!!!!!!!!!!

2007-02-07 01:22:33 · 9 answers · asked by Victoria Isabella 2

One day a man went on a buissness trip to Florida.

He had saw this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?"

The hooker replied "100 Bucks"

The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of got damn money"

So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs."

So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had.

The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a head job?"

She said "200 dollars"

"200 dollars that's a lot of money"

She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yahat by the pier, I paid for that yahat by giving head jobs."

So he gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life

On hist last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package."

"1000 dollars'

"1000 dollars that's a lot of god damn money"

So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if i had a Vagina."

2007-02-07 01:14:49 · 6 answers · asked by neilhollydood 1

My names is roger ian Scotter and my name makes meny words up from it.
like it (computing comes to mind) con nice ect what i want is people to come up with as meny as possable as most of the ones i have came up with are mostly true about me and i just struggling to find morwe but will think of one every so often but then i want you to do the same with your self (if ya willing to put your name here) the person who comes up with more of the ones i havnot found will get my vote for best... some are rather scary!

2007-02-07 01:10:17 · 10 answers · asked by dodgeboynorwich 4

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

"Ok, now take off my skirt..." and he takes off her skirt. "Now take off my bra..." which he does. "And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." And when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

2007-02-07 01:07:42 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

so there was this boy, it was his birthday he begged his mom to go to the shower w/ her, she said okay just not to look up or down, he went, he looked, he asked "mom what are those?" "those are my headlights son" she said....."mom what's that?" "that's my garden" she said. Then his dad came home and he did the same thing to him...."dad what's that?" he asked looking down "that's my snake son." answered his father.
so at night the boy asked if he could sleep with them, they said okay...at night the boy wakes up and screams out "mom! mom! turn on ur headlights there's a snake in ur garden!"

2007-02-07 01:02:47 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is a saying the my father used and was brought up with in North Glasgow.

2007-02-07 01:00:56 · 12 answers · asked by duddlesac 1

Life is all about as s ... think about it.


You're either covering it,


laughing it off,


kicking it,


kissing it,


busting it,


or behaving it like one!"

2007-02-07 01:00:49 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-07 00:56:22 · 11 answers · asked by astrowulf2002 2

Dishes.

Dishes, who?

Dishes the police. Open up!

2007-02-07 00:54:34 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother board an airplane with her young son. Once seated the son turns to the mother and asks "If big cats can make baby cats, and big dogs can make baby dogs, then how come big planes can't make baby planes?" After thinking about it the mother told the son to go ask the stewardess. The boy gets up and goes to the stewardess and asks the same question, "If big cats can make baby cats, and big dogs can make baby dogs, then howcome big planes can't make baby planes?" . The stewardess looks at the boy and asks him if his mother told him to come and ask her that and he says yes, so the stewardess tells the boy
"Big planes don't make baby planes because TA knows how to pull out on time.. go ask your mother to explain that".

2007-02-07 00:52:50 · 10 answers · asked by TmB 3

A secretary walked into her boss's office & said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you." "Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once." "Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."

2007-02-07 00:43:34 · 10 answers · asked by Tish P 6

walks over 2 the counter slowly with his guiode dog... but he dint see the "WET FLOOR" sign so he slips and falls breaking his spine in 6 places and shatters piercing the lungs then his head suffers intense trauma after a laceration on the left side with immense internal bleeding after the veinus corpina vein is incarcarated and the bag he was holding was his life savings for his children plus his wallet hidden in his shoes is stolen by the armed robbers who were holding up the bank who had a bulldog/alsatian/and someother horror dog breed i forget which mauls on the blindmans guidedog tho dismembered the guide dog is stillalive so the horrordog gets a gun(highly trained dog. Ex army) and shoots the mutilated dog to death...reloads and kills it 2death and finally takes its life till its nomore alive so they go to heaven and theres a no pets allowed sign on the door so the dog is killed to death coz he was stepping next to a trespassers will be anihilated sign.If u read althis ur bored

2007-02-07 00:38:23 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.
"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.
My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.
So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.
But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"
After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"

2007-02-07 00:32:16 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-07 00:32:03 · 7 answers · asked by malcolmg 6

I need some new material for work, any suggestions. Thanks!!

2007-02-07 00:30:51 · 3 answers · asked by southforty1961 3

The Blue Pigeon

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix. The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix couldn't walk on the sidewalks or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me five million dollars and ask one question." The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition. The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon. They gathered up behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city. The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5 million just to get to ask ONE question!

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question.

The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"

2007-02-07 00:30:33 · 5 answers · asked by davidsch62 2

The lion said when i roar the whole jungle shakes , and the chicken replied whe i cough the? the word sh**s its self

2007-02-07 00:18:24 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road when he is pulled over by a cop
"Where have you been?" Asks the policeman

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."

"I shurrre did" the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few junctions back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Thank God for that" said the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I was deaf"

2007-02-07 00:17:08 · 9 answers · asked by Jay A 3

Here is a funny joke for you..........

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ***!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.

2007-02-07 00:16:18 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three preachers and their wives were flying to a religious function. The plane crashes and everyone is killed.

The first couple reaches the pearly gates and the preacher asks St. Peter "Is there room for he and his wife"? St. Peter says, " I don't think so, you've always thought about drinking so much you married a lady named Brandy".

The second preacher asks the same question and St. Peter said, "No room for you either, you were so money hungry you married a lady named Penny".

The next preacher looks at his wife and says, "Come on Fanny, we don't stand a chance".

2007-02-07 00:13:56 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

2007-02-07 00:07:11 · 17 answers · asked by Tish P 6

Why dont oysters give to charity because there shellfish. was that funny?

2007-02-07 00:06:34 · 16 answers · asked by philip k 1

Paddy and Murphy are stranded in the middle of the ocean with no food or drinking water.
When they see a lamp floating in the water,
They pick it up and rub it, and a Genie pops out.
The Genie says " i will give you one wish "
To which Paddy replies " I wish all of the sea was made of Whisky " His wish came true and the Genie vanished.
Then Murphy said to Paddy " what the hell did you do that for, Now we have to wee in the Boat.

2007-02-06 23:51:18 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-06 23:47:20 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous