Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

And how often do you need to parallel park, anyway?

2007-02-07 06:54:44 · 11 answers · asked by Lori 4

How long does it take an astonaut to get from houston to miami?

DEPENDS!

2007-02-07 06:53:11 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

The riddle is:
There are three words in the English language that end in "gry". ONE
is angry and the other is hungry. EveryONE knows
what the third ONE means and what it stands for.
EveryONE uses them everyday, and if you listened
very carefully, I've given you the third word. What
is it? _______gry?

2007-02-07 06:52:26 · 11 answers · asked by flyychyc 1

Legal answers only, please. Also, "you" can be either singular or plural. Thanks!

2007-02-07 06:48:20 · 18 answers · asked by Asking&Receiving 3

There was a magic mirror and if you lied to it you disappeared.

A redhead went up to it and said, "I think I'm the prettiest girl in the world," and she disappeared.

Then a brunette went up to it and said, "I think I'm the smartest girl in the world," and she disappeared.

Finally a blonde girl went up to it and said, "I think..." and disappeared.

2007-02-07 06:38:03 · 66 answers · asked by Tink 5

I got on the bus yesterday, at the bus station like normal, sat down and started reading my paper.

This stranger comes up to me and says that I was in his seat and I would have to move !!

I asked him what he meant and he said that everyday that he goes to work he sits there and that he has to sit there

I thought he was having a laugh so I told him I was staying put and wasn't going to move for him or anybody else for that matter

He started getting a bit angry and continued 'C'mon ! - You don't understand I have to sit in that seat, I must sit there every time I go to work

And I said O.K then - I didn't want to drive the bus anyway !!

2007-02-07 06:35:33 · 18 answers · asked by Flying Scotsman 2

Q: Why do blondes wear panties ?

A: To keep their ankles warm !


Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?

A: The hide-and-go-seek winner


Q: why did the blonde girl have bruise on her belly button
A: because blonde men arent that smart either


How do you drown a blonde?

Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool!


Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"


Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"


Q: Why was there lipstick on the blonds stearing wheel?

A: She tried to blow the horn!



Ooh I`ll hang my head!!

2007-02-07 06:35:02 · 44 answers · asked by Tink 5

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil." The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first-time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the Limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled Immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and just told me how good it was going to be but he never actually did a damned thing."

2007-02-07 06:34:05 · 13 answers · asked by COblonde 3

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane.

The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave.

The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off;

The blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.

The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat.

The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

2007-02-07 06:30:44 · 36 answers · asked by jamie 2

Evening guys.


One day a blonde lady was driving around in her groovy BMW with the wind in her hair and there was a truk next to her and she was nearly driving it off the cliff, so the truck driver came out of his truck and drew a circle in the sand and told the blonde to get out of her car and stand in the circle. She was standing in the circle and the guy was bashing up her car! The guy turned around and looked at the blonde and she was laughing! So he kept bashing the car and she kept laughing. He asked her why and she said, "while you were bashing my
car i was jumping in and out of the circle!"

2007-02-07 06:30:18 · 29 answers · asked by Tink 5

2007-02-07 06:25:43 · 9 answers · asked by nnrj15 1

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did.
Not like the screaming passengers in his car!

2007-02-07 06:18:52 · 17 answers · asked by Lori 4

A blonde was down on her luck.

In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I’ve kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The blonde pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

2007-02-07 06:16:36 · 17 answers · asked by jamie 2

The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it -- including the rabbit -- and make no apologies. "The rabbit had it coming."

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

2007-02-07 06:15:45 · 10 answers · asked by scott d 1

I will give 10 points to the person who tells me the best joke. Joke will be rated on how creative it is, how hard it makes me laugh, and on how many people I can tell it to!

Now, tell me something funny!

2007-02-07 06:12:59 · 18 answers · asked by Brandi N 2

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.

2007-02-07 06:09:07 · 21 answers · asked by jamie 2

A Texas redneck was stopped by a game warden in East Texas recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a river well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim' round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of bull! Fish can't do that!"

The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay." says the warden, "I've GOT to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the redneck.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?”

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

2007-02-07 05:53:57 · 10 answers · asked by Krazykraut 3

Thabo Mbeki, Robert Mugabe and Trevor Manual are all flying in Thabo Mbeki's plane and Thabo says" i can throw R500 note out and make one person extremely happy". Robert says" i can throw 5 R100 notes out and make 5 people extremely happy." And while trevor manual is talking, the pilot tunes his friend" listen to those idiots in the back. i can throw them all out of the plane and make the whole Fu**ing country happy

2007-02-07 05:47:53 · 9 answers · asked by Megan H 2

people have been getting bodies from the local morgue and have not been paying for them.

the manager was shock to be discovered but the police said that people leaving with coffins on their roof racks was a dead giveaway.....

x

2007-02-07 05:40:33 · 20 answers · asked by aria 5

bloke playing golf , ball in the bunker ,kicks the sand away (finds this little lamp) blows the sand off , out pops a genie !!
hi ! you can have three wishes !
oh nice one , ok "wait said the genie ,i must warn you what ever you wish for your wife gets double !!!
ok ok i want to be the best golfer in the world !!
yes said the genie but you are now second best ,your wife is no 1
ok ok i want to be the richest person on the planet!
yes said the genie but now you are second ! your wife is the richest !!
right the bloke says could you sort out a mild heart attack for me !!

2007-02-07 05:39:46 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

If Peter Piper picked a pack of pickled peppers how many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick???

This isnt just a tongue twister it's a riddle.

2007-02-07 05:38:00 · 22 answers · asked by Simple Plan Fan 3

The punch line is "i left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco"
Thanks!!!

2007-02-07 05:37:58 · 7 answers · asked by diannegoodwin@sbcglobal.net 7

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

2007-02-07 05:35:39 · 13 answers · asked by jamie 2

No I will not ask Derek Acorah!

2007-02-07 05:31:02 · 13 answers · asked by Dustbowl Blues 3

has to be british currency and cant be made up money. e.g two fifteen pence coins.

2007-02-07 05:08:48 · 10 answers · asked by mr.coli1981 1

if you had 3 wishes,what 3 things would you wish for. it cant be to have more wishes! best answer gets 10 pts

2007-02-07 05:01:01 · 33 answers · asked by Ms.J 2

It "depends"..............

2007-02-07 04:41:00 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why are black ppl so tall

2007-02-07 04:38:13 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

What would be changed if Laloo Prasad becomes India's Prime Minister:


1. National Anthem : Khana Pina Adhik Zaroorat hai...
2. National Attire : Dhoti & Kurta
3. National Drink : Fresh Buffalo Milk
4. National Animal : Buffalo, from Bihar
5. National Sport : Milking Buffalo (morning) Buffalo Race (evening)
6. Corporate Language : Enlish-va
7. National Toy : A. K. 58
8. National Family Planning Policy : Hum Do, Humare Dozen
9. National Documentry Film : Laloo Ban Gaya Gentleman
10. National Vehicle : Buffalo Cart
11. National Recreation : Pro-creation

Laloo's Slogan:

Jab Tak Rahega Samosa Me Aloo,
Tab Tak Rahega Hamara P.M. Laloo

2007-02-07 04:31:06 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you`re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year`s work looks the same as today`s work; it`s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you`ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4 Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don`t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing-- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That`s the way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you`re hardworking and conscientious even though you`re being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls

2007-02-07 04:18:47 · 8 answers · asked by bootygirl 2