What's the funniest joke that you've ever heard?

Question

I will give 10 points to the person who tells me the best joke. Joke will be rated on how creative it is, how hard it makes me laugh, and on how many people I can tell it to!

Now, tell me something funny!

Answer 1

It is top secret and rarely discussed but the CIA actually have a team of assassins they use from time to time and they were looking for another. They brought in there three top operatives, two guys and a woman.

On their last day of training they were given a test. The first man was given a gun and told in the room next door his wife was tied up to a chair and blindfolded. To prove his loyalty he must go in there and kill her. The man took one look at the gun and said, "there is no way I would ever do that". They simply replied, "you are not the person we are looking for".

Later that day the second man arrived and they did the same thing. The man begrudgingly took the gun. With shaking hands he went into the room. Moments later he came out in tears, "I can't, I just can't", he cried. "You aren't who we are looking for," they explained.

That afternoon the woman arrived. She was told her husband was in the next room blindfolded and tied to a chair. She took the gun and went into the room. BLAM, BLAM, BLAM they heard, followed by a scuttle and yelling and banging all around. Moments later she came out fo the room, "the damn gun had blanks in it so I had to beat him with the chair"!!

Answer 2

This rich man is riding around in his limo and they drive past some houses. The rich man sees two men outside eating what looks to be grass, so he has his driver pull over so he can find out what's going on.

He calls the first man over and says: "What are you doing?" The man replies: "Well, mister, I'm a very poor man. So in order to make sure my wife and kids have enough to eat, I come out here and eat grass."

The rich man turns to the 2nd man and asks him the same question and gets the same response. He pauses for a minute and then says to the first man: "You know what, gather up your family and bring them to my place and I will feed you all you need to eat."

The man says: "Well, I have three kids". But the rich guys insists: "That's fine, bring them all."

The rich man then turns to the other man and makes the same invite. That man says: "But, I have 10 kids and I really don't want to impose."

The rich man says :"No, no, no - it won't be a problem. Bring them all."

So all of the kids and parents cram into the limo - some having to sit on each other's laps. Once they all get in, the first man says to the rich man: "Mister, I can't tell you how much this means to all of us. You just made our day."

And the rich man says....



"No problem, the grass at my place is nearly 3 feet tall."

Answer 3

Okay:

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Redneck and Billy Dee Williams were sitting around in a campfire after a day's worth of hunting.

The Frenchman stands up, fires a shot in the air and shouts, "Viva La France!!"

The Englishman stands up, fires a shot in the air and shouts, "Long Live The Queen!!"

The Redneck stands up, shoots Billy Dee Williams and shouts, "DON'T LET THE SMOOTH TASTE FOOL YOU!!"

Answer 4

Oh, how I would like to pass it along to you but it wouldn't be right to put it here. It is from the Truly Tasteless Joke Book. Need I say more?

Answer 5

Christmas Joke

man walks into a bar and sees a parrot sitting on the shoulder of this guy, so he asked about it and the guy said this is a Christmas parrot.

The man asked the guy what does that mean

The guy said watch this, the guy then lit a match underneath the left foot of the parrot, and the parrot started to sing jingle bells.

The man said wow that is so cool

The guy said watch this, then he lit a match underneath the right foot of the parrot, and the parrot started to sing silent night.

The man said that is so awesome, then he asked, what happens when you light a match between his legs?

The guy said I don't know ive never tried it, so he got a match and lit it between his legs, the parrot then started to sing, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire."

hope you like this
i love telling it

Answer 6

This one I heard recently:
What do you call a dead blonde in the closet?


Last year's hide and seek winner. LOL

Answer 7

alright, saw this on a KFC billboard on a roadtrip just after Clinton announced she would be running for pres:
Hillary Special
2 small breasts, 2 large thighs and a left wing.
not entirely politically correct, but hey, thats what america is these days.

Answer 8

What's an old woman smell like?

Depends!

Answer 9

What do you call a woman who works as hard as a man?
LAZY!!!

Answer 10

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest to deliver a picnic basket to her gramma.

Before heading out, her mom tells her, "Little Red Riding Hood, be careful. The Big Bad Wolf is out there and he will pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and f*ck your little red socks off."

Little Red Riding Hood takes a shotgun out of the closet and puts it next to her and says, "It's ok, I can handle it."

So, Little Red Riding Hood starts out on her journey. First she runs into the Three Bears.

They say, "Little Red Riding Hood, what are you doing out here all alone? Don't you know the Big Bad Wolf is out here and he's gonna pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and f**k your little red socks off?"

To which Red Riding Hood shows them the shotgun and says, "It's ok, I'm covered."

So, Red Riding Hood continues on, and sees the Three Little Pigs.

They say, "Little Red Riding Hood, what are you doing out here alone? The Big Bad Wolf is out and when he finds you he's gonna pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and f**k your little red socks off."

Red Riding Hood again, pulls out the gun and says "I'll be alright".

So, Red Riding Hood is walking and she sees none other but the Big Bad Wolf.
The Wolf says , "Little Red Riding Hood, I have found you! I'm gonna pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and f**k your little red socks off".

Red Riding Hood pulls up her little red dress, pulls down her little red panties, lays down on the ground, points the gun at the Wolf and says "NO. You're gonna EAT ME like the BOOKS says!"