Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

This actually made me scared, the first 4-5 minutes is all talking so i would fastforward to when they pick up the girl hitch hiker....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sF7mh1dgJ2k

2007-02-07 11:42:02 · 8 answers · asked by LittleBit 3

A policeman came upon a stupid man peeing in the river.
"Stop that immediately!" he shouted. "And put it away."
So the stupid man did as he was told, but he couldn't stop himself from doubling up with laughter.
"OK, what's so funny?" demanded the policeman.
"I really fooled you this time," he laughed. "I may have put it away, but I didn't stop."
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A pretty young woman went into the department store for some dress material and was served by a cocky young man. When she asked how much it was, he replied.
"A kiss per yard," winking at her shyly.
"OK," she replied, "I'll have 5 yards."
The young man cut and wrapped the material, handed it to her and said "that'll be 5 kisses please."
The young woman pointed to a wrinkly old man who was with her,
"Grandad's paying," she said, walking away.

2007-02-07 11:41:53 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a diner and notices a sign behind the counter that reads "HAM SANDWHICH $5.00; HAND JOB $10.00." He asks the attractive lady behind the counter, "Say, miss, are you the gal who gives hand jobs?" "Why, yes I am," she proudly replies. "Well, then," the fellow continues, "why don't you be a sweetheart, go to the back, wash your hands, and make me a ham sandwhich."

2007-02-07 11:38:44 · 4 answers · asked by crow t robot 2

2007-02-07 11:30:07 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy arrives home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.He rushes upstairs to discover his wife lying naked on the bed, sweating and panting heavily.
"What's going on?" he asks.
"I think I'm having a heart attack," she cries.
"Oh no!" he gasps, but as he rushes back down the stairs to ring for an ambulance, he bumps into his 5-year old son.
"Daddy, daddy!" says the little boy excitedly. "Uncle Ted's upstairs in the wardrobe and he's got no clothes on."
"What!" roars the man and storms back up the stairs to the bedroom. He opens the wardrobe door and sure enough, Uncle Ted is standing there naked.
"You prat, you blo*dy prat!" he screams. "How could you? There's my wife on the bed having a heart attack and all you can do is run around naked, playing hide and seek with the kids." :)

2007-02-07 11:29:13 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady, very concerned about her appearance and the environment, was being interviewed about keeping her beauty without compromising on environmental issues. When she was asked how she managed to keep her hair so shiny and silky without washing it every day, she declared she never washed it!
How could this be true?

2007-02-07 11:23:02 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was told to pick up ID10T Forms for my company.

2007-02-07 11:09:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two flees on a fanny. One is a burglar. One is a junkie.
How do you tell them apart?.........The burglar is hiding in the bush and the junkie is sniffing the crack!!!

2007-02-07 11:08:53 · 38 answers · asked by Tink 5

Paddy, the Irishman dies in a fire but, since he is very badly burnt, the police need help to double-check the identity of the body. Paddy's two best friends, Michael and Sean, are sent for. Paddy's face has been burnt away, so Michael and Sean ask the mortician to turn the body over. "No, that's not him," says michael when he sees the corpse's backside.
"He's right, it definately could not be Paddy," says Sean.
"Are you certain?" says the mortician. "We have good reason to believe this is Paddy."
"It can't be, says michael. Paddy had two ar*eholes."
"How do you know that?" asks the mortician.
"Because," says Sean. "Whenever me, Paddy and Michael went into town everyone would say, "Hey look, there's Paddy with the two ar*eholes." :)

2007-02-07 11:07:36 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

You know it's wrong but sooner or later you're gonna put your tongue on it.

2007-02-07 11:04:42 · 24 answers · asked by kenneth m 2

This will make you cry, fart, and laugh! Dude got slapped! This is the biggest ***** slap I've ever seen!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7UdJVCRy-a0

2007-02-07 11:03:58 · 5 answers · asked by Candy 3

Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two beers. One for me and one for my best buddy here." He then pulls a three-inch man from his pocket.
"Wow!" says the bartender. "You mean to say that little guy can drink a whole beer?"
"Sure," says Rodney, so the bartender pours a beer and the little guy drinks it all up.
"What else can he do?" says the bartender. "Can he walk?"
"Sure," says Rodney, and flicks a coin to the end of the bar. The little guy runs to the end of the bar, picks up the coin and runs back again.
"That's amazing," says the bartender. "What else can he do? "Does he talk?"
"Sure," says Rodney, turning to the little guy...
"Hey Dad, tell him about the time you were in Africa and you pis*ed off that witch doctor."

2007-02-07 10:53:54 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-07 10:51:42 · 11 answers · asked by efra d 1

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigitte Bardot and ignores her completely. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her breasts. The tattooist warns her that age and gravity will probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests she have the tattoo on her backside instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock. When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over and lifting her dress to expose the artwork.
"What do you think?" says the wife.
"Who the hell's Bob? asked the husband. :)

2007-02-07 10:46:59 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-07 10:44:13 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed..... P... E... N.... I... S. His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

2007-02-07 10:39:41 · 24 answers · asked by Bev 5

a train is derailed, cops come to the scene. Despite the fact that there is no body who has died or been injured, there are two dead on the officers list of poeple. how is this poissible

2007-02-07 10:37:58 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Murphy asks Paddy.."Why have you got 'L' on one boot and 'R' on the other? "
" Well," says Paddy..I was never good with my 'right' and 'left' so
I wrote 'L' and 'R' as a reminder.
"Oh!" said Murphy..."...so THAT'S why my wife has C and A on her knickers."

2007-02-07 10:35:02 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Best answer to first person with right answer

2007-02-07 10:34:11 · 6 answers · asked by A.S 2

Check out his web site. Its hilarious!!
www.webspawner.com/users/misterbee

2007-02-07 10:17:29 · 2 answers · asked by Roxi 1

1) LNDEEM
2) CEGTISEN
3) IYDTEHRE
4) EGNERADAP
5) OMNDATIN
6) PBEUERRD
7) RYIBHD
8) EOYPTNHPE
9) YUSTORGHEZOE
10) TPTEAQNSUNERU

2007-02-07 10:14:01 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Superman was flying over a nudist beach when he noticed Wonder Woman sunbathing.
Being faster than a speeding bullet he decides that he can scr*w her quick
without her knowing. So he swoops down does his business. Wonder Woman jumps up
and says "what the hell was that?", the Invisableman replies "I don't know but
my bum sure hurts."

2007-02-07 10:11:53 · 21 answers · asked by Smurf 7

it.

"I waited until I heard the bedsprings squeaking in my folk's bedroom and then I ran in. My father gave me a watch to get rid of me.", replied the little friend.

Little Johnny, thinking that this was a cool idea waited that night until he heard the bedsprings squeaking rhythmically and then ran into his folk's bedroom.

"What do you want!", asked the father gruffly.

"I want a watch!", said Johnny.

"Well sit down and shut up!", replied the father.

2007-02-07 10:10:26 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Give me your best your momma joke or blond joke
Whoevers best gets the points

2007-02-07 10:09:24 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

why?

2007-02-07 10:08:29 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

(20 words or less)
1.You make me....
2.I wish I was...
3.I want...
4.I need to get...
5.___ is my hommie

2007-02-07 10:07:39 · 8 answers · asked by Summertime 1

fighting a liar
you hissed my mystery lecture
cattle ships and bruisers
nosey little cook
a blushing crow
tons of soil
our queer old Dean
we'll have the hags flung out
you've tasted two worms
my zips are lipped
our shoving leopard
a half-warmed fish
is the bean dizzy?

2007-02-07 10:04:09 · 7 answers · asked by Chris 5

2007-02-07 10:01:35 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initally embarassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 A.M., the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm
awfully cold."
" I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight,lets pretend that we're married."
Wow!!! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own $%^&@
blanket."
After a moment of silence....he farted.

2007-02-07 09:58:30 · 18 answers · asked by kayboff 7

2007-02-07 09:57:44 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous