Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

Let's go to the gay bar and get SH** faced.

2007-02-07 16:24:30 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A famous Viking explorer called Lief returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

2007-02-07 16:23:58 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, Unlike most hypnotists, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting…

"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly ----- it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"S**T!" said the Hypnotist.

It took 3 weeks to clean-up the senior center!

2007-02-07 16:15:41 · 14 answers · asked by Kathleen G 3

Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of sqash. One notices the other putting on pantyhose. He says "Say, when did you start wearing pantyhose?"

"When my wife found a pair in the glove compartment."

2007-02-07 15:42:43 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-07 15:32:38 · 5 answers · asked by penelope 1

I seem to be quite well known.

Whenever I meet a new group of people I break the ice by literally doing that. I break the ice and then walk on water and everybody says “Jesus”.

Later, if people ask “How do you do that?” I reply “Well, I stamp on the ice with my heel and it just breaks”.

2007-02-07 15:31:58 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

4.John is on the middle step of a ladder. He climbs up three steps, down five steps, up six steps and then climbs the last eight steps to the top. How many steps are on the ladder?

2007-02-07 15:27:27 · 14 answers · asked by ♥♥♥ 3

I cover cities and destroy mountains,
I make men blind, yet help them see.
what am I??

2007-02-07 15:20:14 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman and her husband are cuddling. The man says, "My dearest...I will always love you. 24/6."

(There are no errors)

2007-02-07 15:17:17 · 20 answers · asked by STrawberry 3

What's bigger than life, smaller than death, more fun than a clown, scarier than any monster, can be either wet or dry, and more popular than anything else in this world?

2007-02-07 15:10:56 · 12 answers · asked by spefio 3

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park... Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda, and her favorite candy.

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and asked...what was it like to be 6 again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. I meant my Dress size, you DUMB-A**!

2007-02-07 14:53:08 · 23 answers · asked by Kathleen G 3

4 legs in the morning, 2 lesg in the afternoon, and 3 legs at night?

2007-02-07 14:51:10 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

My friend told me this one.....its a little bad.

How many Bill CLintons' does it take to screw in a lightbulb???

12. Thank goodness we only have one though.

Yet again,
How many Bill Clinton's does it take to screw a lightbulb???
One.

Sorry if it seems offensive but that's the only joke I can think of.

If you have funnier ones (which everybody MUST have) then please give me some.

2007-02-07 14:47:52 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-07 14:39:42 · 11 answers · asked by Peter N 1

2007-02-07 14:38:14 · 2 answers · asked by s w 1

three girls were trapped on an island: a blonde, a red head, and a brunette.
the brunette says "hey i see and island about 20 miles away!" so the brunette swims out 10 miles and drowns.
so the red head says "i know i can make it to that island!" so she swims out 15 miles and drowns.
so then the blonde says "i'm gonna get to that island no matter what!" so she swims out 19 miles gets tierd and swims back.

2007-02-07 14:36:32 · 34 answers · asked by bubbles07 3

finish it with your own words. Make it interesting. I'm bored. LOL!

2007-02-07 14:35:45 · 15 answers · asked by JACQUELINE T 6

britney spears

2007-02-07 14:29:55 · 4 answers · asked by Jerry W 1

80% of kidergarten students got this right but only 5% of Stanford graduates got this right.... what is it?
It is greater than God
It proceeds God
Is more evil than the devil
All rich people need it
All poor people have it
If you eat it you will you die.
Have you figured it out? I will pick the right answer.

2007-02-07 14:28:54 · 23 answers · asked by Rascal_Flatts_Fanatic! 2

On a piece of paper draw 3 squares any size, anywhere, but they can't touch or be inside one another. Now draw 3 circles, any size, anywhere, but they can't be inside the squares or touching one another. Now your goal is to draw a line from each circle to each square. The lines cannot pass through any object or touch. The lines can curve as much as you like. You will need 9 lines total to complete the task. Good Luck!

2007-02-07 14:28:19 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-07 14:27:47 · 6 answers · asked by Pham Quoc Chung 1

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted crazy then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was nuts and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?"

I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her: "

And where do you think you're going? (You're gonna love this)


She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

2007-02-07 14:22:20 · 11 answers · asked by sugarscamp 5

There is a number where u give it to somebody that u dont want having ur number, and it gives numerous reasons y theyt didnt get ur real number. It's liike a phony number and I need help. I dont remember! Do u, if so tell me plz

2007-02-07 14:09:18 · 2 answers · asked by mjr_flirt93 1

its a riddle i have homework

2007-02-07 14:05:10 · 9 answers · asked by nikienicoleraven 1

1 is 3
3 is 5
5 is 4
And 4 is the "Magic Number!"

Question: Why is four the magic number and why are all the numbers what they are?

2007-02-07 13:55:21 · 11 answers · asked by Equinox 2

A man had dealt about half the cards for a bridge game when he was interrupted by a telephone call. When he returned, no one could remember who had been dealt the last card. Without knowing the number of cards in any of the 4 partly dealt hands, or the number of cards left in the undealt part of the pack, how could the deal be completed so that everyone received the cards they would have received had the deal not been interrupted?

2007-02-07 13:52:01 · 5 answers · asked by jang k 1

What starts wit F, and ends in UCK??

2007-02-07 13:50:28 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 white horses fell in the mud!


not what u were expecting? lol

2007-02-07 13:47:29 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a man drowning in the middle of a lake. Very far from any shore. He has nothing to aid him. The lake is 100ft deep all around. There is another man on shore. He also cannot swim and has nothing to aid in rescue besides one 2x4 piece of wood. The man on shore saves the drowning man without getting himself nor the piece of 2x4 wet. How does he do it?



Hints: There is no one else that helps in the rescue. The man on shore does not float the piece of wood out to him. The man on shore does not ski out to him, for there is no boat. There is no helicopter, nor magical water beast. Goodluck!

2007-02-07 13:34:29 · 19 answers · asked by alex s 1

so there's this guy, and he shares his room with his brother, and they both sleep in a bunk bed.
so one night, the older guy sneeks in his girlfriend.
seeing his brother in the lower bunk, the guy and his girlfriend get on the top bunk, and he's all like....
ok, say lettuce if u want it harder
and say tomato if u want a different position.

so the night goes on


lettuce....




tomato....




lettuce......





tomato......


then all of a sudden the younger brother stutters,
and then he says...


hey can u guys stop making sandwiches....

your spilling mayonnaise all over my face.

2007-02-07 13:30:59 · 21 answers · asked by jane 3