Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

A detective arrives on the scene of a shooting. The victim was driving his car and was shot once in the head, killing him instantly. Upon inspecting the car, there were no bullet-holes in any windows, which were all shut, or in any part of the body of the car. The police had realized that the shooter had come from outside of the car, since all the doors were locked. How did the shooter manage to kill the driver without damaging the car, where all the windows and doors were shut and locked?

2007-02-08 03:21:05 · 12 answers · asked by Maverick 6

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

************

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

*********

I will post more soon :)

2007-02-08 03:11:00 · 21 answers · asked by ? 2

1 ) My days are longer than my years. I roate the opposite way compared to earth. What planet am I?



2) My first number is 5 times greater than my second number. The sum of the 2 numbers is 348. What is my second number?


3) One day at my equator is 648 hours long. One day at my poles is 744 hours long. I live in your solar system. What am I?


5) Hloa odur writo seh


6) I show what was never discovered,
I was born at Constantinople in AD 1513.
I come from Egypt to teach the Spanish.
Thank you Hapgood for all your hard work!
What am I?

7) Dear Son,
I can not die no matter how hard I try.
I was born into the house of Aquarius in BC 21,790
Today is the day that the sun set where it once rose.
Oh dearest son, can you tell me what year it is?

Solve them whoever gets the most correct gets best answer

2007-02-08 03:06:07 · 10 answers · asked by JonH 1

does anyone know how to make $10.12 without usin any of the following $1,$5,or $10 bills tell me what you can come up with use pennies, quarters, nickels, dimes, half dollars, and, dollar coins only please....

2007-02-08 03:05:38 · 11 answers · asked by geostrom b 4

One day Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine, and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10!

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks...

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.

(contd. below...)

2007-02-08 03:04:45 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-08 02:49:05 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hello all. I want to do a practical joke on my wife. We both speak Spanish but not Italian. I want to (in the middle of the night while she´s sleeping) start making exorcist noises and start saying some phrases in Italian, which she knows I don´t speak. What could I say in Italian, that would be associated with an exorcism and how would I pull the joke off? Also, when she starts freaking out, and I start laughing...would you dump me or would you think it was really funny?

2007-02-08 02:45:45 · 8 answers · asked by nassim420 3

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to
enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and
rekindling a little of that "magic".

"Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit
older and a bit balder than when you last saw me."

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would
still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to "***** off..."

2007-02-08 02:41:10 · 2 answers · asked by Krazykraut 3

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger

congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the

congregation, ...no one wants him to leave.



Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up
and proclaims,.... "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a

new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to
transport their children!"



The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.



Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and

says, "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his

salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college

education of all his children!"



More sighs and loud applause, Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and
announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, .... I will give him

sex!"



There is total silence.



The Preacher, blushing, asks her, . "Mrs. Jones, whatever
possessed you to say that?"



Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding

his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head

from side to side, while his wife replies,



"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ....
"Screw the Preacher!"

2007-02-08 02:35:41 · 15 answers · asked by K-E-G 3

A couple in a convertible are driving along and a crow crashes threw the windshield, the man tells the woman ________ and she responds by saying ________.

2007-02-08 02:21:33 · 12 answers · asked by osfan092589 2

She told him they used it to make toast in space!!

What nickname does she have for herself after too many tequila shots? AstroNaughty!!

2007-02-08 02:18:22 · 8 answers · asked by COblonde 3

DOUGH...the stuff that buys me beer
RAY...the guy that sells me beer
ME...the one who drinks the beer
FAR...a long run to get beer
SO...I'llhave another beer
LA...I'll have another beer
TEA...no thanks,I'm drinking beer that will bring us back to DOUGH.

2007-02-08 02:17:54 · 9 answers · asked by tourist 5

2007-02-08 02:13:46 · 18 answers · asked by mat l 3

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.

After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart.

The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.

So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

2007-02-08 01:49:14 · 15 answers · asked by Jay A 3

What (if any) is the difference? My friend once said that funny haha is laughing with you & funny hehe is laughing at you?

2007-02-08 01:41:52 · 9 answers · asked by Jay A 3

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss
in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having
written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,
please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY!

Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it
caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get
those sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant
at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire
department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since
I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough
to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room,
but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in
love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but
it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward
to being grrandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the
love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason
for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection
which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly
caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections
I am taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and
although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different
race and religion than ours, I know your oft expressed tolerance will not
permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker
than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is
good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the
village in Africa from which he came.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was
no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was
not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have
syphillis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am getting
a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks
in the proper perspective.

Yours-
Your Loving Daughter

2007-02-08 01:40:24 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hi, I am compiling an ebook and looking for some great romantic sms. If it is original its better.
Thanks for your contribution

2007-02-08 01:39:42 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

just wondering!! x

2007-02-08 01:16:39 · 21 answers · asked by m 3

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."

The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

2007-02-08 01:11:10 · 9 answers · asked by Jay A 3

Johny showed me his P**is today.

Mum does not want to make a fuss and calmly asks suzie:

Oh! What was it like?

It was like a peanut....

Kind of small eh?

No!!! Salty......

2007-02-08 01:09:07 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do a nearsighted gynaecologist and a dog have in common?

Wet noses!

2007-02-08 01:03:48 · 8 answers · asked by Jay A 3

My sister asks my nephew Joseph maths qestions to help him with his maths as hes 4 and its good to start out young so she asks him all the normal ones such as 2 plus 2 and 4 plus 4 and recently hes started asking his own questions so i thought id get you to answer it.


Two Power Rangers fight how many are left?.

If anyone gets this i will be surprised as i think only he knows the answer.

2007-02-08 01:03:02 · 20 answers · asked by Krayden 6

2007-02-08 01:00:42 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Damn I wish I could read

2007-02-08 00:58:53 · 10 answers · asked by Bessie H 1

2007-02-08 00:50:06 · 19 answers · asked by jasper2112 2

you cruel b*stards

2007-02-08 00:46:42 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Do you work for UPS cuz i couldve swore you were checkin out my package"

Good or bad?

2007-02-08 00:22:47 · 19 answers · asked by justin_49ers2001 2

Lou sat at the bar furiously pounding down shots of whiskey.


His best friend, Jim, spotted him and said, "Lou, what's going on? Are you okay? I've known you for fifteen years and I've never seen you drink like this before."


Staring at his next filled shot glass, Lou replied, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then tossed that drink down, too.


"But, I thought that I was your best friend?" said Jim.


Lou looked at Jim through bloodshot eyes, smiled, and slurred, "Not anymore. He is!"

2007-02-08 00:18:59 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

there was a blonde women that owed her boyfriend 50euro and couldnt think of a way to come up with the money so she went for a walk and seen a another blonde women playing with her son in the park, so she kidnaped the boy and brought him to a nearby tree and wrote on a piece of paper if you want your son back leave 50euro at the tree in the park in half an hour. (singed the blonde) gave the piece of paper to the boy and sent him back to his mother... half hour later the blonde came back to her surprise she found the 50 euro plus a note nailed to the tree it said here is your 50 euro i cant believe 1 blonde would do this to another)

2007-02-08 00:11:44 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

LAS VEGAS...

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS. THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING, DID YOU?

2007-02-08 00:02:51 · 9 answers · asked by Jade22 3