Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

2007-02-08 05:20:18 · 3 answers · asked by Calvin James Hammer 6

2007-02-08 05:19:28 · 2 answers · asked by 123 2

people are actually starting to get a sense of humour here on y/a?

seems more and more, as each day goes by, answers are getting funnier and funnier!

2007-02-08 05:18:58 · 10 answers · asked by im*horny 3

in bed. Iived in a 2 bedrrom apt. it was after 12:00 oclock. mid night. my room was very dark. could not see a thing, except the door way, going into the hallway. the hall had more moon light then the bedroom. then a figure appeared, standing quietly standing by the door jamb. he was dressed in a monks habit robe. all in black. I know he was looking at me, but there was no face to be seened. his hands cupped together and starring at me. he didn't move towards me, just stood there. then with out words the monk ( ? )seemed to say" do you want to sin ". i said " what ? ", with disbelief. he said again. " do you want to sin". thoughts of women, money.............. did come to my mine. then i felt insulted, and contrary to my spirit belief. i said " NO go aWAY". THE MONK LOOKED DOWN, SAYING NOTHING showed me his back and walked away, not muttering a word. has never reappeared.
BUT, the funny thing is folks I w a s n ' t s l e e p i n g wasn't sleeping.

2007-02-08 05:17:59 · 5 answers · asked by J 4

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

2007-02-08 05:16:33 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

dgdgasdkfjkdfjfjri

2007-02-08 05:14:23 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

1>An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

2007-02-08 05:13:39 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other ones penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

*IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL !!!! *

2007-02-08 05:10:51 · 3 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

Johnny had the hots for his secretary...but she had a boyfriend, so she refused his advances everytime. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I’ll give you a 1000 dollars for just this one time...she said no again. Johnny said I’ll be fast, I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up.

She thought for a moment and said that she would like to take a few minutes to think about it...so she went, called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend thought about it and tells her ask him for 2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for her to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...she said "HE USED COINS!!!"



*********************************


A mother and her young son were flying from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe that’s something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case. “Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because our airline always pulls out on time!”

2007-02-08 05:07:54 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: So your running through a field in a canoe and your wheel falls off...how many pancakes does it take to cover a dog house?

A: Purple because ice cream doesn't have bones!

ROTFLMAO!! omg I love that one! enjoy!

2007-02-08 05:00:09 · 8 answers · asked by ηєvєrmorє 6

2007-02-08 04:57:22 · 15 answers · asked by Chichiri 1

2007-02-08 04:56:12 · 10 answers · asked by polkol69 1

englishman scottishman and frenchman walkin down the beach when they find a lamp. curiously they rub it and woosh, out pops a genie. he says he will grant them all 1 wish so the scottishman says i love scotland so much i want it the be among the greatest nations on earth, a mecca for import/export and the like. so the genie does it. next up the frenchman says i love france so much i'm sick of ridicule from outsiders so i want a wall 100ft high and 50ft wide so nothing can get in or out, that way france will be a better place for us french people. so the genie does it too. next up the englishman, he says he loves england so much too, then asks about the wall around france. the genie tells him dimensions and says nothing can get through the wall. so the english man says ok for queen and country.....fill it with water

2007-02-08 04:48:04 · 11 answers · asked by Uncle Elroy 4

If rape is inevitable - layback and enjoy it.....

This is a saying from a famous philosopher....of course I distance my self from such thoughts....

2007-02-08 04:47:25 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

can even take a joke so why should i bother asking, most (not all) seem so touchy, critical and moody, all they do is bring me down.

but you can always tell ME a joke to cheer me up?

2007-02-08 04:44:24 · 15 answers · asked by sasha 4

2007-02-08 04:42:23 · 16 answers · asked by gangster r 1

Frankies Fruit Market is having an unusual sale. He is allowing fruit retailers to come in and buy his fruit with their own.
Here are his prices:

4 mangoes=3 kumquats
3 persimmons=2 bananas
7 gooseberrries=1 lime
1 persimmon=1 apple
14 gooseberries=1 banana

1. Sam comes to spend 15 kumquats. How ,amy mangoes can he buy?

2. Suppose Sam decides to buy an equal number of apples and persimmons with his 15 kumquats. How many of each can he buy?

3. Sally has 100 gooseberries and wants to buy a combination of at least 3 different fruits. List a possible choice. ( she may have left over gooseberries)

4. Andy has 20 bananas. How many limes can he buy? How many mangoes can he buy?

5. Georgia has 30 kumquats. how many persimmons can she buy?

6. An apple and a persimmon are obviously worth the same. Which fruits are worth more than these two?
Which fruits are worth less than these two?

7. Let p=persimmon, a=apple, m=mango, k=kumquat, b=banana, g=gooseberry, and l=lime. Write a simple algebraic equations to show how many p each of the other fruits equal. For example, you would write 1p=1a. Now write statements for each of the other fruits.

2007-02-08 04:40:18 · 7 answers · asked by Hardcore 3

Lets say you were locked in a room with Dog poop, rotten shrimp, and a decaying cow for like 4 days.... could you die????

2007-02-08 04:34:37 · 4 answers · asked by _DestroyingAngel_ 3

Subject: ASKING TOO MUCH
>
>
>
>
> >
> >
> > A biker was riding along the California coastline when suddenly the
> sky
> > clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
> "Because
> > you
> > have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
> >
> >
> >
> > The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so Ican
> ride
> > over
> > anytime I want."
> >
> >
> >
> > The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous
> > challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to
> reach
> > the
> > bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will
> > nearly
> > exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for
> me to
> > justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and
> think
> > of
> > something non-materialistic that would honor and glorify me. "
> >
> >
> >
> > The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord,
> I wish
> > that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels
> inside, what
> > she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she
> cries, what
> > she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman
> truly
> > happy."
> >
> >
> >
> > The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
> >

2007-02-08 04:31:43 · 16 answers · asked by ms01 4

Give a full reason for your answer
personaly i think the chicken was a cross bread from to different animals and was born like a cat or dog but as they evolved they started laying eggs !!!!!!!

2007-02-08 04:29:24 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Just out of curiosity.

2007-02-08 04:24:24 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-08 04:18:37 · 5 answers · asked by MRS W 1

u are driving a car along a road at a constant speed....
to your left, there is a steep drop into a valley,
to your right there is a fire engine moving at the same speed as you,
infront of u there is a giant pig as big as ur car, running, you cant over take it,
behind you a helicopter is flying at ground level....
both the pig and helicopter are moving at the same speed as you...

what do u do to get out of this safely ?

2007-02-08 04:11:36 · 23 answers · asked by Stevie B 2

A young pregnant Irish woman goes out and about alone and her waters break! She phones her mother in a panic and screams, “My waters have broken!” Her mother tells her not to panic, everything will be alright and that she’ll get her to the hospital! Her mother then asks, “Where are you situated?” The young Irish woman replies, “From my f@nni to my feet!”

2007-02-08 03:58:01 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-08 03:51:06 · 17 answers · asked by zeff 1

1. If you say bad things to your Motorcycle, you don’t have to apologize before you can ride it again.

2. If your Motorcycle doesn’t look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

3. If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don’t have to discuss politics to correct it.

4. If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.

5. Motorcycles don’t care about how many other Motorcycles you have with you, or have ridden in the past.

6. Motorcycles don’t care if you are late.

7. Motorcycles don’t insult you if you are a bad rider.

8. Motorcycles don’t mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.

9. Motorcycles don’t whine unless something is really wrong.

10. Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.

11. Motorcycles’ curves never sag.

12. When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.

13. You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.

14. You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won’t get sore.

15. You can ride a Motorcycle any time you want.

16. You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.

17. You don’t have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.

18. You don’t have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.

19. You only need to buy a new chain for your Motorcycle when the old one is really worn.

20. Your parents don’t remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.

2007-02-08 03:50:11 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

need for speed most wanted black edition

2007-02-08 03:48:31 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-08 03:41:28 · 16 answers · asked by chockybikky 3

The teacher asked the children what there fathers did for a living.All the typical answers came out-fireman,Policeman,Salesman,singer etc.But Billy was being quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
My father is a male stripper in a gay club:he takes his clothes off for men.
The teacher gives the other children some classwork to do and took Billy aside to ask him if that was true.
NO said Billy,he plays cricket for England,but i was just too embarrassed to say.

2007-02-08 03:38:19 · 18 answers · asked by wozza.lad 5

2007-02-08 03:27:11 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous