Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

A lonely frog, desperate for any form of company, telephoned the Psychic Hot line to find out what his future has in store.

His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"

"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

2007-02-08 10:08:06 · 26 answers · asked by Tink 5

Yes it is long!
How to give the cat a pill

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How to give the dog a pill

Wrap it in bacon.

2007-02-08 10:01:47 · 20 answers · asked by Tink 5

i have always wondered

2007-02-08 10:01:24 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

PLEASE help me!

2007-02-08 10:00:37 · 4 answers · asked by :) BE HAPPY 1

Be the first with the correct answer and you will get 10 points. Like I said the correct answer. Thanks all and Peace out..............

2007-02-08 09:58:59 · 6 answers · asked by powerliftingrules 5

there was an english teacher for kids whose 1st language isn't english. she told her kids to write about how a firefighter saved a baby from a burning house from the newspaper.

one kid wrote: the fireman went in the burning house. when he cameout he was pregnant.

she asked him why he wrote pregnant. he took out a dictionary and pointed to pregnant. pregnant was defind as "carrying a child"

2007-02-08 09:44:24 · 18 answers · asked by Rene C 4

your on a black road with no lights and your headlights arnt on, a black cat runs infront of your car......u dodge it .....but if its a black cat on a black road with no street or headlights how did u see the cat.............GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!

2007-02-08 09:41:20 · 30 answers · asked by Ryan B 2

Sorry .....It seems I have offended a lot of people. Judging from the response in 5 hours, this is a very sensitive issue.

Question.....If we all feel so strongly about rape, why do we as a civilised society let rapists off with light uncustodial ssentences?

2007-02-08 09:36:35 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

it was a beautiful day so a dad and his boy go for a car ride. there was a tarable accident the dad died and the boy was badly injured
when the boy was on the opperating table the surgion said "i can't work with him he is my son"

who is the surgion

2007-02-08 09:34:37 · 43 answers · asked by lolly 2

To the lads! Is this joke funny?
If may answer this with a joke.

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in seven floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and like kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not liking kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, do all the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor

The sign on that door said, "These men are rolling in money, love kids, are incredibly good looking, do all the housework, are incurable romantics, are fantastic chefs, completely faithful, are great conversationalists and really funny, use maps, and their mothers have passed away." "Now we're getting somewhere" they said, "but imagine what must be on the next floor." So up they went.

Sixth floor

The door had a sign saying "These men are rolling in money, love kids, are incredibly good looking, do all the housework, are incurable romantics, know how to satisfy you completely, are fantastic chefs, totally faithful, great conversationalists and really funny, would love to go shopping with you, use maps, put the toilet seat down and change the paper, and their mothers have passed away." "Pretty tempting" they said, "we really have to see what's on the next floor." They were so excited they ran up the stairs.

Seventh floor

The door had a sign saying "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. Please leave the store via the exit..

2007-02-08 09:34:33 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

in a hall as white as milk
lined with curtains as soft as silk
in a fountain crystal clear
a golden apple doth appear
there are no doors to this stronghold
yet theives break in and steal the gold

What is it?

2007-02-08 09:32:44 · 15 answers · asked by woody13974 2

i got to know this girl only from school, i got to know her and she got to know me. But, i just heared that she got out of this bad relationship with some other guy 2 years ago. is it a right time to ask her because i talked to her for a while ( like 1 or 2 mouths) and because that she is not taken anymore for 2 years?

2007-02-08 09:32:28 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

any one got any good ones?

no racist/hatefull ones please

2007-02-08 09:31:31 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-08 09:30:38 · 5 answers · asked by ltnscorpionking 2

Also, does he have any children?

2007-02-08 09:26:14 · 3 answers · asked by Myanna513 3

You are trying to find out which switch turns on the light. There are 3 light switches in a downstairs apartment. One of the switches turns the upstairs light on, the other 2 don't do anything. you can not see the upstairs light without going up the stairs and you can only go up the stairs once. It is not dark out and their is no one with you. how do you find out which light switch is the one that turns on the light??? First person to get the right answer gets best answer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-02-08 09:13:56 · 25 answers · asked by BB B 2

If you read my erlier post you will have already read it :)

*********************************

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

2007-02-08 09:11:36 · 13 answers · asked by ? 2

Yes i have posted b4 but, I like it!

Steve decided to buy himself a secondhand motorbike. It was a pretty good deal, except one of the seals was missing. So whenever it rained, he would apply some vaseline to the spot where the seal should be to stop the rainwater getting in.

Anyway, one evening, his new girlfriend invited him to dinner to meet her parents. When he drove up on the bike she was waiting outside for him, and said "Whatever you do, don't say a word inside. We've had this silly argument about washing-up and the first person to speak has to do the lot".

When they got inside, Steve saw it was as bad as she said. Nobody was saying a word, and dirty dishes were piled high in the kitchen.

Dinner was certainly an uncomfortable affair, no one saying anything. So Steve decided to have a little fun. He grabbed his girlfriend, threw her across the table, and had sex with her there and then. Her Mum looked shocked and her Dad furious, but no one said anything.

Five minutes later, Steve, got up, grabbed Mum, threw her on the table and gave her a similar seeing to - girlfriend looked shocked this time, dad even more furious, but still not a word.

Suddenly there was a clap of thunder from outside and it began to rain. Thinking of his bike, Steve grabbed the vaseline and jumped out of his chair.

Dad also jumped out of his chair, yelling: "Oh, for Christ's sake. Alright, I'll do the fu**ing washing up!"

2007-02-08 09:07:27 · 36 answers · asked by Tink 5

I AM SOFA KING WE TODD DID

Don't ask

2007-02-08 08:56:17 · 11 answers · asked by Halle? 2

Two Irishmen walking down the street and pass a Police Station. On the wall is a poster with a photograph of two males and the headline, ' 2 Black Men Wanted For Rape '.

One Irishman turns to the other and says,

"Jeez Paddy, it's just not fair. How come they get all the best jobs?"

2007-02-08 08:56:10 · 20 answers · asked by Ecko 4

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused.

Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.

Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother Superior the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said,

"Don't sell that cow."

2007-02-08 08:51:09 · 11 answers · asked by thatgirl127 3

Hear the sound
The angels come screaming
Down your voice
I hear you've been bleeding
Make your choice
They say you've been pleading
Someone save us
Heaven help us now
Come crashing down
We'll hear the sound
As you're falling down
I'm at this old hotel
But can't tell if I've been breathing or sleeping
Or screaming or waiting for the man to call
And maybe all of the above
Cause mostly I've been sprawled on these cathedral steps
While spitting out the blood and screaming
"Someone save us!"
Heaven help us now
Come crashing down
We'll hear the sound
As you're falling down
And will you pray for me?
Or make a saint of me?
And will you lay for me?
Or make a saint of?
Cause I'll give you all the nails you need
Cover me in gasoline
Wipe away those tears of blood again
And the punchline to the joke is asking
Someone save us
Heaven help us now
Come crashing down
We'll hear the sound
As you fall
And would you pray for me?

2007-02-08 08:49:11 · 5 answers · asked by ♥ 3

Because of All that clapping business that u always see em doin!

2007-02-08 08:48:04 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Joe Jonas said this in a concert and he said that his little brother, Frankie, said it. here it is. (remember: it was told by a 6 year old!)

Why did Earth cross the road?



Because there was a hot Jupiter on the other side 8D

2007-02-08 08:47:41 · 4 answers · asked by Nikki 2

because there is a funny noise coming from under the bonnet.
"Leave it with me," says the mechanic. "Come back in 20 minutes."
So, off goes the penguin. It's a pretty hot day, and he's a cool weather kind of guy so on spotting an ice cream van he goes and buys himself a big vanilla ice cream. Now, penguins aren't very good at eating ice creams – the lack of opposable thumbs makes it tricky. So by the time the penguin has finished hisice cream, he is completely covered in it. It is all over his beak and all over his flippers. Feeling a little sticky, he goes back to the garage.
"Oh, hello," says the mechanic, wiping his hands on a cloth.
"Hello," replies the penguin. "What's wrong?"
"Well, it looks like you blew a seal."
"Oh no, no, no!" says the penguin, wiping his mouth. "It's just ice cream."

2007-02-08 08:38:59 · 9 answers · asked by ♥Princess♥ 4

I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit,
upon the slitted sheet I sit.

2007-02-08 08:35:17 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-08 08:34:36 · 17 answers · asked by denise g 2

she simply left a sign on the door that said, "Beat it".

2007-02-08 08:31:59 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I do!
Everytime I see a picture of Goofy..I Think of Lil Wayne and Everytime I see a picture of Lil Wayne ,...I think of Goofy!

Goofy IS Lil Wayne! AND Lil Wayne IS Goofy!!!!

http://www.greetingsfromhollywood.com/images/16mm_files/walt%20disney's%20goofy1.gif

2007-02-08 08:31:07 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-08 08:23:45 · 12 answers · asked by me :) 2