Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

Did you konw taht too raed a wrod, you dnot heav too raed ervey sngile wrod but olny the frist and lsat lettres? Aamiznig huh?

2007-02-08 15:31:26 · 21 answers · asked by khenry1991 1

2007-02-08 15:06:55 · 22 answers · asked by CoronaKing 2

How about going through life backwards?

You'd start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

2007-02-08 15:04:29 · 23 answers · asked by Kathleen G 3

beta mail blowing his balloon up?

Has he blown the damn thing up yet? He only manages to get it out of his pocket when I look?

Put me out of my misery Please.

Thanks Tink x

2007-02-08 14:57:45 · 27 answers · asked by Tink 5

2007-02-08 14:50:00 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

im bored at school...

2007-02-08 14:41:20 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

An aircraft takes off and moves quickly out of sight. The aircraft doesn't use gas, wind, nuclear, or solar power- but it flies farther and faster than any craft before it

What is the aircraft's name and what's its power source

Clues
The aircraft is part of a fleet
The aircraft usually flies for 60 minutes at a time
An international crew flies the aircraft
The aircraft needs special crystals to fly
The aircraft uses fuel based on an lement with the symbol Li
The crew and its aircraft boldly go where no other has gone before

2007-02-08 14:37:30 · 8 answers · asked by s_ramos_8 2

Have you heard of Picabo (Pronounced Peekaboo) Street the Olympic Skier? Well, one of her first jobs was working at the Hospital in the I.C.U. at the front desk. When she got fired from her job she came home and her husband asked, what happened. She said I don't know, the phone rang at the front desk and I answered and said, Picabo, ICU.

2007-02-08 14:33:44 · 13 answers · asked by Lids 5

After identifying a suspicious fellow Yankee at the local pub, Nora Shekrie decided to take a holiday at the market in Blyth. She was escorted by her not-too-distant relatives, Sir Loine of Boef and Lady Rose Boef. Nora wanted to take home some memento of her visit, something more than the prepaid travel vouchers Sir Harold had supplied.
After a morning of making nice with the locals, receiving thanks, admiration, and not a few jibes about being from "the Colonies", Nora was quite enjoying herself. The morning tea and late lunch were taking up a serene position in her abdomen, the sun was shining, and the studied quaintness of the market enchanted her more with each passing hour.
She politely examined each stall of wares, commented astutely on some aspect of almost every shop, and generally impressed the vendors as something rather better than the stereotypical American tourist. Finally, at half-past two o'clock, she found the item to take home. An youngish gentleman selling out-of-print books had an item that intrigued her.

"It's the manuscript of an early draft of the speech," he explained as she bent over to examine the fine penmanship. "One of my ancestors was an assistant to Sir Isaac Newton. He served in Parliament, you know." Nora nodded. "Dodgy times, what with the Glorious Revolution and all, but my many-greats grandfather found a stable position with Sir Isaac, right after the knighthood gave him enough money to hire someone permanent-like. Sir Isaac asked G-g-g-grandfather, Thomas Hanscomb was his name, to write some for his first speech in the House of Lords. Oh, Newton supplied the ideas sure enough, but Hanscomb did the first bit of writing, not what many could write back then.
"Newton took Hanscomb's draft, did it up his own way, no surprise to either of them I warrant, and gave back the first. That's it, there in the frame and protective glass and all, and I keep it out of the sun like you see here." The three of them noted the shade over the one item, giving it further protection from the light. "Sir Isaac made his grand speech, both houses passed whatever bill, and Thomas Hanscomb stuffed this copy into his things. It come down to me after all this time."
Nora nodded, seeming to have reached some decision. "And it's certainly dear enough," she held up a hand to stop him, "but fairly, given its history. Across the pond, a representative's first speech in Congress is considered a great event." She considered her bank balance, held a mental argument with herself, and pulled out her billfold.
"I take traveler's cheques, VISA, and cash," he smiled. Nora smiled in return, pulling out a small plastic card.
She felt a polite tug at her sleeve: Rose. " For a purchase this significant, I usually like to get my mind well settled before I sign the papers, just to be sure. Shall we have a cuppa, and you talk to me about this?"
There was a note in Rose's voice; Nora had learned to respect that tone over her ten days with the family. She turned to the stall-keeper. "Would a fiver hold it for an hour?"
"M'lady, at this price, a scone would hold it for the day."
Nora grinned. "A scone, it is. With jam?" He nodded. They had a deal.

They chose their table and allowed Harold to seat them with their food. He trundled back to the stalls with the extra scone, leaving his wife and guest to discuss the matter.
"Rose, it sounds like I got off cheaply. You certainly know your business. Care to let me in on the secret? I'm usually the one who spots these things."

How did Rose know that Nora shouldn't buy the manuscript?

2007-02-08 14:28:23 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

It is a scorching afternoon in the piercing Texas sun when Detectives Sloan and Penter arrive at the scene of a fatal car accident. It is a one car accident. They are here to gather the facts and to submit a report as to what happened. At this time, there are no witnesses.

The accident has happened just outside of small town Springs Crossing on Hwy 128. The car is a brand new Viper and inside is a very lovely but dead young woman. The car is embedded into a tree and the victim's head is against the steering wheel.

Upon checking the scene, the detectives make some interesting observations. Here is a list of observations and findings that have included in their report:

Crash scene details:
Victim identity: Dr. Rachel Wells of Springs Crossing, Texas. The cherry red car was purchased two weeks before from Regency Dodge in nearby Dallas, Texas. Very few items are found in the car with the victim.

Inventory of Viper:
Trunk contents: Spare tire, car jack, exercise workout bag, small suitcase packed for a short getaway -- possibly to the beach, and her work briefcase. Inside the briefcase, they found patient medical files, a partial box of Elidel samples, an Epi Pen, a partial box of Benadryl, seminar materials and ticket stubs for an allergy conference from last month, a pocket medical reference book, a pocket drug reference book.

Car interior contents: victim's purse (usual purse contents plus Epi Pen and box of motion sickness patches), white Dr. coat with name badge, open tin of gourmet chocolaty chocolate chunk cookies with a signed gift tag attached: Fran's Gourmet Bakery To Rachel - My apologies! Jealousy and bitterness are hard to get over. Enjoy! Try my newest creation -- I made them just for you!! From: Fran. Cell phone is plugged into charger in car.

When the detectives checked the cell phone for messages, they found the following new messages all from 2 days ago:
Message 1: From Dr. Greer of Springs Crossing Family Medical Practice: "Rachel, quit stealing my patients! I don't care that you are a local gal and know everyone. I have been in this town for the last 10 years and you better not even take one more of my patients or else!! I was the Dr. here when you were still in Med. School -- Go away or you will be sorry!!

Message 2: Fran, owner or Fran's Gourmet Bakery:
"Rachel. Hi. Well, I guess that you are back in town after all these years. Have you heard from Jon in all these years? I still can't believe that he broke our engagement to chase you. You always were so beautiful -- all the guys loved you! You would think I would have known that he could not resist - I have known you since kindergarten. A lot of good it did Jon! If he would have chosen me, he and I both would have a family by now. Well we need to bury all that from the past. Call me please. Fran"

No skid marks of any kind are present on the roadway. Car appears to be in good mechanical condition with no pre-accident damage to the tires or brakes. Dr. was not taking any medications and her toxin test have come back clear. Dr. was not a diabetic or epileptic and did not have a heart attack or stroke. Falling asleep at the wheel was unlikely cause of accident. Cause of death: impact of head on dashboard during accident.

When the Chief of Detectives read their findings, he turned purple with anger. "You bumbling idiots! How could you miss something so obvious? It is right here in black and white. GET OUT and call in Blake and Jones. Your department is through with this case!

Why is the Chief so angry and what did Sloan and Penter miss in their investigation?

2007-02-08 14:25:50 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A witch owns a field containing many gold mines. She hires one man at a time to mine this gold for her. She promises 10% of what a man mines in a day, and he gives her the rest. Because she is blind, she has three magic bags who can talk. They report how much gold they held each day, and this is how she finds out if men are cheating her. Upon getting the job, each man agrees that if he isn't honest, then he will be turned into stone. So around the witch's mines, many statues lay!
Now comes a honest man named Garry. He accepts the job gladly. The witch, who didn't trust him said, "If I wrongly accuse you of cheating me, then I'll be turned into stone."
That night, Garry, having honestly done his first day's job, overheard the bags talking to the witch. He then formulated a plan...
The next night, he submitted his gold, and kept 1.6 pounds of gold.
Later, the witch talked with her bags. The first bag said it held 16 pounds that day. The second one said it held 5 pounds. The third one said it held 2 pounds. Beaming, the witch confronted Garry. "You scoundrel, you think you could fool me. Now you shall turn into stone!" the witch cried. One second later, the witch was hard as a rock, and very grey-looking. How did Garry brilliantly deceive the witch?

2007-02-08 14:24:32 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

The case had been closed for almost one hundred years. William Pritchett and his sister Olivia, had died of a strange ailment. Their arms and legs shook violently, they had severe abdominal cramps and fever. On her deathbed Olivia accused Holly, the maid, of poisoning her and her brother. Holly told a different tale; of William and Olivia's descent into madness and her efforts to cure them through herbs and vitamins. Holly was put on trial and convicted. When she died in jail of a similar sickness, it was assumed Holly had poisoned herself through carelessness and the case was closed.
Now, it was opened again as the relatives of those long dead battled in a civil suit. Holly's great nephew, was suing the wealthy Pritchett family, for the pain and humiliation his family had endured. He claimed William had gone mad and poisoned both Olivia and Holly. Forensic Psychologist Stella Mavis had been called in to determine the sanity of people who lived and died before she was born. Finding little information in the ancient file, Dr. Mavis traveled to the Pritchett mansion to look over some old belongings, stored in an attic.
When she pulled up, Detective Davis was already there, talking to Maya Pritchett, daughter of William's cousin.
Maya greeted Dr. Mavis, then showed them to the musty attic. "Most of this is William's." said Maya. "This was his workshop. Some woodworking but he mostly made those." She pointed to a large stack of moldy fur hats on a trunk. "It was his hobby, but he didn't feel it was a proper hobby for a high class gentlemen, so he worked on them up here. Underneath them is a trunk of Olivia's." Maya disappeared down the stairs, eager to get out of the stale air.
Detective Davis began looking through boxes of William's clothes. Dr. Mavis moved the furs away and looked through Olivia's trunk. Wrapped in a scarf on the bottom was a little diary. Dr. Mavis leaned against the pile of hats and read:
January 4th: I have been shopping in town and helping William, it's been so much fun to help make the hats! I don't like Holly. When she serves our tea, I am always helping William in the workshop, and she glares at me. She's just jealous of me.
May 18th: Today I was in the garden and I saw Holly's face change into a spider! Holly hates me, and I think the spider means she is going to hurt me. My tea tastes bitter, and Holly said it was medicine, but I don't believe her. I can see things for what they really are now and I think William can see them too.
September 20th: I am so tired of the medicine in my tea. I always feel sick after I drink it. Holly says I must stay away from William. She has turned on him and says he's dangerous! This must have been what the rainbow I saw yesterday meant when it said she would betray us...
December 12th: I ache and I have no control of my legs. But it's ok! I can fly! So can William, he says the unicorns told him we need to leave this place. I am so excited!
Dr. Mavis couldn't make out any more, but she didn't need to. "Davis," she said, "Let's go. I know what happened."

What happened to Olivia, William and Holly?

2007-02-08 14:23:28 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Four men met in a bar, and they soon found that all four of them had been to the Amazon Jungle. After a few more beers, they also realized that they had all been captured at least once, by fierce natives who ruled amazing fortresses. They soon got around to talking about their experiences, and their escapes. The first man said, "Well, I was once caught by natives who ruled a diamond palace. They caught me and took me to their king. He decreed that I was to die in one month. They threw me into a cell. Thank God that they didn't take my equipment. I had stolen a quartz file from one of the natives. I filed away the bars (it had curtains so they couldn't see) and escaped mere hours before I was to die."
The second man said, "I was also captured, but they took me to a simple copper structure. I did not have any such luxury of a month to escape, instead, a single day. Luckily they did not count on my desperation, and I was able to claw my way out of there using only my fingernails and pure adrenalin."
The third man said, "I was taken to the most amazing fortress of all. It was made out of black topaz. I was also the smartest of all of you," he bragged, "for I had brought with me a steel file. I was out in a jiff, and I was able to steal some of the topaz as well," he said as he showed everyone a piece of topaz hanging from a string around his neck.
The fourth man had been looking amused at the first and second men's stories, but as the third man finished he threw up his head and laughed. The other three men were looking slightly peeved, and asked him what he found so funny. He declared that they were all liars, and he could prove it.
How could he prove it, and when did each of the three men lie?

2007-02-08 14:22:33 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A line of 100 airline passengers is waiting to board a plane. They each hold a ticket to one of the 100 seats on that flight. (For convenience, let's say that the nth passenger in line has a ticket for the seat number n.)
Unfortunately, the first person in line is crazy, and will ignore the seat number on their ticket, picking a random seat to occupy. All of the other passengers are quite normal, and will go to their proper seat unless it is already occupied. If it is occupied, they will then find a free seat to sit in, at random.
What is the probability that the last (100th) person to board the plane will sit in their proper seat (#100)?

2007-02-08 14:19:20 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

2007-02-08 14:16:42 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I still dont get it. Someone explain it.

2007-02-08 14:16:12 · 3 answers · asked by Z 2

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.
"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

2007-02-08 14:15:59 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I heard this teaser this weekend from a medical student. Apparently, they ask this question to people to know if they are psychopaths. If you can answer it right away, you may have bizarre tendencies. You have all the elements to answer it, you don't have to elaborate complex theories. Ok, here it comes:

A young girl is at her mother's funeral. She meets a young man she had never seen before, but who's there as a part of family. She instantly falls in love with him. A few days after, she kills her sister. Why?

2007-02-08 14:15:38 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.

2007-02-08 14:14:56 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-08 13:57:54 · 18 answers · asked by cool_dude 1

i ravege the sea in uniform.
i am but a devious merchant
keeping my sources on the down low
pain is my game
my crew receives the cruelist share
who and what am i??

2007-02-08 13:56:21 · 10 answers · asked by mikey b 2

Find the error. It's impossible!
(can y'all find it?)
AAA
BBB
CCC
DDD
EEE
FFF
GGG
HHH
III
JJJ
KKK
LLL
MMM
NNN
OOO
PPP
QQQ
RRR
SSS
TTT
UUU
VVV
WWW
XXX
YYY
ZZZ

Did you know that 80% of UCSD students could not find the error above?

2007-02-08 13:50:49 · 18 answers · asked by bubble_bath951 3

piece of paper then you have to give me $50, but if I cannot, I will pay you $50." The boy looked around and saw no scale so he agrees, thinking no matter what the carny writes he'll just say he weighs more or less. In the end the boy ended up paying the man $50. How did the man win the bet?

2007-02-08 13:49:50 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because if it had 4 doors it would be a sedan.

2007-02-08 13:48:59 · 4 answers · asked by gus_zalenski 5

A woman and her daughter go to Europe for vacation. They check in at the hotel, register, and then go into separate rooms to sleep. The mother sleeps late, and when she wakes she goes to her daughter's room to wake her up. She knocks, and nobody answers. She turns the knob and to her surprise it is unlocked. She goes inside and finds nobody. She notices the room is very clean though. She goes downstairs, glances at the registry, and to her shock her daughter's name is nowhere to be seen! When she asks the clerk about her daughter, the clerk says she (the mother) did not come in with any other person!

What happened to her daughter?

2007-02-08 13:48:04 · 18 answers · asked by mrs.kerry 1

A man was found alone in his car dead with a gunshot wound to the head. Using the following clues, determine how the murder happened.

1. He was shot and killed while sitting in the driver's seat (where he is and was when his body was discovered).

2. All of the doors were locked and the windows were rolled up and no windows were missing from the vehicle or broken.

3. The man was shot AFTER the doors were locked and the windows were rolled up.

4. There are no bullet holes anywhere on or in the vehicle itself.

5. The killer was on the outside of the vehicle when he shot the man.

2007-02-08 13:47:57 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-08 13:47:11 · 21 answers · asked by mrs.kerry 1

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. There was a short line with just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated. He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla for yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change? Why you no give hunat dolla again?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

2007-02-08 13:45:52 · 5 answers · asked by yagman 7

You are enjoying your breakfast after having put some salt on your scrambled eggs when your nerdy brother presents you with an ice cube floating in a glass of water and a short length of string. He challenges you to remove the ice cube from the glass using the string without tying any knots. What strategy do you use to remove the ice cube from the water glass?

2007-02-08 13:42:44 · 9 answers · asked by mrs.kerry 1

Question - Why did the boy stick a hose in his freinds ear?

Answer - Beacuse he was a IDIOT!


hahahaah
did that make you cry?

2007-02-08 13:39:11 · 9 answers · asked by TastelessFish 3