Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

2007-02-09 00:09:00 · 7 answers · asked by McQ 3

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will
Make your lives better. The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments? "
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living." Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill." "Not kill? We're not interested."

God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments. "
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and
mother." "Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments. "
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not
Steal." "Not steal? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments. "
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not
Commit adultery." "Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

2007-02-08 23:54:17 · 9 answers · asked by ? 4

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when
her car broke down
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a
nearby town.She climbed up behind him on the horse and then rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would
Let out 'Ye-e-e-e-h--a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding
Hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited? " asked the
service-station attendant
"Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put
My arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off".
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

2007-02-08 23:52:42 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Vaseline Market Research

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

2007-02-08 23:39:57 · 10 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

You can sleep with a light on;)

2007-02-08 23:37:11 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up
on that morning
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say

"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy
Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They
will remember


My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a
word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat
despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning
Boss, and by the way "Happy Birthday"

It felt a little better that at
least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,when Jane knocked on my door and
Said, you know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday
What do you say we go out for lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.

She chose instead a quite bistro with a private table. We had two
martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a
beautiful day...We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?" She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment it's just around the corner.


After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "
Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment I'll be right back

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she
came out carrying a huge birthday cake.....Followed by my wife , my kids
and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy
Birthday".

And I just sat there...On the couch...

Naked.

2007-02-08 23:21:22 · 20 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Icy dead people !!

2007-02-08 23:14:18 · 27 answers · asked by Red5 5

It took a couple hours for my question to post and now it's on here three times!!

2007-02-08 23:10:20 · 7 answers · asked by Lori 4

A little girl and little boy meet each other in hospital. The boy asks the girl what was wrong with her. She replied that she had just had a tonsil operation. She asks him whether he had ever had any operation. 'Yes, I was circumsized when I was 7 days old. It was so painful it took me 13 months before I could walk'.

2007-02-08 23:07:57 · 7 answers · asked by MaggieSA 3

What is more powerful than god?
What is more evil than the devil?
If you eat it you die,
Poor people have it and rich people need it.

Tell me, its a tough one.

2007-02-08 23:04:05 · 8 answers · asked by Niel S. Alkane 1

A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?"
"A multi-millionaire."

2007-02-08 22:47:11 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Banta was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to # 329, Next Street.

By mistake, he went to # 239, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him.

She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered.

Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.

"My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot."

"Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."



*****************************

2007-02-08 22:41:44 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I heard this one joke I thought is so funny, I rolled in laughter. What do you think?

3 men died one day and came before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

1st man was asked, so how many times did you cheat on your wife? Man says, oh, about 50 or so..., so St. Peter lets him in and gives him a pinto to drive.

2cd man arrives, and St. Peter asks how many times he cheated on his wife. Well, I'd say about 25 or so. St. Peter opens the gates wide and gives him a camaro to drive.

3rd man came to the gates and St Peter asked, so how many times did you cheat on your wife? I never cheated at all, sir, he replied. Peter rolls the gates wide and gives the man a brand new Rolls Royce to drive.

Sometime later, the other 2 guys find the 3rd guy bawling his eyes out beside the road. "What's wrong?", they asked. "You got the good car to drive!"

I know, replied the 3rd man, but I just saw my wife go by, and she was on SKATES!

LOL

Tell me what you think, (Sorry ladies, no offense, just a joke!)

2007-02-08 22:30:24 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

What emotion is an anagram of a homonym of an antonym of a homonym of an anagram of wolf?

2007-02-08 22:29:01 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

61, 691, 163, 487, 4201, ?

2007-02-08 22:27:05 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-08 22:16:28 · 13 answers · asked by esskaykhan 2

Although we are one, we are ranked into three
We basically help you in the same way you'll see
First, second, or third is not the order we finish
Moving a part on us causes our advantage to diminish.
What are we?

2007-02-08 22:15:36 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

One and halfscore, the posts are showing,
win, place, and show united is rejection as a marking;
the middle five of the whole, a type of setting,
the last eight is a man prone to writing.

Four in one, its middle two is a cannon booming,
with bursts of fire like a hundred stars dancing;
within that center is a country if you're looking,
a city you'll find,if you focus on the beginning.

Its first quarter is a letter with a greeting,
the next,a memory with one millennium missing;
then a duke,a prince or a king,
the last,an endless catch in the sport of fishing.

QUESTION: What is the word?

2007-02-08 22:12:27 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two men were standing at adjacent urinals when one said to
the other, "I'll bet you were born in Newark, Ohio."

"Why, that's right!" said the second man in surprise.

"And I'll bet you were circumcised when you were three days
old."

"Right again. But how'd you --"

"And I'll bet it was done by old Doc Steadman."

"Well, yes, but how did you know!?" asked the second man in
amazement.

"Well, old Doc always cut them at a 60-degree angle,"
explained the first guy, "and you're pissing on my shoe."

2007-02-08 22:04:05 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

U.S.Presidents have been quoted since the United States began. Please decode the names of the Presidents and match them with their coded statements.

1. Iwuizib Ompjcop
2. Nczp Akppkxh
3. Vzcbie Nkyykuecp
4. Ohpxcp Nczpecp
5. Zkuwkuv Zcctku

1. I lccx biph vzmple lc iucfpx mp vzk xiua wkemxke Eipvi Joife.

2. Gzkp hcf ukijz vzk kpx cy hcfu ucqk, vmk i apcv mp mv, ipx zipl cp.

3. Xc hcf ukiomrk vzk ukeqcpemwmomvh M jiuuh? M'b vzk cpoh qkuecp wkvgkkp Umjziux Pmscp ipx vzk Gzmvk Zcfek.

4.Pc bivvku zcg bfjz jive ymlzv, vzkuk iogihe ekkb vc wk qokpvh cy amvvkpe.

5.Gzkp M gie hcfpl, qctkuvh gie ec jcbbcp gk xmxp'v apcg mv zix i pibk.

2007-02-08 22:03:49 · 4 answers · asked by mrs.kerry 1

Professor Abacus, leading authority in the field of cryptomathology, has just published a paper on the American monetary system. In the paper, he proved that there is a mathematical relationship between DOLLAR and QUARTER. To convert from dollars to quarters, multiply the number of dollars by 4. Make the following equation correct by replacing each letter with a numeral (0 through 9). Each letter can represent only one numeral, and each numeral can only be represented by one letter. There are no leading 0's. Since there are only nine different letters, one numeral will not be used. There is only one solution.

DOLLAR * 4 = QUARTER

2007-02-08 22:03:13 · 4 answers · asked by mrs.kerry 1

The following quotes are from famous people, but the quotes themselves aren't all that famous.

1) J cint ztbuze kimtkp. Ncth ncjyq ncth qyur tftzhncjyv.

-Wtppjbi Pjsgpuy

2) Nct buuk ncjyv imuxn mtjyv lisuxp jp nziftkjyv. J cift ikrihp riynte nu nziftk ibzupp ptip, kjqt nu Biyiei iye pnxll.

-Mzjnyth Pgtizp

2007-02-08 21:59:46 · 7 answers · asked by mrs.kerry 1

The following quotes have the same author and follow the same key. Can you decode this?

ZB JDR MDP'A QZYW KDCWAXZPO VXLPOW ZA. ZB JDR VLP'A VXLPOW ZA, VXLPOW JDRE LAAZARMW. MDP'A VDCIQLZP.

KRVVWKK ZK QZYZPO JDREKWQB, QZYZPO FXLA JDR MD, LPM QZYZPO XDF JDR MD ZA.
---CLJL LPOWQDR

2007-02-08 21:57:55 · 2 answers · asked by mrs.kerry 1

The beginning of a well known book has been encrypted below. Each letter of the alphabet has been replaced by another using a simple substitution technique. For example, A may always be represented by G, etc. Can you name the book?

F tqd relw fw czs jsql 1632, fw czs xfcj eu Jelk, eu q neey uqmfpj, czebnz wec eu czqc xebwclj, mj uqczsl rsfwn q uelsfnwsl eu Rlsmsw, tze dsccpsy ufldc qc Zbpp. Zs nec q neey sdcqcs rj mslxzqwyfds, qwy psqofwn euu zfd clqys, pfosy qucsltqlyd qc Jelk, ulem tzswxs zs zqy mqllfsy mj meczsl, tzeds lspqcfewd tsls wqmsy Lerfwdew, q oslj neey uqmfpj fw czqc xebwclj, qwy ulem tzem F tqd xqppsy Lerfwdew Klsbcvwqsl; rbc, rj czs bdbqp xellbhcfew eu telyd fw Swnpqwy, ts qls wet xqppsy - wqj ts xqpp ebldsposd qwy tlfcs ebl wqms - Xlbdes; qwy de mj xemhqwfewd qptqjd xqppsy ms.

2007-02-08 21:56:34 · 5 answers · asked by mrs.kerry 1

With the death of Arthur Minit, the legendary country of MADADIA's only clock maker, no one else had much experience yet with making clocks. The new church of MADADIA had just been completed and a new clock was needed to fit into the bell tower. A clock was made by the locals, using the books of Arthur Minit as a guide.The newly made clock was officially put into use when it showed 6 o'clock. But soon it was noticed that the hour-hand and minute-hand had been interchanged and attached to the wrong spindles. The result was that the hour-hand moved with a speed twelve times higher than the minute-hand. When a clock maker arrived from another area, a remarkable thing happened: on the moment he inspected the clock, it showed exactly the right time.

The Question: If the clock started in the 6 o'clock position, then what was the first moment that it showed the correct time again?

2007-02-08 21:53:50 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mad Ade was standing outside waiting as usual for the Sweaty Chef Kebab Shop to open and was staring into the shop window of the store next door. He noticed a chess set on display.
He wondered how many ways are there of arranging the sixteen black or white pieces of the chess set on the first two rows of the board?
Obviously, Mad Ade did not bother working it out as the Kebab shop opened almost immediately as he thought about it.
What would have been the answer if Mad Ade wasn't so greedy and had worked it out?


Given that each pawn is identical and each rook, knight and bishop is identical to its pair.

2007-02-08 21:49:00 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 boys were born on the same day,time & day and were neibers.they started school on the same year,even in tertial they were together and were best friends.they were honest to each other.on the graduation day,when 1 of then go to toilet,enter a layd & give letter to the other 1.when other 1 came to toilet he show the letter to his friend.when he saw the letter he hit him.the maneger,freinds & his parents hit him to death when they so the letter.on the funeral day community hit him althou he is alread dead and burn him.what was writtern on the letter that cause everyone to be angry?

2007-02-08 21:47:05 · 8 answers · asked by GCOBANI N 1

First prostitutes and now the turkeys. The chances of getting a gobble in Suffolk are getting more remote by the minute.....

2007-02-08 21:43:11 · 11 answers · asked by Ecko 4

Two farmhands went to a country dance.
Joe had a wooden eye and was very self-conscious about it.
Joe told the other guy, Bill, that he was worried about someone
saying something about his wooden eye. Bill told him not to
worry because it was a good eye and most people couldn't tell
it from a real eye.

Bill danced nearly every dance as there was a lot of farm girls
there. But Joe didn't dance at all. Finally, Bill went over to Joe
and asked if he had danced with any of the girls.

Joe said that he hadn’t because he was concerned about
someone saying something about his wooden eye. Bill told him
again not to be concerned about it. Bill pointed to a girl sitting
across the room and said,

"See that good-looking girl over there? She's got hairy arm pits and hasn't danced once tonight. I danced with her once before & she's an excellent dancer and real
polite too but she’s just a little deaf. Go over there and ask her to dance.
She won't say a thing about your wooden eye."

So Joe had a couple of more snorts of courage and went over
to the girl and asked, "Would you want to dance?"
To which she replied, "Wouldn’t I…?
Wouldn’t I??"

Joe replied, "YOU HAIRY ARM PIT!! YOU HAIRY ARM PIT!!!!"

2007-02-08 21:41:54 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Add the miles

Derby 7 miles
Leeds 82 miles
Durham 155miles.

Now the answer wasn't 244, 247, 148,3 or 4. Apparently there was no answer because every caller was wrong. But what would the answer be? Or if you saw the end of the show what was the answer?

2007-02-08 21:31:06 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous