Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.

2007-02-09 02:31:25 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

a good joke 2 start the morning off with?

2007-02-09 02:13:31 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

How will you spend your last few days.

2007-02-09 02:03:55 · 18 answers · asked by Miguel C 3

my funny bone hasnt been tickled for a while can anyone tell me some funny jokes or stories. (i'm not easily offended so be rude if it floats ya boat)........i thank you

2007-02-09 02:02:13 · 10 answers · asked by Uncle Elroy 4

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and *** kissing that will put you over the top

2007-02-09 02:00:26 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

a son ask his dad the difference between ' theoretically and realistically'' dad says thats hard, but i have an idea.. ask mum if she would sleep with the milk man for a million quid??...mum says yes. dad says now ask your sister if she'll sleep with the window cleaner for 2 million quid....sister says yes...
well there you go son, thats your answer, theoretically we're sitting on 3million quid but realistically we're living with 2 $lags!!!!!

2007-02-09 01:57:56 · 12 answers · asked by emma d 3

The Male Perspective
We always hear the rules from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules Please note these are all numbered “1 ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it Don’t try to change that
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl If its up, put it down We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
JUST SAY IT!
1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do sympathy is what your girlfriends are for
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem See a doctor
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument In fact all comments become null and void after 7 days
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done Not both If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself
1. Whenever possible please say whatever you have to say during commercials
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing,’ we will act like nothing’s wrong We know you are lying but it is just not worth the hassle
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear
1. When we have to go some where, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really
1. Don t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars
1. You have enough clothes
1. You have too many shoes
1.1 am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this, Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that it’s like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can to give them a laugh
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education

2007-02-09 01:54:18 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads “low bridge ahead.” Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
“Got stuck?” The lorry driver says, “No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol.”



A blonde women named Nancy and a blonde women named Betty want to rob a bank, so Nancy makes a plan. Nancy goes over the plan with Betty. Nancy says," Do you understand the plan, Betty?" Betty replies "Yes, I understand the plan. Nancy and Betty go to the bank they want to rob and Betty is the one going in and Nancy will be the one to get ready to drive when Betty is ready to go with the money. So Nancy says" You should be out in about 3-5 minutes." So Betty goes in. Nancy is getting very impatient because Betty has been in there for 10 minutes.

2007-02-09 01:52:49 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because they don't like *****

2007-02-09 01:51:49 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

i'm really bored right now and i could use a good laugh.....

2007-02-09 01:41:40 · 6 answers · asked by anna gr 3

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk?

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the
crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and
leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4.
Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays,
and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't
know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him
and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

2007-02-09 01:39:11 · 13 answers · asked by Janey 3

2007-02-09 01:35:09 · 14 answers · asked by cw2007 1

there once was a man called dave, he dug up a prostitutes grave. she smelt like sh1t, had only one tit, but look at the money he saved!

2007-02-09 01:32:25 · 5 answers · asked by lilshadygal 2

a medical professor was lecturing his 1st year students about ''involuntary muscle contractions''.
to liven up the lesson he asked one of his female students, ''for example, do you know what your ar*ehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'' to which she replied ''probably having a drink with his mates

2007-02-09 01:32:13 · 11 answers · asked by emma d 3

do people with no sense of humour visit this page ? beware Opaquetransparency !! reports you for content that's niether a question or answer ? On a JOKE page !!!

A-NAL !!!!

2007-02-09 01:27:44 · 15 answers · asked by Red5 5

RUDE IS WHEN YOU THROW YOUR KNICKERS AT THE WALL AND THEY FALL OFF AND CRUDE IS WHEN YOU THROW YOUR KNICKERS AT THE WALL AND THEY STICK!

2007-02-09 01:20:20 · 26 answers · asked by lilshadygal 2

EASY

2007-02-09 01:17:35 · 4 answers · asked by Rosiee x33 (: 2

2007-02-09 01:12:47 · 1 answers · asked by BMW M5 3

At a beauty contest, a girl with No.1 on her back said to the judge "If I win, I'll let you kiss me". The girl with No.2 on her back said "If I win, I'll let you kiss and cuddle me." No.17 won.

2007-02-09 01:10:43 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

two crisps were walking down the road and a car pulls over and offers them a lift... they reply "no thanks we're walkers"

boom boom

2007-02-09 01:01:15 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

This midget with a horrible speech inmediment goes to a local horse ranch and is interested in this horse. So he calls over the owner to ask some questions before buying. He says "Can I thee her Teef?" So the owner picks him up and shows him her teeth." Very nicth". "Can I thee her eyeths?" So again geeting aggravted he picks the midget upi and shows him her eyes. "very nicth" He walks around the horse once more and says "Can I thee her trot?" The man gets angry and shoves the midget up the horses P ussy. The midget gets out and says "Let me rephase thit, can I thee her run?"
LOL, funny?

2007-02-09 01:00:43 · 5 answers · asked by jdnsmama1 3

This man is at a local bar and has had a little to much to drink. He wonders to the bathrooms and while he is peeing he notices a small man is beside him doing his buisness also. Uncontrollably he looks down and notices that the man's **** is HUGH. He then says to the small man " How did your **** get so hugh?" The small man replies "See i am a leperchaun and that is what I asked for, I do grant wishes you see!" The man amazed said " Could you make my **** as big as yours?" The leperchaun shrugs and says " In order for that wish to take affect I need to put mine in your a s s." Very uneasy the drunk man agrees and thinks hey no one will know and I will be blessed with a hunk ****. So they go in the stall and the small man is on the toilet just getting it and the drunk man blurts out " I cant believe a leperchaun is F*cking me" And the small man blurts out " I cant believe you actually believes I was a leperchaun"


lol, funny?

2007-02-09 00:54:10 · 6 answers · asked by jdnsmama1 3

2007-02-09 00:53:47 · 17 answers · asked by simon m 1

Dirty and clean both welcome.

My favourite clean one at the moment is:
Q: Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?
A: Cos parrots et 'em all (paracetemol).
Lame and a pun, but funny all the same, I reckon.

Dirtiest one (sorry, it's very very very wrong):
Q: What's the hottest thing about twenty-five year olds?
A: There's twenty of them.
Paedophilia's sick and evil

2007-02-09 00:44:42 · 11 answers · asked by lazer 3

2007-02-09 00:39:28 · 8 answers · asked by ? 3

Nessy joins up with a school of Whales in the Atlantic Ocean. "Can I swim with you guys for a couple of weeks? They are trawling Loch Ness again. God knows what they're looking for."

2007-02-09 00:35:41 · 19 answers · asked by poppy vox 4

Tell me that how many times 7 comes between 1 to 100???
as soon as possible

2007-02-09 00:31:55 · 21 answers · asked by Mokkshi 1

2007-02-09 00:23:08 · 11 answers · asked by thuglife 5

A blonde goes horse back riding. It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop. The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins. The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down. She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes and unplugs it. okay okay now will some one answer this does anybody have a clue how to get some free creditz on imvu im not aloud to do the credit card thing so does anyone have a little trick or somthing they do to get free creditz im getting married on imvu and i still need lots of stuff if you help you get an invite to the wedding my name on there is darkneslove

2007-02-09 00:16:04 · 4 answers · asked by ♥kristie♥ 2

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

2007-02-09 00:15:12 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous