i need a humour lift?

Question

my funny bone hasnt been tickled for a while can anyone tell me some funny jokes or stories. (i'm not easily offended so be rude if it floats ya boat)........i thank you

Answer 1

Why Microsoft shouldn't make cars

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy
more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that's powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.





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Forbidden love

They were alone in the house. It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come up quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.

She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance. She wished he would take her in his arms, comfort her, protect her from the storm, she wanted that....

Then the power went out. She screamed. He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He did not hesitate to pull her into his arms.

He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.

The storm raged on, as did their growing passion.... There came a moment when each knew they had to be together.

They knew it was wrong... their families would not understand ... but... so consumed in their passion, they didn't hear the door open... the click of the light switch ... the power was back on, and.............

CAUGHT..........



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Quick Tips

X-FILES FANS! Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by simply drinking two bottles of vodka. The following morning you will invariably wake up in a strange place, having had your memory mysteriously "erased".
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IF YOU WIN THE LOTTERY... Buy up every ticket for each night Garth Brooks plays his local gigs. Then stand in the middle of the field, wait for the big turd to finish his first song, then shout "YOU'RE ****!" and walk out.

The second night would involve the same thing - after the first song simply shout "YOU'RE STILL ****!" and walk out.
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CLAIRVOYANTS! Instead of booking expensive TV commercials asking people to ring you looking for their horoscopes, show your customers what you're made of by calling them *just* before they pick up the phone.
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JUDGES! Have a bit of harmless fun with the accused when giving judgment - take out a black hanky and put it on your head.
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CINEMA-GOERS! Save your time and money by not going to see the Blair Witch Project. Instead, fill a large plastic bag with dry leaves. Then shake the bag while the light is switched off.
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AIRCRAFT MANUFACTURERS! Why not consider using the material used in the Black Box for the whole plane.
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POLICE! Arrest that man out walking his dog. He has come across too many dead bodies for our liking.
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RESTAURANT CUSTOMERS! Tie a tablecloth around your neck and tell the waiter "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
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PARANOID X-FILE FANS! Make guests believe your flat might be bugged by running your hands under the tables and inside lampshades, then turning on the shower every time you want to speak.
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BIG MAC EATERS! Transform your garage into a drive-in McDonalds. Simply sit in your car, lower your window and demand that your wife/girlfriend/little sister brings you a cup of coffee, on roller skates.
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HOME OWNERS! Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on December 26th. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
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TROUBLE WITH NOSY NEIGHBORS? Convince them that you've just invented a 'SHRINKING' device.

Simply ruffle up your hair, wear a white lab coat and park a bulldozer outside your house for a few days.

Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and secretly replace the bulldozer with a small Dinky/Tonka toy of the same description.

Just watch their faces in the morning!






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Go on, tell them

This story occurred on Melbourne radio recently.

One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their
spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the
answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.

Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Gidday its FOX-FM, do you want to play the game?

Brian: Yeah, sure.

Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?

Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.

Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it mate?

Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.

Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!

Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one

Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?

Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?

Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line,say hello.

Sharelle: Hi Brian.

Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.

Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.

Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?

Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.

Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.

Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question.

How long did it go for Sharelle?

Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question.

Where did you do it?

Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.

Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.

Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway just tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ****!

Instant Radio Silence. Advert.

Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.





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Two sides of the story

Her side of the story:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.

The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.

We went to this restaurant and he was still acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no.

But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his flat, I said I loved him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything.

We finally get back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me!

So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then after about 10
minutes, he Joined me in bed and we had sex.

But he still seemed really distracted,so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep.

I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???


His side of the story:

Yankees lost. Tired. Bit drunk. Got laid though.





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Little Nancy

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your ******* cat."

Answer 2

My Top 5 1.Dart your eyes back and forth wile humming the tune to mission impossible. 2. Put in a desk and chair and when somebody comes in say ' do you have an appointment?' 3. Get into a lift with about 3 people, with a small notepad, stand in-front of one, stare then scribble notes on the pad. When they try to look gasp and hide it away. 4. Grin really big and when people start to stare say loudly and proudly 'I've got new socks on!' 5. Stand in the corner, facing the wall in silence, without getting off.

Answer 3

Last Night I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of which one was already occupied.

So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied "Yeah, not too bad thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to mate?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly it must be said.

Unsure what to say, I replied "Umm, just having a quick poo.. How about yourself?"




I then heard the voice for the third time ..... "Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some d!ck head in the loo next to me answering everything I say."

Answer 4

A Jew, a Black, and a Catholic walk into a bar. The bar is run by Muslims. The Muslims don't serve alcohol. The Jew, the Black, and the Catholic say to the bartender, "How can this be a bar if you don't have booze?" The Muslim says, "I dunno. Ask my boss, the Chinese guy, he runs the place."

Answer 5

Just take a good hard long look at your co workers

Answer 6

one day you'll be surprised to see me beside you.
You and me laughing, you and me crying, you and me dreaming,
You and me holding on together..........just you and me, sitting in a F*c!ing MENTAL HOSPITAL.
But youre still my mate, even though I won't know who the F*ck you are!!!!!!!!!!!
Hope this tickled your funny bone.

Answer 7

yes someone pleaseeeeeeee share their humour.. Im sooooooooo depressed..

Answer 8

http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AgmJT.jPm9wAk5QK4hKctCUgBgx.?qid=20070209021414AANIEZe try this dude Ive got over 30 stars for it

Answer 9

You were not supposed to be born - it was the failure of a condom that caused you - b#$%-*** - f*** off

Answer 10

Why does Micheal Jackson not like sports day?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????







Because he doesn't know what 'race' he is in.