Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

My first is in first but not in seventh, my second is in third but not in ninth, my third is in fifth but not in second, my fourth is in sixth but not in eighth, my whole is what is missing, which spoils it.
What am I?

2007-02-09 08:00:04 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

You could see me, but not all the time.
You could feel me, feeling something outside.
I can be big, and I can be small,
Expand to a wall or compress to a ball.
There is no limit to my size, hehe.
Can you figure out who I am? Hehe.

2007-02-09 07:56:11 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

I need a good laugh..... Do ya have any REALLY funny ones?

2007-02-09 07:54:42 · 8 answers · asked by sWeeTy PiE 1

OK. this one's a little easier. After asking this next question, my total Yahoo! Answers points will equal my birth year. I have not celebrated my birthday yet this year. How old am I?

2007-02-09 07:54:06 · 33 answers · asked by Krazykraut 3

I travel around the world,
but only stay in corners.
What am i?

2007-02-09 07:52:42 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Anything is accpeted here !!!!!!!just tell me the best!!!!!!!!!!

2007-02-09 07:47:26 · 16 answers · asked by fisherman 78 2

O.k. for all of you who have weak stomachs and don't like sexual jokes this oneisn't for you, and i'm giving you a fair warning so i don't offend. (besides this really isn't my humour but this one single joke got me to laugh).

nick, cid, and gabe are walking down the street, they stop in front of a house

Nick says: Dude i know this girl in here that will put a doughnut on your **** and eat it off

cid and gabe: ehh we don't beleive you show us

so they all go in the house. They meet the girl and she insist on only one at a time so nick goes first with the girl in to a room and closes the door.

30 minutes later nick leaves the room and says

Nick: o.k. Cid your up next

cid then goes to the back room and finishes 30 minutes later.

Cid- alright gabe your up man good luck

in the room there is silence, about 5 minutes later gabe comes running out of the room

Gabe- Hey Someone help me find a cheerio please!!!

La fin

2007-02-09 07:43:04 · 7 answers · asked by aphotic nostrum 4

His Mouse Pad! HAHAHAHAHA!

2007-02-09 07:38:26 · 12 answers · asked by Year of the Monkey 5

When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...

IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.

IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.

NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

2007-02-09 07:35:25 · 40 answers · asked by Tink 5

2007-02-09 07:34:06 · 16 answers · asked by Mullet Man 2

This is a classic. Most people here should know this, but. . .
2 sons and 2 fathers went fishing. Each of them caught 1 fish, but they ended up with 3! No fish were lost, and none were eaten or damaged in any way. How is this possible?

2007-02-09 07:32:46 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Through out the entire high school football season "Malili" never was given a chance to play in any of the games. It was now the last game of the season and the team was winning by a lot of points. With about 2 minutes left in "malili" senior year of high school football the coach gives out a monsterous yell and says, Malili come here, are you ready to get pumped? Malili says, i- goach I pumb ub. Coach-O.K., Malili I want you to get in there and get vicious, Malili replies- O.GAE Goach. Malili exsitingly runs on to the field to play defense for the next play. Soon as the play is over, Malili runs back to the sideline and says to his coach, -Oka goach I never see Vicious, what number he wear?




can add your own jokes too.

2007-02-09 07:28:34 · 4 answers · asked by talofa lava 2

Ok, you've probably all heard this before, but I thought I'd share it.

One day a woman gets horny, so she dresses herself up all seductively, putting on a sexy diaphanous nightie and letting her hair loose. She finds a long piece of silk and then waits.

Soon after, her husband comes back from work. Dangling the cord in front of him, she purrs 'tie me up and then you can do ANYTHING you want'. Smiling, he ties her up and goes golfing.

What do you think? Likely? :-p

2007-02-09 07:27:47 · 2 answers · asked by Flaze 3

2007-02-09 07:18:24 · 4 answers · asked by behrooz k 1

none! THAT'S Womens work!

2007-02-09 07:10:44 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God says, "That was the screen saver

2007-02-09 07:08:46 · 39 answers · asked by Tink 5

A wife cals her lover over durin the day, while her husband is at work. Unknownly , her 9 yr old son was hiding in the closet.Her hubby came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here"
Man: "Yes it is"
Boy: "I hav a baseball"
Man: "dats nice"
Boy: "Wana buy it?"
Man: "No thanx"
Boy: My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy & the mom's lover are in the closet 2gether.

Boy: "Dark in here"
Man: "Yes, it is"
Boy: "I have a baseball glove"
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Fine"

A few days l8r, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside & play baseball."

boy says:"I can't! I sold them."

father asks "How much did u sell them for?"

son says,"$1,000."

father says "dats terrible 2 overcharge yr friend,dats way more than those 2 things cost.I'm goin 2 take u 2 church & make you confess.They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again I have already paid so much......

2007-02-09 07:06:48 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

does anyone have a Q- tip?
And let me give a hint:
this cheese is not exactly cottage.

2007-02-09 06:57:24 · 3 answers · asked by Lenneth's true challenge 4

For instance...will you marry me or a birthdate or i love you

2007-02-09 06:50:45 · 2 answers · asked by Rachel 1

A man asks the chemist for 143 condoms. "Make it 144 and I won't have to split the pack" says the chemist. Says the man "What do you take me for, a sex maniac?"

2007-02-09 06:48:44 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-09 06:47:50 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok this is the thing i want to laugh so ths is war ou come in tell me a jokes...cuz i really nead a laugh.

2007-02-09 06:45:01 · 2 answers · asked by Stephanie and lindsay 1

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

2007-02-09 06:42:52 · 39 answers · asked by Tink 5

The Brunette. The Blonde had to stop for directions.

2007-02-09 06:37:13 · 42 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first was a draftsman, the second an accountant, the third a pharmacist and the fourth a painter and decorator. To show off, the draftsman called to his dog, “T-square, strut your stuff, boy!” T-square the dog jumped up on a drawing board, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that T-square was pretty clever. The accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen biscuits and promptly divided them into four piles of three. Everyone agreed that Spreadsheet was bloody clever. The pharmacist said his dog could do even better. He called his dog and said, “Test Tube, do your stuff!” Test Tube got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a pint of milk, got a glass from the cupboard and filled it to the brim without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that Test Tube was pretty clever too. Thn the three men turned to the painter and decorator and said, “What can your mangy old mutt do?" The painter and decorator whistled to his dog and said, “Tea Break, hit it, mate!” Tea Break jumped to his feet, ate the biscuits, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, humped the other three dogs, claimed he'd injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, applied for compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave, after accepting the offer of counselling.

2007-02-09 06:26:02 · 2 answers · asked by richard_beckham2001 7

Or is it ever OK to poke fun at the dearly departed?

2007-02-09 06:22:59 · 35 answers · asked by Tough Love 5

Last years hide and seek champion.

2007-02-09 06:15:22 · 33 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

2007-02-09 06:11:45 · 65 answers · asked by Tink 5

2007-02-09 06:07:17 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

anyone recommend a good joke website? thanks....

2007-02-09 05:57:04 · 6 answers · asked by Deafdruid 3