Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED

2007-02-08 08:23:40 · 11 answers · asked by soarer 2

A little girl is overheard by her dad saying her prayers & thought it odd she said "bless mommy, daddy, & say bye to uncle joe". Not thinking much of it until the next day when uncle joe died. Fes weeks later, daddy hears her praying & says, "bless mommy, daddy, & say bye to Mr. Smith". Sure enough the next day, the nieghbor Mr. Smith dies!

Baffled, the father thinks she may have some type of powers. The next week he hears her say, "bless mommy & say bye to daddy". This just freaks him out! He goes to work the next day in a panic. Instead of driving, he takes the bus, he skips breakfast & lunch just in case. He locked the door to his office all day & would not come out! Wouldnt talk to anyone. At the end of the day, his wife is worried & wants him to come home. She sounded a bit upset & he asks her what is wrong. She says, "the strangest thing, this morning, the mailman came to deliver the mail & just dropped dead!"

2007-02-08 08:21:01 · 9 answers · asked by ricks 5

2007-02-08 08:17:27 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other ones penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

*IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL !!!! *

2007-02-08 08:05:51 · 1 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

HARD QUESTION))

2007-02-08 08:05:15 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

You can do this with a calculator or with a pencil and paper. First, write down or punch in the year you were born. The whole 4 number year. Next, think of a year that is important to you for some reason. It must be a year in which you were alive. Then add that 4 number year to the year you were born. Next, think in your head how many years it been since that special year and add that number to the other two. Last, add you age to the three numbers above. What number did you come up with. Could it be 4013?

2007-02-08 08:02:08 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,

"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die?" She says, "Of course, dear. "And they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife,."Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?"

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning...You don't.

2007-02-08 07:55:14 · 11 answers · asked by Krazykraut 3

For my 13th birthday party, I want it to be at a hotel. About 7 girls there. From some of my previous questions, I asked for pranks for whoever fell asleep first. The best answer said to get 2 rooms. Tell everone else to leave to the 2nd room. And no one knows we got 2 rooms. Except for when I tell them. So we leave the early sleeper in there to think we left them. But I want some more pranks. Like setting up pranks all over the hotel room. And putting vaseline on the doorknobs so they can't even get out. EMBARRASSING pranks! PLEASE tell me what kind of funnt pranks I could set up in the hotel room for the early sleeper. PLEASE!

2007-02-08 07:54:38 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.spam.com/

I referred to the community guidelines but I'm still in doubt.

2007-02-08 07:52:22 · 12 answers · asked by Gar 3

The owner of the local bank found a $50 bill lying in the gutter: he picked it up and made a note of its serial number. Later that day his wife mentioned that they owed the butcher $50, so the banker used the bill he'd found to settle up with the butcher. The butcher used it to pay a farmer: the farmer in turn used it to pay his feedstock supplier: and the feedstock supplier used it to pay his laundry bill. The laundryman used it to pay off his $50 overdraft at the local bank. The banker recognized the bill as being the one he had found in the gutter, but also noticed, on closer examination, that it was a fake. By now. it had been used to settle $250 worth of debts.

What was lost as a result of this series of transactions, and by whom?

2007-02-08 07:42:48 · 11 answers · asked by ghc5417 3

2007-02-08 07:38:46 · 7 answers · asked by ashley r 1

Whoever tells a joke I haven't heard before and make me laugh gets the points.

I can't wait!!

2007-02-08 07:33:24 · 55 answers · asked by Ali 3

Star is to universe as cell is to what?

bacteria
atom
unit

Anyone know the answer?

2007-02-08 07:33:15 · 6 answers · asked by bookworm1885 2

I'm at work no patients to tkae care of, stuck in this little office for 2 more hours, nothing to do, caught up on all my work...please entertain me. Tell me a story, a joke, ask me a questioin, anything that is interesting to you, pass it on to me. Thanks

2007-02-08 07:30:19 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

LET"S PLAY UNSCRAMBLED WORDS

rules:


1. simple unscramble the scrambled word


2. if you solved it, dont forget to leave another scrambled word for the next person to answer.


i.e.


person 1: Q:eotn


A: NOTE



new srambled word: ouprg ( to be answered by the next person)




Have Fun! THE DIFFICULT THE BETTER

2007-02-08 07:27:43 · 24 answers · asked by enelrahs 2

Where would You like to go? lol...Smile People! :)

2007-02-08 07:19:04 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Any bread ? The barman answers'' No. The Duck asks '' Any bread ? The barman says ''No. The Duck asks '' Any bread ? The barman answers'' I said F**king No. The Duck asks'' Any Bread ? The Barman say's '' Look Duck I said Ive no F**king bread alright so stop F**king asking me because if you F**king ask me again I'll nail your F**king beak to the F**king Bar. The Duck asks '' Any Nails ? The barman answers '' No. The Duck asks'' Any Bread ?
Ha Ha Funny. Heard that today, wat do u think ??

2007-02-08 07:16:52 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

she asked the assistant for 15inch drapes for her pc monitor , when the assistant asked "for your monitor" the blond replied
"HELLOOOOOOOOO IT HAS WINDOWS"

2007-02-08 07:11:46 · 14 answers · asked by smart arse 2

2007-02-08 07:05:21 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok so I want to know some funny jokes that I can tell some 20 year old guy's that rock climb. So just put in any funny joke you know, thankies... or just really funny jokes.

2007-02-08 07:00:53 · 11 answers · asked by Stephanie and lindsay 1

It takes many nails to make a cradle but only one screw to fill it!

2007-02-08 06:56:43 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

2007-02-08 06:51:46 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-08 06:47:39 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife
Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I
only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed
and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we do it once more?''
she said''look im not being funny but be honest you havent got to get up for work have you''

2007-02-08 06:43:47 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is greater then God,
more evil then the Devil,
rich people need it,
poor people have it,
and if you eat it you'll die?

2007-02-08 06:43:10 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two old men, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park

bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even
short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him
what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakers. As he was
looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do
you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves".

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th
loaf, it will be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about
this stuff but me."

2007-02-08 06:41:16 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lion, fox and a chicken were on one side of the river. They all had to get to the other side of the river alive, and they could only make two trips on the boat, with only two animals in it at a time. The chicken and the fox could not travel together as the fox would eat the chicken, and the same goes for the lion and the chicken.
How did they all get to the other side?

(Just in case you were wondering, the chicken was tested negative to bird flu prior to taking part!)

2007-02-08 06:37:12 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A good friend of mine set me up on a blind date with a girl he knows. "She’s very beautiful" he said & he gave me her address and phone number. So I call her and talk to and she sounds very cool; we had lots in common so I decided to go through with the date.

Well I drive up to her house (in a rich neighborhood) & knock on the door and her dad answers. He was very nice man he didn't even mind me taking out his daughter. We were talking outside for a moment till he said "Well I guess I should get Misty for you." and he went back inside. I waited outside for about 5 minutes, till much to my surprise the old man comes out carrying her in his arms because she had no legs! Well he hands her over to me and I seated her in my car and drove off.

Now my friend wasn’t lying, She was very beautiful and had a model-like body...minus the legs. Well we went to get something to eat, and then I picked up a 12 pack and drove to this park.

(contd. below...)

2007-02-08 06:32:25 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
boyfriend along shopping...
This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty
Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and
your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our
surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine
products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
"Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas
stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he
began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,
picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants
were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
"PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed
the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while;
then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
Yours sincerely,
Store Manager

2007-02-08 06:23:33 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

NEVER TRUST AMERICAN DOCTORS! Here's why...

2007-02-08 06:22:20 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous