Would you like 10 points?

Question

Whoever tells a joke I haven't heard before and make me laugh gets the points.

I can't wait!!

Whoops that's meant to say 'makes me laugh' not make, before you all start harassing me for bad English...

Answer 1

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb ?


Two. The hardest job is getting them into the light bulb.

Answer 2

There is this blonde out in a feild, and she is in a canoe, not getting anywhere fast (obviously) and another blonde comes walking up, the one in the canoe says "hey can you help me, I have lost one of my oars and can't make it to land, and I don't know how to swim" the other rolls her eyes, and says "you know what, you really make me mad, it's people like you, who give us blondes a bad name, now why wouldn't you go out there with a life jacket, cause I sure as heck can't swim.ha.

Two people,on a train, are in the same room, trying to go to sleep, they are both happily married, and thinks it may be a little awkward, but they each fall asleep,in the middle of the night, the guy on the top bunk and the woman on the bottom, the guy leans over and says, hey, I'm kinda cold,could you get me an extra blanket the woman looks up at him, and smiles, and says, hey do you want to pretend were married, just for tonight, the man nodded, and got excited then the woman says, then get your own blanket!

Answer 3

it's Friday, a doctor's last patient has just left the surgery and the doctor starts packing up for a well deserved weekend break, but the receptionist rings to say there is one last patient who insists on seeing a doctor. The patiant bursts into the surgery, "doctor, doctor you got to help me, I think I'm a moth"! A moth? a moth says the doctor, you don't need a doctor you need a shrink, why on earth did you come here?

"Your light was on"!

Or.......

Two cats bragging in Dover, one French the other English. "I could swim the channel in 4 hours" says the French cat, "well I could do it in three" says the English cat. On the dockside, the English cat says "1, 2, 3" and jumps in, the French cat says "Un, deux, trois" and also jumps in.

so who won...

The English cat of course, un deux trois cat sank!!

Answer 4

Dave: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.

Mary: Are you wearing it now? Dave: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line.

Mary: Wow! What kind is it?

Dave: Twelve-thirty.


if that one doesn't make you laugh this will I bet

A blonde and a brunette are on opposite sides of a river. The brunette wants to get across.

She yells across to the blonde, "Hey, how do I get to the other side?"

The blonde shakes her head and yells back - "People like you really piss me off. You ARE on the other side!"

Answer 5

After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results.
"Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad news for you."
"The way I feel, please give me the good news first" replied the bachelor.
The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown by at least an additional four inches since your last exam."
"Great!" the man shouted. "But what's the bad news?"
"It's malignant..."



Three guys are sitting around at a bar and they get to talking about the good times and eventually get on the subject of the best day they each ever had.
The first guy says he was on the golf course and it was just magic... He killed the course every drive...beautiful and long. The putts were like the ball had eyes, and he finished nine under par, his greatest day.
The second guy said his was at the bowling alley, just last week. Every ball was picture perfect solid in the pocket, and just blasted the pins. A 300 game...his greatest ever day.
The third guy says he once found a woman tied to the railroad tracks. He unties her and carries her off into the woods. In the woods, he rips off his clothes and hers and has sex for over an hour, after that he rolled her over and went to it from the rear for another hour. Satisfied, he lays back in the woods and has a cigarette, the perfect finish to the perfect day.
The first two agree that the third guy's day was the best of the best, but they say to the third guy,
"With all that sex out in the woods for all that time, how come no bl0w job?"
"Ahhh, I never did find her head."

Answer 6

There were these three guys who were all in this competition on this island. The host told them, "Go find 10 of a type of fruit." So the three guys went off in different directions to find their fruits.

The first guy came back with 10 strawberries. And the host told him, "If you can stick all 10 strawberries up your butt, you'll win." So the guy started doing what he was told. When he got to the 5th strawberry though, he said "Oh crap." and fell over.

The second guy came back with 10 blueberries. And the host told him the same thing, "If you can stick all 10 blueberries up your butt, you'll win." So the guy started doing what he was told. When he got to the 9th blueberry though, he gave a groan and fell over.

And finally, the thrid guy came back with pineapples asking, "What happen to those guys?!"

Answer 7

ok heres the joke:its a blond joke,too!!!
o.k. three blondes walked into a bar...........the fourth one ducked!!!!!


p.s. hahahahahahahahahahahhahahhahahahaahaahahah
p.s.s.try that on for size!!!


here's another one!
A confused 9 year old boy goes up 2 his mother and asks,"is God male or female?"after thinking for a moment, his mother responds,"Well God is both male and female."

This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or
white?" "Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or
straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers
nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he
triumphantly asks, "Is God Michael Jackson?"

hahahahaha
was that one funnier?

Answer 8

heres a joke
Steve Mclaren and the England national team

Answer 9

I love this one.

I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!"

Pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?

Tink x

Answer 10

Blonde jokes:

A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box.

She keeps doing this until her neighbour asks her why she is doing that.

The blonde replies "My computer keeps telling me that i've got mail".

~~~~~

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

~~~~

Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

~~~~

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

~~~~

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"


~~~~

Did you hear about the blonde who took a book out of the library called How to Hug, only to discover that it was volume seven of the encyclopedia?



~~~~

blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up.

The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt.

"Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?"

~~~

Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves.

They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one.

The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands.

They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, �Okay, we'll give him one more try.

We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!�

These are long, but you also can read one joke per day!! I assure you, it will make your day!!

Answer 11

What did the three legged dog say when he entered the saloon?




Im looking for the man that shot my paw.