give me a joke to laugh at- i will choose the best one?

Answer 1

"Hello," he lied.

shortest pessimistic poem:
Hope?
Nope.

Answer 2

okay, so there are two... i thot they were cute.



> Dear Abby,
>
> My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
> beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
> everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since
> he lost his job seven years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
> All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull
> with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our
> daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and
> hints that I may be a lesbian.*
>
> What should I do?
> Signed, Clueless
>
> Dear Clueless:
> Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore.
> You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one!!!!



Bill Gates vs. GM

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would
all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars
with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in te road, you would have to buy a
new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off
the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For
some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning
light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
touched the tire and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how
to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the
same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.





Have a good day!!!!!

Answer 3

A drunk man smelling of booze sat down on a subway next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being
with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized... "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Answer 4

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their
backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do,
he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr.
Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a
normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench,
and in a very quiet voice, said:

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Answer 5

OK. there are 5 men on top of a mountain.

one is Mexican
the other Canadian
the next is European
the forth is African
and the last is American.

the Mexican then says i do this for my people and he throws himself of the mountain and dies.

then the Canadian say I'll do this for my people and he jumps off the mountain and kills himself.

then the European says ill do this for my people and he jumps off the mountain and kills himself.

finally the African says i love my people very much and I'm willing to to this for my people so he takes a deep breath and pushes the American off the mountain.

Answer 6

There was once 3 hikers that climbed to a great tall mountain peak and then got themselves stuck up there,
They tried to figure out how to get back down, when a bird flew up to them and said, How did you get your selves up on this magic mountain?
They where amazed that this bird was talking to them,
and said how is this a magic mountain?
The bird said i was like you and made a wish to become a bird so i could get down, now im a bird.

So the first guy started to run and said i wish to be a bird, and he turned into a bird and flew away.
the next guy ran and said i wish to be a butterfly, and turned into a butterfly and flew away.

The last guy ran and said i wish, tripping on a rock, said- O Sh*t and turned into a Sh*t.

Answer 7

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia , former ly known as California . White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens north western United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.


Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Now, send this to whoever you want to and as many as you want and guess what....
NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile.

Answer 8

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and it's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are English, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and it's all organized by the Italians.

Answer 9

A FATHER PASSING BY HIS SON'S BEDROOM WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE THE
BED
WAS NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP.

THEN HE SAW AN ENVELOPE PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THE
BED.
IT WAS ADDRESSED, "DAD."

WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, HE OPENED THE ENVELOPE AND READ THE
LETTER
WITH TREMBLING HANDS:


DEAR DAD,


IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS.

I HAD TO ELOPE WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A
SCENE WITH MOM AND YOU.

I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS SO NICE, EVEN

WITH ALL HER PIERCING, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE
CLOTHES.

BUT IT'S NOT ONLY THE PASSION, DAD - SHE'S PREGNANT AND BARBARA
ASSURES
ME THAT WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY.

EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T CARE FOR HER SINCE SHE IS SO MUCH OLDER THAN I

AM,
SHE ALREADY OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD
ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE WINTER.

SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND THAT'S NOW ONE OF

MY
DREAMS TOO.

BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE AND
WE'LL
BE GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR ALL THE

COCAINE AND ECSTASY WE NEED.

IN THE MEANTIME, WE PRAY THAT SCIENCE WILL FIND A CURE FOR AIDS SO
THAT
BARBARA CAN GET BETTER; SHE SURE DESERVES IT!

DON'T WORRY, DAD, I'M 15 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE

OF
MYSELF.

SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK TO VISIT SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW
YOUR
GRANDCHILDREN.


YOUR SON, JOHN

P.S. DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT BILLY'S
HOUSE.

I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN

MY REPORT CARD, WHICH IS IN MY DESK CENTER DRAWER.


I LOVE YOU!


PS: CALL ME WHEN IT'S SAFE TO COME HOME.

Answer 10

Why was Jesus such a ladies man?




Answer: He was hung like this
(Put arms out so they can either be interpreted that you are alluding to him be hanged on a crucifix or as he had a penis as long as the distance between your arms)

Uh.. yeah, that joke's a lot better in person.

Answer 11

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change: $20.00

Coffee: $1.00

Total: $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive
home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw
kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Dr ink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember d rain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily
rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightening
drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between
knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00

DUI: $2500.00

Impound fee: $75.00

Bail: $1500.00

Beer: $20.00

Total: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!